debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Friday, June 25, 2004
ATTACKED!!! work was long and tolling tonight - i had to take a kid to the doctor today - which took a whoping two hours - a hour and a half of which i spent with him in a very crowded waiting room with lots of old people - oh god - just by my client and me walking into the room the mean age lowered only to 70 - it was a small cramped room - made even smalled by all the wheel chairs moving around - of course we had to sit by two of the three doors in the place - so in and out all the time - i have scrapes on me legs now by old people running into me with the wheel chairs - although i will admit it was comedy - receptionist:you don't look so well earl. or the even classic... the assistent came out of the back room door and proceeded to call a womans name over and over again, until finally the elderly womans daughter realized they wanted her and helped the elderly woman to stand up - as they were walking to the door the woman let out a huge fart - to which she stated in a dazed look... and with that one i about lost it - normally i wouldn't laugh at such a sad sight as an elderly person losing their mind - but after sitting listening to fucking midi-made elevator music for an hour i just about lost it - i was choking on my laugh and just about did it out loud - but i am gald i could control myself - i need to set an example for my kids - even though he was laughing too - the rest of the day went - not good or bad just went - troubles with yelling, cursing and just plain old shit all over - it was just one of those days where you just want peace and quiet and you never get it -
Thursday, June 24, 2004
I COME HOME EVERYNIGHT HOPING FOR A WHITE BOX ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN - AND EVERY NIGTH I SEE NOTHING i have been out tonight - and i am a bit drunk - so this will be blunt and breif to the extent of me saying everythign i neeed to say quickely and consicely - although the words will be spellt wrong and things might now make sense - i need to write things down now - or i will be lost in them - as i am forever trying to get things back into working order - i don't know what to say - i keep thinking about my future and how htis will work - I LOVE HIM - nd i don't think he knows that - or maybe he is done with me and he just doesnt care - are all my words falling on deaf ears? - i come home from work everynight after not hearing forom him and i hope as i open my door that my computer screan will have a AIM message screan on it from him - io am to the point where anythin will do - it could say "how is the dic" or "was that fuck great" or anything it to "how are you" and "was work good, just wondering" - i don't care at all - i am to the point where i thinki am killing myself - i want to die over this so much - all i do is think of him - and it will be constued as - oh well its ok - you are just upset over it all - give it al while or you are afraid of being alone or just get over it and move on - you need to move on and sleep with other people - and i am sitting here after everyone tells me these things and i am still SAD - no one knows - no one realizes - what the fuck do i have to do to show how much i love him - or is this really it? - am i really doomed to never have him wth me again - AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX - not everything in this world is about sex - i will never feel him against me at night - i will never be the person he calls everyday - i will never be the person that he looks too to have a life with - everyone has one person in there life that they fall for and feel that i am not that person in his life - but he is taht person for me - i asked him once if he ever had someone that he loved compeletely and what happened when it ended - he said get over it and move on - WELL I REFUSE TO DO ATHT - i will not do that - i won't move on - and if that means that i never talk to him again and he doesn't ever talk to me again - and we are starangers when we see each other then i gues i eill except that - i don't know what to do with nmy life anymroe - i miss him all the time - and i don't know if he misses me -
god i don't know what to do with my life anymore - i want to die sometimes - i seriously do - i just want to end it all - but if i fail - is that an option? what do i have then?
Saturday, June 19, 2004
"LET ME TOUCH YOU FOR A WHILE" its nights like this that i really miss chris - laying dazzed on my couch i think about all the things about him - when i couldn't fall asleep right away at his place when i would stay there i would lay awake in his bed - he grinds his teeth at night - sometimes i would awake when he used to sleep right next to me - his body next to me - i could hear him grinding his teeth - but he would look so peaceful - i lay on my couch clinging tightly to a pillow like i used to sleep with him some nights - my arm stretched over his side or around his chest - laying right behind him curled up to fit perfectly with his body shape - feeling his breathing - his chest moving up and down - slowly - rythmicly - i could feel his body moving as he slept - letting my hand rest on his chest - feeling his hair - his body - moving - slowly - sleeping - the grinding - i miss it all - i love it all - its funny how you get so used to something that when you don't have it you are misserable - sleeping isn't the same - it's hard to hold a pillow that doesn't have its own warmth or breathing and call it the same - its not even right to call a pillow some half assed replacement to use until whenever - its never the same - it will never be the same - sometimes i just wish i could lay with him and hold him for 10 minutes - just that would make me happier - ******
trying to get to sleep i put in a slow mix of alison krauss and union station tonight- which is where the title of the entry comes in - she was singing me to sleep tonight - you should visit her place sometime - click on the title of this entry for a redirect to her - but i listened to this song repeatedly a few times - dwelling on things - everything i do reminds me of him - and i listened to alison sing so sweetly - she puts it so perfectly when she says..... "I know a way to make you smile, just let me whisper things you never heard before. Just let me touch you babe, just let me touch you for a while."
Friday, June 18, 2004
UNDER THE MILKYWAY
i went out with a couple of friends - it was from the start a "night to get obliterated" and i took it with strides - i didn't care what bar i was going to - i was only looking for liqour - not was other people are telling me to go do - i did not go to a bar looking for sex - i wanted to get drunk - i booted up to the bar and ordered the first of 7 jack and sours - soon straws became to hazardous to me as i jabbed my lip and cheek a few times - soon sipping joined the straw and dissappeared from my night - downing jack and sours - drining to make myself happy - drinking to become lighthearted and fun - i had programed the juke-box with songs that i loved - the cars, patsy cline, gorillaz, the white stripes - i sang them all to chad who laughed back at the fool i was becoming - more drinks arived courtesy of trevor feeding the frenzy - a game of pool didn't work so well as i was too drunk to hold the pool cue when i would shoot - i didn't hit any of the balls and if i did hit one it was never the cue ball - laughing - i called jennifer and told her i was drunk and having fun and about my troubles in the bathroom - she worries - and i told her not to - more drinks went down my throat and i became more and more drunk - stuttering and sluring more then usual - cursing loudly and falling - i slammed the bit of a drink due to trevors insisting - and ran to the rest room - i found the toilet ok - they had a few walls to hold onto - i threw up - violently - cursing - "fuck this" "shit, oh no" - over and over again - holding onto the wall and hearing the trevor walking in saying "yeah, he's sick" - i don't remember all too much of the rest of the night - bits and pieces - i remember trying to talk out and running my head into the condom machine twice as i was colapsing into chads arms - damn drunks - trevor told me that he drove us home to me muttering "i don't want to be drunk anymore" up into the alley of the townhouse when i opened the door of the moving car and fell out to puke some more - he said i was falling out of the car and dragging on the ground in the alley - he apparently got out and picked me up off the street - took me inside and i was screaming for "help" cause "i don't want to die" - over and over again "i don't want to die" - why i was screaming that i am not sure - some inate emotional sentament boiling over in my drunkin state - i didn't want to die apparently - chad said he rubbed my back as we listened to my cd from the car as i tried to puke more for about an hour - i was singing gary jules "mad world" as they played it over and over again cause i would yell if they changed it - and again - i was told i fell forward once and banged my head on the coffee table - probalby lucky i didn't split it open at some point - i don't know when but i guess i just fell over eventually and passed out - i don't remember much of this night after i threw up - but this is what i have been told that happened - i awoke up still buzzed from the night before at 10:45 - i was not good - and all today i have not been good - i am not sick feeling - but i am not feeling - i have a headache where the pain spot is where i repeatedly banged my head - downstairs its some stupid "awesome harley nights" festivle where the street is closed off and the motorcycles come in and people dance and sing and drink - i am upstairs in my apartment - trying to ignore the noise - i am going to take a few of my lortabs in a second and try to go to sleep on the couch - downstairs is where he is - but i want him to be up here - i don't think he will write me again tonight or stop over - he says i can't have him anymore and that i should move on with me life - but i can't move on with my life cause he is my life - he is all i want and all i will ever want - nothing compares to him - and i know this at 24 - - - - my life is with him - i'll wait as long as i have to if i need to wait forever then i will - nothing will change how i feel and i sit here tonight - like last night and the night before it - the previous two months have been long and sad - but i will sit everynight waiting - under the milkyway tonight -
Monday, June 14, 2004
"I GUESS SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH TRAGEDY IN THEIR BLOOD"
"I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood." ---- fitting statement for this - the movie turned out to be everything that i hoped it would be - it was suspenseful but deffinetly made me think about things - about the life and future - can we change things? - can we move throughout time - or in otherwords as people believe - that we are in a finite path that is pre-determined for us by god and religion - are we capable of changing our paths throughout this world? - i sincerely enjoyed this movie and i will be most deffinetly watching it again and again - this next week shall be a wonderful event - you all really should visit donnie darko HERE -
Friday, June 11, 2004
A WEEKS WORTH WELL SPENT
also a good deal is that i am going out with "Ch" tonight - i am actually meeting him right after work at a bar in town - i am happy that he is letting me spend some time with him - it should be good fun - i really do miss him so much - i haven't really written a whole hell of a lot about him lately - but i haven't written much of anything lately - i am in part trying to go on with things and let nature take its course - not push things - althought i don't think i am doing a good job at that - but i don't know what else to do - he is all i want anymore - i love spending time with him - he makes me smile and i love being around him - but i guess i just need to let things work out on their own - i can't force something - but my feelings never change for him - they will always be the same - i love him and want to be with him
TODAY'S HOROSCOPE
fuck - this describes everyday in my life - i swear - i don't know what the hell i am doing anymore - ?
Saturday, June 05, 2004
A MODEST IDEA
what does this have to do with me now? well besides the obvious things: family tragedy and needless death - i am saddened because he has left behind a wife and two daughters - one 8 and one 19 - its careless what happened and it didn't need to happen - how it effects me is because on numerous occasions i had decided to play with my life - i always had a sense of what i was doing was wrong and careless - i never got too out of control - but i have found myself in freezing doorways and cowering in dark bathrooms using a small teethed knife to inflict damage upon myself - too many times i did this - and have since quit - i haven't cut myself in a long time - but do have some scars to show for my stupidity - i guess once in a while you see how stupid some things you do are - i knew it was dumb to do - but today while driving home on a desolet road i realized how dumb i had been - looking at my scars that won't go away - i feel very bad for my cousins having to grow up the rest of thier life without a father - - while listening to the songs on the radio - azure ray turned into modest mouse...."and we'll all float on alright,
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