really they are. in some discussion i had with my mother over my vacation she was pointing out and telling me about the hospital where my great grandfather stayed briefly when he had his nervous break down. apparently bad enough that he needed to be hospitalized for about a month, and that was in the 1920's.
which then lead into a discussion on who all in my family has had breakdowns. apparently there are enough to have a discussion about. my great grandfather on my mothers side, my grandmother, great uncle and aunt and uncle on my fathers side. all had break downs bad enough to warrent hospitalization. who will it be next.
i guess this just started me thinking about how i have been feeling the last month. anxiety, depressed, worthlessness. a nice mix of emotions at any point in time. enough so i am thinking about asking my therapist if i should get on effexor.
but ultimatly i know i can pull out of this. just like usual. i will be fine in two to four weeks. it will run its course and everything will be better. everything will be better.
really they are. in some discussion i had with my mother over my vacation she was pointing out and telling me about the hospital where my great grandfather stayed briefly when he had his nervous break down. apparently bad enough that he needed to be hospitalized for about a month, and that was in the 1920's.
which then lead into a discussion on who all in my family has had breakdowns. apparently there are enough to have a discussion about. my great grandfather on my mothers side, my grandmother, great uncle and aunt and uncle on my fathers side. all had break downs bad enough to warrent hospitalization. who will it be next.
i guess this just started me thinking about how i have been feeling the last month. anxiety, depressed, worthlessness. a nice mix of emotions at any point in time. enough so i am thinking about asking my therapist if i should get on effexor.
but ultimatly i know i can pull out of this. just like usual. i will be fine in two to four weeks. it will run its course and everything will be better. everything will be better.
so i've decided that i am going to become celebit. i was thinking about it today while my co-worker was going on and on about their messed up relationship. about how they wrote a letter to their boyfriend (its a straight relationship) saying that they are not going well and right. problems with talking and no affection and it was just crap. love sucks. and so do the means by which people use love. you only get hurt in the end......so whats the point really?
i have decided to give up sex. completely. for some amount of time i have yet to decided. i don't need it. i need to focus on my school work and other things. it's only a disctaction. and besides....you cant really have sex if the person you want to have it with refuses to see you. (yeah thats kinda a necessary)
so maybe its for the best if i just stop all togeather. focus on myself. thats whats important. getting back to positive, making myself feel better and just working. keeping myself occupied and just doing what i need to do. in the meantime, everything will just turn out fine. things will get better eventually. just from where i am at now, it doesn't look like it.
listening to a lot of belle and sebastians "push bar man to open old wounds" now
well for the most part it has been one hell of a summer. and there is still about a month left to go. while there were some good things and some bad things, i guess i was overwhelmed by the few things that really came out at me from which i didn't think they would. i have been sitting around in my apartment for the past three weeks. give or take the time i go to work or spend at my parents. i took a weekend to ames and had some fun with jennifer and her boyfriend josh. the more i get to know him the more i like him - which is great. it pleases me to know that jennifer is taken care of. so many times i was there, i drove her to the hospital, i drove her back home, i stayed with her in the er, the icu, the waiting rooms. all the places, and i worried when i left. but she is with good people now. he will take care of her. he has it in his eyes. along those same lines, mine is gone. while i speak of the one jennifer has found, i have lost the one i had. or partially had, or maybe even never had at all. all from a night i don't remember. which is what makes me hate myself the most. you know if you do something to make someone mad, you can always look back at it and say, "well this is where i fucked up" - i am not awarded that luxury. i don't know what i did to entice his wraith. but it has since come at me full force. we have been like this before? it was asked to me by some friends......yes i said. we have been here before. we have passed through it before. but no more analyzing. no more thinking i know what he wants. its time for him to put his big boy deciding hat on and make up a decision for the rest of his life. and it is equally sad for that reason alone, he won't make up his mind. i wait - school will start again, and dead leaves will fall into my favorite season of the year. its the most beautiful and trainquil of all the season. cool breezes, brushling of the leaves, the smell of harvest. fall is the time of the year. and school comes around the bend, a deadaway sprint to winter i am sure....with its overkill of living life. and then the decisions of schools and universities. a decision indeed.
