debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Sunday, September 25, 2005
AN IMPASS so i guess i know what needs to be done now. during a talk i had this morning with the man we got down to the nitty gritty on a few things. he told me what he is worried about. why we can't be togeather because of certian reasons. - - - - and i understand these reasons. they are all valid reasons and they all make perfect sense. what sucks is that i have done this to myself. to think that we could be together right now and not have had any problems if i could behave is staggering to myself. it makes me think. god i really am a disaster sometimes. who much crap did i bring with me all the time we go out. i was really out of control all the time. no wonder he doesn't want to go ot with me. -- i guess this is stupid of me too. i am smarter then this. i am smarter then to get all freaked out by what could happen if we go out. i am smarter then to make an ass out of myself. i guess i don't know why i do that. well i do have one main reason why i do that... alcohol. yeah. when i get drunk...i get nuts. always have been always will be. so i guess there is a easy solution to fixing that problem. not get drunk. now there is a difference between drinking and getting drunk. i am going to stop getting drunk. like way out plastered, not knowing my name kinda drunk. its ok to get a little buzzed, i'm fine with that. its only when i get ripped that i get nuts. and i have already been doing that. since that night in july, i hvae realized that alcohol+me=crazy - thats a no brainer - everone knows this now. i am so sure that everyone knows this. so what am i to do about all of this. fix my problems. lying and drinking excessively to the point of crazy - be more consistent and work to repair the damage i've caused. is that possible? yes i believe it is. but it's gonna take determination and work. being honest with myself and him. but he deserves it. and i will work and try my hardest to give it to him. Tuesday, September 13, 2005
YOUR LOVE IS GONNA DROWN
- feelings are only things that get in the way of us seeing our true humanistic potential - without them we could be a race of super beings able to do whatever we want - everythign would be done MOST EFFICENT and to the proper applications - we would't be worrying about 'oh does he like me' 'i feel so sad today' 'i can't believe its over' and tall that other inane bullshit that makes us different the chimps - or maybe that's the perfect life? eat, sleep, poop, fuck - the only thing that can get in the way of that is death - is the animal kingdom right? - well since i am from the darwinistic appraoch and believe in the idea of evolution (yes we did evolve from paramecium in sespools) at one point in time we WERE animals - do animals have feelings? - well some people would say yes, and some people would say no. - but yea i do think that animals do have feelings - sad, happy, angry - but to the extent that humans have? probably not and they are probably better off that way - i can't imagine a dog ever sitting around thinking, 'god i hope that man of mine isn't out sleeping around' or 'i'm such a wreck without him i am going to die' - animals just dont' have the capabilities to do such thining - and are they better off for taht reason? - you're damn right they are. - not havig to worry about your lover - not waiting up tihnking about them - sitting around watching them out with other people - they have it so easy - they jsut need food and so water - curse! - animals only have sex for the purpose of procreation - just like the bible says i think - i'm not sure, but i remember that some religions only say that you should have sex to procreate, everythign else is a sin - well animals just have sex to procreate - they don't get all messed up in feelings and thinking - sex is ot make more babies and that is it - no other reason - yet we as humans use to for fun - here we go and take one of the most powerful actions we can do with another person and make it into something fun and enjoyable - curse! - the reason it is enjoyable is so we will WANT to procreate - not so that we will go around the bar at 1 a.m. looking for the next peice of ass because we don't want to go home and jerk off alone - or sit around for hours on the internet and look for some hot other to bring over to the apt to get off - its changed - procreation is the reason we are to have sex, no other reason - here i was all messed up for the longest time - thinking that i wanted to have sex cause it was fun and enjoyable, but all the while i was confused cause sex is just for procreation - unless i intend to make a baby when i have sex i should not be having sex! - right? yeah that will happen it just goes to show that sex is really not needed unless you want to be plagued by feelings of desperation and sorrow when the sex is no longer there -
Monday, August 22, 2005
NEW LOWS
really they are. in some discussion i had with my mother over my vacation she was pointing out and telling me about the hospital where my great grandfather stayed briefly when he had his nervous break down. apparently bad enough that he needed to be hospitalized for about a month, and that was in the 1920's. which then lead into a discussion on who all in my family has had breakdowns. apparently there are enough to have a discussion about. my great grandfather on my mothers side, my grandmother, great uncle and aunt and uncle on my fathers side. all had break downs bad enough to warrent hospitalization. who will it be next. i guess this just started me thinking about how i have been feeling the last month. anxiety, depressed, worthlessness. a nice mix of emotions at any point in time. enough so i am thinking about asking my therapist if i should get on effexor. but ultimatly i know i can pull out of this. just like usual. i will be fine in two to four weeks. it will run its course and everything will be better. everything will be better. eventually. everythings gonna be ok. NEW LOWS
really they are. in some discussion i had with my mother over my vacation she was pointing out and telling me about the hospital where my great grandfather stayed briefly when he had his nervous break down. apparently bad enough that he needed to be hospitalized for about a month, and that was in the 1920's. which then lead into a discussion on who all in my family has had breakdowns. apparently there are enough to have a discussion about. my great grandfather on my mothers side, my grandmother, great uncle and aunt and uncle on my fathers side. all had break downs bad enough to warrent hospitalization. who will it be next. i guess this just started me thinking about how i have been feeling the last month. anxiety, depressed, worthlessness. a nice mix of emotions at any point in time. enough so i am thinking about asking my therapist if i should get on effexor. but ultimatly i know i can pull out of this. just like usual. i will be fine in two to four weeks. it will run its course and everything will be better. everything will be better. eventually. everythings gonna be ok. Thursday, August 11, 2005
THE CONTINUAL SELF DEPRAVATION FROM SEX
so maybe its for the best if i just stop all togeather. focus on myself. thats whats important. getting back to positive, making myself feel better and just working. keeping myself occupied and just doing what i need to do. in the meantime, everything will just turn out fine. things will get better eventually. just from where i am at now, it doesn't look like it.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
HOW TO PLAN YOUR BROKEN HEART Sunday, March 27, 2005
WHY IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO FIND LOVE....WHY CAN'T I JUST FIND LOVE...WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HARD listening to lots of iron and wine singing such great heights Wednesday, March 09, 2005
REALITY IS FOR CHUMPS
the music compliments the clean cut visuals - the sweeping bass and drum with the keyboard chord progression stress while the airy carefree sounding vocals make it seem as if the singer just happens to be walking along whispering the words as she peers through the splended finds at target - i want to live in a Target add - i want to be in that white washed world with visuals and audio galore - mmmmm...... - Tuesday, March 08, 2005
A NEW WORLD - A NEW BEGINNING
i believe its come a time to change for something i want time to try to make myself happy again - the possibilities are their any? Monday, February 21, 2005
SLEEP EASIER
i turned my tv back on around 11:30 and watched some venture brothers on cartoon network - i was still restless and decided to play some gameboy - i played some final fantasy tactics and tried to get some things off my mind - i felt tired and my eyes were getting heavy so i shut it off and laid back down - i tried to sleep - i tried to lay still - get comfortable - but i couldn't seem to find what i needed to sleep well - don't know if i will know - too many things are going on with my life now for me to sleep well - Sunday, February 20, 2005
WHAT DO I NEED?
Thursday, January 06, 2005
CUT ME UP
i don't really remember gettin into my apt or walkin the stairs or anything - but i guess my parents got me home and into my bed - i slept the rest of the day in some drugged induced coma - now its late in the morning - i'm a little more with it now - but still messed up - we'll see what the rest of the week as to bring - Monday, January 03, 2005
THE LAST STANCE
we went to see the muskies play - which the lost - i've decided that since every game i go to they lose i need to stop going to games - we drove around after that and went to a few different bars to have some drinks - we picked up a friend from work at 11 and then we met him later at a bar in town - we all got drunk and had fun - i got no kiss for new years - so last year was a fluke then for new years kisses - well actually i had someone to kiss but he wasn't interested in kissing me back - well the night after i went out again with another friend - we started drinking at home before we went out due to the ice storm that hit - we finally got out to the bars at 12:30 and made the most of it by closing it down and going to after hours to finish the evening off - we got home at 5:30 and had a great time - unfortunatly we missed brunch that morning at 11 - oh well i guess -
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