there are times when it is important to know exactly who you are working with. to know exactly who the people you will be working against and competing with to get a job. i saw something very disturbing in class tonight. we watched a video. but it was no mere normal video. it was a bad video. it was horrible. one goal we had was to look at the video and find some skills in it. i sat for the session, which was a fifteen minute hour (funny industry term for a usualy hour therapy session that last 1/4 of the time). as the man who made it defended that it was only 15 minutes long (in a rather snotty way) i sat there thinking about about what i saw.

now i am not one to be a snot. i am not one to be completely self absorbed and self centered. but after watching the video he mad....i am suddenly feeling very secure in my future search for a job!!!

unless at some point in time they get rid of interviews and instead make us fight it out in thunderdome. even then....i'll still prob win.

in some lame attempt to figure out exactly what i want to get from my life, i have decided that each night that i am at home before i go to bed i need to write. i need to get back into the position that i was in when i used to write all the time. to much time has passed since i have written about the feelings inside of me, and due to this i think that there are some situations that have become completely muddled and wound up in a complete state of disaray. now before i got off soundling like my life is akin to a nuculear bomb blast. i would like to note that my inane ramblings are in a sense a way for me to gather up my thoughts into complete ideas and formulations. sounds confusing right? well it is!

in essence, it helps me to be able to go back and look at things and see what i was thinking about a situation at a given day.

what i do with what i learn is completely unhelpful and i usually end up second guessing myself. but it is somehting that has worked for me for a long time and i wil continue to do it till it leads me astray.

either way i am going to start writting again, any chance i get. and hopefully this information will lead me to make a decision about my future. i hope that is does work out this way

so i've spend some time tonight thinking about things. i have really taken a look at where i am at and have been thinking about some things with a relationship i am in. i think i started out the last post like this too.

well mainly i guess i am beginning to understand more and more what he has been telling me. i have been processing all these things for some time now and i think i am getting it. i think i am finally understanding what he is saying. relationships are a big deal. they can be messy. people want things. people have expectations. and in order to be in a relationship you need to be able to work through the expectations. you need to be able to work through what you are doing and going through. sharing the lives and not ONE person should be able to dominate things.

i guess the thing that i have been hung up on for so long is the definition of sex. i had been with the understanding for so long that sex is something that you do in a commited relationship. if not in a relationship....playing around is cool. but once in a relationship, you only hav sex with the person you are with. now that is not everyones way. other people do it differently.

what i had been hung up on so long is that LOVE=SEX. and it doesn't. sex is sex. it is getting off. it is having fun and doing things with someone else. now it can also be that you have sex with the one you love...but not necessarily.

i guess what i have come to understand is that communication is key. and whatever you decide on, if you love each other, then you can do things. there has be to understanding and talking and communication. but i think that things are open to what the relationship wants.

i've been sitting out on my deck now for a good hour. having a beer and listening to iron and wine and thinking about things. pretty much it a loop of life and whats going on right now for me.

i'm lookin out at the highway. cars go by and everyone has there life. people are going to work. coming home. looking for lovers. going to buy groceries. doing the things that they need to do to keep themselves going. i was just staring at them listening to 'jesus the mexican boy' and thinking about it all. they all have their lives. they are all going to and fro. living and doing what they need to. do they like what they are doing? are they enjoying there lives?

a month ago i was at my intership and i was discussing things with my instructor. he stumped my when he asked me about a term i knew, but could not come up with a definition of. dysthymia is a condition in which the person esentially becomes depressed but is able to continue on with their life. they may feel as if there is no point to things and that they are just going through the motions. when i flipped through the DSM IV i came across the definition and it got me for a minute. i think i am dysthymic.

its true that i am a common hypochondriac. i once stubbed my toe and somehow became convinced that i was having foot cancer. so its not uncommon for me to think i am sick. but in all seriousness i honestly believe i might be living with dysthymia. i don't know if i have had it long enough to be diagnosed with it. but there is a serious notion and thought that should be looked at.

now i am not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. learned those lessons years ago. that will solve nothing. (well it would solve one thing...but not anything willing to do) so i live with the feelings. i sought out a therapist a while back to see if there would be some catharsis but there was nothing. it was mostly the same old rehash every visit. i was not sure what i could change in my own life and therefore i could not competently participate in therpay. i eventually left it. i did enjoy having someone to talk to, but for what i paid, i'll find something else.

i guess in the end. nothing solved and nothing gained. i still watch as those cars go by on the highway. they are all going somewhere.

its funny. i don't know if there will ever be such a thing.

its an oddity in this day and age for a band to come up with something to truely unique. its something that doesn't happen very often. but when it does it can be something that will define and set standards for years to come. which is why it is important that today is the release of the first in the series of videos for the album PLANS

death cab for cutie have done the impossible. they have taken each and every song from the album PLANS and given each song a video. each done by a different director, the videos (which will be released in instalments) reflect each directors imagination and vision.

for fans such as myself, this offers an amazing new way to see the songs we fell in love with. after watching the first video for the song 'marching bands of manhattan' i was exstatic. it was so great to see something, some sort of visual for a song that i love. it was like finding a new toy all the way in the bottom of a box you look in everyday. getting to see something in a whole new light! and....it was amazing!!!

so please stop reading this now and go see them for yourself and see a new wonderful part of an old friend

descriptions of my apartment come from the song Like Eating Glass by the wonderful english band Bloc Party to which i have been listening to a lot lately. the song above has been giving me fits and its such a wonderful downer. with a fast beat and jagged guitars it fits perfectly to the lover. another song of theirs which i have become completely addicted to is the new single Two More Years. the lyrics are amazing and completely speak to me....

so back to the title of the entry today. its more then just a few lines in a song. today...this is how i feel. i am lonely. completely lonely. i've been sitting around in my apartment most of the day doing homework and the feelings of loneliness have started to get to me. to be here alone. no one even walking around to chat with. no one sitting around the living room to talk with or just to have company.

i guess more so...i am missing that someone. i am missing that special person i can sit around with. someone to sit on the couch with me while i do some homework. feel them playing around with my feet under the blankets. trying to get me to arange myself so they can lay on my stomach. just feeling someone close. that closeness is what i miss. i miss having that someone around with me. i want to have that someone with me. i wan to have that person who is with me and wants to be around me. right with me. feeling me. doing stupid little things with me. i guess i just want that someone. that person.

in the end tonight, this is what i am feeling... its so cold in this house. its so cold in this bed. like drinking poison. like eating glass.

so what do you do when you get told that you are a liar. when you get told that everything you are saying is a lie, that you are contining to lie to someone that you love and that because of this, we can no longer talk. - - when you get told that this person says that they know everything that you are hypothetically doing and that you are a liar because you won't come clean. and then you sit and want to hurt yourself because you know that you haven't done anything....and this scenario will never change.

i guess its been like 5 hours since there was a good bye. and while i don't know if it was an actual good bye, the feelings and thoughts connected with it still sting. and while its hard to think of anything else but this, i have managed to drag myself out of the house to the gym for about two hours....worked on my arms and chest a bit there.....went to hyvee and bought some couscous for my supper tonight. comfort food...stuffed pork chops and ginger couscous.

all thoughts are of the situation. my mind is racing out of control. i feel sick. i think i am going to go lay down now.

so come to find out that i have received a new offer for a job. i tried out a job in sioux city, working as an in home social worker. while the interview was about two weeks ago, back before christmas, i did find out a little bit about the results a week ago. i was told that the job was as good as mine, but that they were just waiting for my background checks to come back.

feelings on this change are a few. after i got the offer, i started to feel a little bit of grief over leaving my current job. i gues its par for working with the kids i do. i felt that my leaving was partly letting them down. and while i know that its better for me in the long run, and that this decision has nothing to do with them. i did still feel some guilt. as of late, that has disappeared.

right now i have immense feeling of relief. relief that i am leaving the b and g mainly. i think that after being at this job for more then 2 and a half years i have finally realized how crapy it is. this job isn't glorious. it isn't even nice. what should be helpful in this type of job is the agency. an well, the agency doesn't care. after taking two years of abuse from the agency: no raises, new work demands, no raises again, continual changing of job description, a fear based work environment, caring less and less about the employees. it was finally just time to move on.

so my new job is as a social worker. i will be doing in home work with different families and individuals that are refered from DHS. in essence, i will be working DHS cases and reporting findings to them. it will be a different change, but a much welcome one. i am very excited about it and can't wait for it to start. hopefully i will get a call to start here this week.

its been a long time. i've been completely ignoring this site. and it sucks cause so much has happened as of late. i have so much to write and talk about and i've not any time to do it. my last semester was completely insanely busy. i was working full time and going to school full time. about 70 hours a week. and needless to say....it was kicking my ass. i was not enjoying it. i missed out on a lot of things. missed my friends, missed my family and just a lot of other things.

so its a new semester. it will be happening soon and i will be back to the grind stone. but i have decided that this semester i will be a little more available. i will be out more and be with my freinds more. i need to be with them more. they are keeping me sane.

new things are happening all the time and things are changing all the time. lots more to talk about....

--s