debate exposes doubt |
|
|
what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
|
Sunday, September 25, 2005
AN IMPASS so i guess i know what needs to be done now. during a talk i had this morning with the man we got down to the nitty gritty on a few things. he told me what he is worried about. why we can't be togeather because of certian reasons. - - - - and i understand these reasons. they are all valid reasons and they all make perfect sense. what sucks is that i have done this to myself. to think that we could be together right now and not have had any problems if i could behave is staggering to myself. it makes me think. god i really am a disaster sometimes. who much crap did i bring with me all the time we go out. i was really out of control all the time. no wonder he doesn't want to go ot with me. -- i guess this is stupid of me too. i am smarter then this. i am smarter then to get all freaked out by what could happen if we go out. i am smarter then to make an ass out of myself. i guess i don't know why i do that. well i do have one main reason why i do that... alcohol. yeah. when i get drunk...i get nuts. always have been always will be. so i guess there is a easy solution to fixing that problem. not get drunk. now there is a difference between drinking and getting drunk. i am going to stop getting drunk. like way out plastered, not knowing my name kinda drunk. its ok to get a little buzzed, i'm fine with that. its only when i get ripped that i get nuts. and i have already been doing that. since that night in july, i hvae realized that alcohol+me=crazy - thats a no brainer - everone knows this now. i am so sure that everyone knows this. so what am i to do about all of this. fix my problems. lying and drinking excessively to the point of crazy - be more consistent and work to repair the damage i've caused. is that possible? yes i believe it is. but it's gonna take determination and work. being honest with myself and him. but he deserves it. and i will work and try my hardest to give it to him. Tuesday, September 13, 2005
YOUR LOVE IS GONNA DROWN
- feelings are only things that get in the way of us seeing our true humanistic potential - without them we could be a race of super beings able to do whatever we want - everythign would be done MOST EFFICENT and to the proper applications - we would't be worrying about 'oh does he like me' 'i feel so sad today' 'i can't believe its over' and tall that other inane bullshit that makes us different the chimps - or maybe that's the perfect life? eat, sleep, poop, fuck - the only thing that can get in the way of that is death - is the animal kingdom right? - well since i am from the darwinistic appraoch and believe in the idea of evolution (yes we did evolve from paramecium in sespools) at one point in time we WERE animals - do animals have feelings? - well some people would say yes, and some people would say no. - but yea i do think that animals do have feelings - sad, happy, angry - but to the extent that humans have? probably not and they are probably better off that way - i can't imagine a dog ever sitting around thinking, 'god i hope that man of mine isn't out sleeping around' or 'i'm such a wreck without him i am going to die' - animals just dont' have the capabilities to do such thining - and are they better off for taht reason? - you're damn right they are. - not havig to worry about your lover - not waiting up tihnking about them - sitting around watching them out with other people - they have it so easy - they jsut need food and so water - curse! - animals only have sex for the purpose of procreation - just like the bible says i think - i'm not sure, but i remember that some religions only say that you should have sex to procreate, everythign else is a sin - well animals just have sex to procreate - they don't get all messed up in feelings and thinking - sex is ot make more babies and that is it - no other reason - yet we as humans use to for fun - here we go and take one of the most powerful actions we can do with another person and make it into something fun and enjoyable - curse! - the reason it is enjoyable is so we will WANT to procreate - not so that we will go around the bar at 1 a.m. looking for the next peice of ass because we don't want to go home and jerk off alone - or sit around for hours on the internet and look for some hot other to bring over to the apt to get off - its changed - procreation is the reason we are to have sex, no other reason - here i was all messed up for the longest time - thinking that i wanted to have sex cause it was fun and enjoyable, but all the while i was confused cause sex is just for procreation - unless i intend to make a baby when i have sex i should not be having sex! - right? yeah that will happen it just goes to show that sex is really not needed unless you want to be plagued by feelings of desperation and sorrow when the sex is no longer there -
|
