debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Monday, December 20, 2004
WEDDING BLUES AND THE WEEKEND DRINK-A-THON
not that i was angry at something - mainly myself if anything - just hating being alone - not having someone to go home to - or be with - - just sucks folks - plain and simple - and if i wasn't such a dumb ass i probably still would have a man - ok but screw me complaining and lets here about the couple ..... - the groom was my friend tyson - we've known each other since i can ever remember - i've spent more time with him then war prisoners are in veitnam prison camps - and that was just how it always was - we were joined at the hip - every summer at my farm we would play war or guns or g.i.joe or something - but i always enjoyed it so very much - but we went to seperate colleges (rivals even!!! GO ISU - IOWA SUCKS ASS) - so we didn't see each other that often after a while - but we are still close - and always will be - he is a great kid - love him to death - now the bride - well lets say tyson can be a bit much to handle sometimes - but she does it so well - she is angie - and she kicks ass!!! - hard core style folks - sweet but knock em dead kinda feelings - she and tyson met in ROTC and now he is stationed in colorado and she is still in school - but they will be togeather soon - anyway they are both great and i love them to death -
Sunday, December 05, 2004
"IT IS ONLY WITH THE HEART THAT ONE CAN SEE RIGHTLY; WHAT IS ESSENTIAL IS INVISIBLE TO THE EYE." - The Little Prince by antoine de saint-exupery
well the homework is easy - just summaries from book chapters and the stupid essays - its all comming along fancifully - so i don't have to worry so much about the work - its just the getting it done part - but..... as for everything else in my life - i am lost - i am having problems with my ex now - and..... well how about been having problems with my ex - and its driving me crazy - we have these little times when we are good - and then times when we are bad - and you know - - - its mostly all my fault for the whole thing - well it was my fault we origionally broke up - i was the guy who said that i felt "unloved" - and why wouldn't that hurt him - plus when i first got back into town we weren't speaking i started dating another boy from vermillion - that lasted a whole two weeks but still i did it - and then damning of it all there was a two week span when he was telling me to go out and find another man - go find something else - so i did - i went out and slept with a guy in town that was a friend of his - to which he was furious about - all these times he has had valid reasons to cut me lose - but i have been forcing myself back in everytime - and lately - well we both had this little run in where we were both online trying to catch each other doing something - well i got mad and he got madder (i know that isn't a word) - but everytime i keep trying to force myself back into his life - and why am i doing this - because i am in love with him - but........ have i ever thought about what he wants and needs - well for the longest time i thought that he wanted me - i know he cares about me and i think he loves me - but am i good for him? - am i really good for him - does he really want to be with me? should he be with me? i have been thinking about this so much the last couple of days and i don't have an answer for this - i don't know what to say or do about this - * .....all i know is that right now i am not so happy about everything cause i think i am starting to realize what is going to happen now - what is going to happen in the future - and i am scared to death of it -
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