debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Monday, May 29, 2006
A BETTER UNDERSTANDING
well mainly i guess i am beginning to understand more and more what he has been telling me. i have been processing all these things for some time now and i think i am getting it. i think i am finally understanding what he is saying. relationships are a big deal. they can be messy. people want things. people have expectations. and in order to be in a relationship you need to be able to work through the expectations. you need to be able to work through what you are doing and going through. sharing the lives and not ONE person should be able to dominate things. i guess the thing that i have been hung up on for so long is the definition of sex. i had been with the understanding for so long that sex is something that you do in a commited relationship. if not in a relationship....playing around is cool. but once in a relationship, you only hav sex with the person you are with. now that is not everyones way. other people do it differently. what i had been hung up on so long is that LOVE=SEX. and it doesn't. sex is sex. it is getting off. it is having fun and doing things with someone else. now it can also be that you have sex with the one you love...but not necessarily. i guess what i have come to understand is that communication is key. and whatever you decide on, if you love each other, then you can do things. there has be to understanding and talking and communication. but i think that things are open to what the relationship wants. Thursday, May 25, 2006
EACH COMING NIGHT
i'm lookin out at the highway. cars go by and everyone has there life. people are going to work. coming home. looking for lovers. going to buy groceries. doing the things that they need to do to keep themselves going. i was just staring at them listening to 'jesus the mexican boy' and thinking about it all. they all have their lives. they are all going to and fro. living and doing what they need to. do they like what they are doing? are they enjoying there lives? a month ago i was at my intership and i was discussing things with my instructor. he stumped my when he asked me about a term i knew, but could not come up with a definition of. dysthymia is a condition in which the person esentially becomes depressed but is able to continue on with their life. they may feel as if there is no point to things and that they are just going through the motions. when i flipped through the DSM IV i came across the definition and it got me for a minute. i think i am dysthymic. its true that i am a common hypochondriac. i once stubbed my toe and somehow became convinced that i was having foot cancer. so its not uncommon for me to think i am sick. but in all seriousness i honestly believe i might be living with dysthymia. i don't know if i have had it long enough to be diagnosed with it. but there is a serious notion and thought that should be looked at. now i am not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. learned those lessons years ago. that will solve nothing. (well it would solve one thing...but not anything willing to do) so i live with the feelings. i sought out a therapist a while back to see if there would be some catharsis but there was nothing. it was mostly the same old rehash every visit. i was not sure what i could change in my own life and therefore i could not competently participate in therpay. i eventually left it. i did enjoy having someone to talk to, but for what i paid, i'll find something else. i guess in the end. nothing solved and nothing gained. i still watch as those cars go by on the highway. they are all going somewhere. |
