what we place most hopes upon, generally proves most fatal.

- the vicar of wakefield


am feeling...


reach me:
aim name: sevis drol
mail box


do you know me at all?

cast of characters

the lucky ones
a broken heart
a girl who wears glasses
the eccentricities of a night-hawk
drawing a life
are the stars out tonight?
life, love, and the pursuit of everything!!!
flat at the top of the stairs
movable ree
la raviosa
goody
true love and high adventure


photobooth
living quarters
knife fight
black hearts party
sarah baker's wedding
get the hell out party


time to waste
belle and sebastian
HAPPY TREE FRIENDS!
sinister organization
camera obscura
crime watch
learning therapy
go clones!
the hated
home away from home
your pets are alive


currently listening too...
arcade fire- funeral
the album leaf - in a safe place
the decemberists - picaresque
sleater kinney - the woods
bright eyes - i'm wide awake, it's morning
death from above 1979 - you're a woman, i'm a machine
bloc party- silent alarm
belle and sebastian - push bar man to open old wounds
iron and wine - our endless numbered days

 
TAKING A SICK DAY

well i had a whole post all typed out - it was long and wonderful and had many full jokes and events that happened throughout my day - but then my comp crashed and it was gone - so i yelled and screamed and my head began to hurt again and coughed and it was worse then it has been for a while - well i woke up sick today - very sick - sick to the point where i was coughing so hard i was throwing up all morning - which prompted me to get my ass to the doctor - so of course the only thing open is the ER - so i went and dwelled with a rather interseting subset of persons from sioux city - everything from immigrant families who didn't speak any english and their son needed a emergency surgery for something - to a white trash mother who left her child at home while she went to the store and came home to find the child sucking on a moth ball - (to which i almost called child services for leaving her 2 year old at home) - that pissed me off so much -

so from 1:30 to 4 i was sitting in the ER - i actually only talked to a doctor/nurse/staff person for about 30 minutes - but when i did.....i got the hot doctor - the same guy that was my doctor the last time i went into the ER - he is so fucking hot - so i kinda just stared at him while he talked to me and thought dirty things - but he hooked me up with some good meds that will make me better - they always do - so good deal - - i get these stupid infections all the time - i hate them - but i guess its something everyone has to deal with - oh well

of all the other things that happened the last week - chris and i talked things over - maybe talking would be an exageration - he talked and i kinda freaked out - as much as i hate everything that was said i am starting to think that maybe - just maybe what he proposed is a good idea - i wish that we never ever came to this - i mean i wish that we could be together and that we could be like boyfriends - but you know - i think we might need to be friends again - first before anything else to happen - he did tell me lots of very nice wonderful things - and i know that he still really cares about me - but i need to work on being less crazy all the time - and i will - and then maybe sometime in the future - we can be together and we can have a wonderful life - i hope so -

posted by Scott at 8/29/2004 10:51:00 PM

 
OUR ENDLESS NUMBERED DAYS

such a beautiful night - the best night i have had in months - carefree and relaxing - i took a night off from doing much of anything at all - and i am having a wonderful time -

i'm sitting out on my pourch right now - with lamps and candles lit - its a bit breezy so i have my blue sweater on - but its not terribly cold at all - infact its rather pleasant - like a nice fall day - - - i'm drinking a bottle of cheep wine and listening to iron and wine on the cd player spinning the cd "our endless numbered days" and it fits so well to everything - listening to "love and some verses" right now - its calming with the sound of the crickets out side - the smell of the candles burning - some stars starting to shine a bit in the sky - the sun has only been down for about 45 minutes so it isn't pure dark outside yet - the sunset was very nice tonight - some clouds were infront of it casting shaddows over it while the dust and debries in the air made it glow a firey red/orange - i was staring at it while i was driving home from the grocery store when i decided to have a night tonight - a nice night doing nothing - thinking and remembering the days of summer which are almost over - the summer was something of a mess but i think it was a growing experience for me - a time when i had to look up - face things i didn't want to and start to put a life togeather at the end - i guess i still don't know where i am in all of this but there is a start of something in the mess of everything thats happened -

i feel as if i have grown up this summer - my first summer a year out of school in a new town - a mix of working and relaxing - tensions and stressor - at times thinking i am dying and at others thinking i am fine - the summer was something - i went to chicago for a week and had numerous trips to ames to see friends in both places - i have been drunk more days then i can remember and shouldn't have been - my sober days were spent working and running around town with friends - as of late i have become a bit of a loner not going out and not calling my friends - its nice to be with yourself i think - it puts things into perspective - makes you realize what you have and what you miss and long for -

i have been missing something all summer and i know that they are tired of it - i try not to bring it up anymore - i've stopped talkin about it with friends - and asking people if he talks of me - as time goes on i'll more and more realize it - i can't keep holding on to it - sometimes when you hold something so tight you kill it - you get a stangle hold on it and its hard for air to rush in - as time goes on it becomes worse and worse - more and more - until there is nothing left to hold on to - i've fucked it up more times then i can count and i know i can't keep wishing and acting like nothing ever happened - i can't keep asking him to do the same - i've hurt him and i know he feels it - but the summer is almost over -

i always turn whatever i am talking about into a story about him - yet i don't mean to - its something that i do - and i need to stop - so back to something else - i've started the cd over again and have put my sweater on now - the wind has picked up a little and its getting colder outside - i have another day off work so i think i will finish off the bottle of wine i have been nursing for an hour now -

school will be starting soon and i have decided to go back and work on getting my masters in counseling - it was always something i wanted to do and now i am going to go and work on it - it should take me two and one half years to complete - two and one half years - and then i get to start my real life - a life where i can work and afford to do things - afford to have a house to live in - instead of a apartment in the ghetto part of town - i have always wanted a house to live in - a nice brick house - something old with a pourch in the back of it for lazy summer afternoons - to sit on and drink the night away - long summer nights of fireflies and stars dotting the sky - when the moonlight is so bright you don't need candles or lights - a dream i have i am sure will not come true but its a nice dream none the less - i can't help being a pessamist sometimes - its always better to not get your hopes up and fail then to hope and dream and wish and have it all come crashing down - i've learned this in my life - what life i have lived - what experiences have shapped it - i learned alot from my time in ames - the area and community tought me alot about life - what you have and what you want - what you can get and what you can't - being gay in this life is not easy - especially in a town now where they would just as soon cast you out of town then say hello to you - you can't do what you want - you can't have what you want - get used to it - i am getting used to it -

leaving with the song that is playing right now by iron and wine

each coming night
Will you say when I’m gone away
"My lover came to me and we'd lay
In rooms unfamiliar but until now"

Will you say to them when I’m gone
"I loved your son for his sturdy arms
We both learned to cradle then live without"

Will you say when I’m gone away
'Your father’s body was judgement day
We both dove and rose to the riverside"

Will you say to me when I’m gone
"Your face has faded but lingers on
Because light strikes a deal with each coming night"

my love to everyone who reads this if there are even any - you never know what is around your corner - you need to take each day as it comes - we might not be here tomorrow -

posted by Scott at 8/15/2004 09:24:00 PM