so here i am at work - and its only 12:30 p.m. - ugh - this is getting so old - i can't take this anymore - so my normal weekly rotation is working one weekend day a week - whic might not be bad - only that it is a whole day - 15 hours of being with the kids - and while its not that bad - ugh - i do get oh so tired of it oh so fast - being able to only go out on one weekend night is kinda shady too - i never get to do fun things on the weekends like little weekend trips - so yeah - i got up today and it was dark out this morning - i hate it - i was up at 7a.m. and went bed at 12:30a.m. - oh it is just too much for me - so.....
i have applied for a new job! - - - - yeah for me! - - - - well i applied at jackson recovery to work as an outreach worker - basically the first line of contact anyone has with jackson - someone told me it seems like a glorified secretary (if so i hope its like Secretary) but i know it is not - so oh well - but it seems a good stable job with much more room for personal growth and improvement then the job i am at now - so i am happy with that - i had an interview last tuesday and i will hopefully get a call this coming tuesday - but the woman who interviewed me told me that i was a very good canadate for the position - rock on for me!!! -
now on to other things........christmas
so i went home for christmas - man i love it - well it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be - family and friends were good ok - the only major annoyance came from my white trash cousins - its always a constant fight with them about something - hell - they just annoy me so much - but first lets start where it began -
Christmas Eve so i got home to my parents - who only live about 30 minutes from me - at about 4:30 - well it was pretty early so i helped my mom finish making all the things to serve the family - every year my parents host a large family and friend christmas party for every they know - usually there are about 30 to 40 people - lots of food and booze and gifts - it is usually a very fun time and i love it so much - well finally some people started to show at about 6 and it just got more packed as time went on - my best friend from high school showed up with his girlfriend along with the rest of his family - this was great because he brought out a bottle of makers mark whisky with him for us to split - it was a great time - so needless to say - after half a bottle of whiskey, three glasses of wine and some jim and cokes - i was lit up like the christmas tree - and then it was someones bright idea to go out to the casino - which was kinda fun actually - but we needed to have my father drive us since all 4 of us were drunk - dad was a little learly - but i think mom wanted us out of the house - so needless to say we went and my brother won 70 bucks - in nickels! - thats a lot of nickels - so we loaded them into buckets - on the way to the bank he decided to ask me if i was gay - so since i was trashed i played the guessing game where you lead them with questions - he figured it all out and i was actually pretty impressed with the whole thing - he took it quite well - his only request was : just don't make out infront of me - done - already - i hate that shit - i would never - well after that - we just bummed around and didn't do much of anything - we wanted to save the cash - so we only got more drinks and waited for father to drive out and pick us up - Christmas Day so i awoke from my long winters nap to find my mother yelling at me to get up cause i have slept in and we are going to be very late to grandmothers - ugh - hangover city - not good at all - but i got through the day with a little mimosa - oh the breakfast of champions - but we opened presents at home quickly - i got a nice throwback detroit red wings jersey and also a few sweaters - they are lambswool and are so soft - they will look great over a dress shirt - {will have photos later!!!} - but after this we took off like the wind down the interstate to grandmothers house - more presents were opened there and my cousins succeeded in annoying the shit out of me in mere seconds again this year - *****fuck***** - how is it possible that two people whom i don't see more then a combined 20 hours a year - can just frustrate me to the point of wanting to stab myself in the arm with a pencil over and over again - i just don't get it at all - but i weathered the storm of insanity by sleeping about three hours of the day away - hmmm - best thing i ever did - not only did everyone leave me alone and not want to wake me up - but i relieved my hangover and felt refreshed when i awoke - we had supper at grandmothers and sat around and talked for a while - it was good - *funny though* - i never really noticed how old everyone was getting until that day - the whole family is getting so old - new kids are being born - and it was just this really strange reality check - some of these people won't be around forever - who knows when something might happen - scary thoughts really - but yeah - it was what i was thinking at the time - we left grandmothers and my brother and i drove home - it was a good christmas i think -
THE KIDS DID IT TO ME FINALLY - I HAVE A (ONE) GRAY HAIR
i blamed the kids at work for it - to which they just laughed at me and told me i shouldn't be so hard on them then - to which i responded with a laugh and a stern look - they continued to laugh at me the rest of the day and call me old man - which further solitified the notion in my head that i will never have kids of my own - but i eventually got them back by busting them and assigning some room time -
but in all actuality - its true - i have one long gray hair - actually its kinda whitish - or something inbetween - maybe a bit silvery - who knows really - its not something that stands out on its own - you have to look and see it up close - i'll point it out to you if you like - but i do reserve the right to bitch slap anyone who decides to add a non-gracious comment after it - but anyway - its bugging me a little - well because i am only 24 - and i am beginning to go gray! - eh gads !!!- i think about the genetics i have been passed - and well yeah - i maybe doomed - well my moms side of the family goes bald - and thank god i didn't get that - but my brother did and he is thining on the top now - {side note: check out this stash! he only had it for a day, pitty really} - but instead i have my fathers genetics leading my way - and in that family - guys go salt and pepper hair early - my father started at 32 and my uncle at 30 - i guess my grandfather was salt and pepper all over by 28 - yikes! - now - you think i would be starting to get a little worried by this - but in all actuality - i really don't think i care that much - i mean - it would be bad for me to go gray early - but i will not die it - i think it looks distinguishing and wise - or it will look like i am 40 - who really knows - i guess we will all just have to wait to find out -
in the mean time i have a new photo of myself to show everyone thanks to the new digital camera i have - i love it - i am really not sure why i look so sad in this photo - but i do -
on to something now that is not so fun - well the relationship with my man is going - we are talking now and having things out - i understand why he is upset and i know what i did wrong - it is all making sense to me know - only i am not sure how to go about fixing this - i don't quite know - persea....what to do to help us - i actually had a melt down last night - i am sure it was a mess to figure out what the hell i was doing - but if he is reading this - i thank him for letting me in and talking to me and i thank rebekkah and brandon for following me home -
i pray (and i really have done that recently about this - *gulp*) that everything will turn out ok - i don't like to think about my life without him in it - it scares me so much -
so i had a small problem and said i was moody and frustrated about something and now i think i have pissed him off and made him very mad at me for something - i don't know what to do right now - i am so confused - i feel like i might have lost him now and i feel like i am going to cry - i have felt like it all day - i constantly have this feeling in my stomach that i'll never see him again and that he is going to tell me to fuck off when he sees me - but i just don't understand - i really didn't want anything bad - i was feeling bad about something - and when i told him he just told me he was crap and that he was nothing good at all - it didn't need that type of reaction - it didn't need any reaction - all it needed was a simple explenation - and instead i got a possible end - i don't want him to - i don't want him to leave me - i don't want him to go away - i want him to be with me forever - i want to wake up with him everyday like i was doing - yesterday and today - oh hell - this is the worst day i have had in a long time - i feel like i could be bad to myself later for what i have done today -
i just don't understand what the hell happened today - i just don't get it - but for the love of god if he did anything to himself - i am going to freak out and freak out good - i don't know what the hell i would do - probably cry a whole hell of a lot and get really depressed - but i don't think he would hurt himself - but then again you never know with anyone what someone will do - you just never know with anyone - cause no one ever knew with me - and i have done stupid things before - oh god i don't know why the hell i have written so much - but i have - i guess this is some sort of coping mechnism for me because i don't know what else to do - so if i write it down i feel better about it - but i don't feel better at all - i feel worse - i feel like shit and i want to die - why does this always happen with me - seriously i swear it was not that big of a problem - or even if it was a problem - i just said i was just moody cause i was wondering about something about us - and when i said what it was he said well i guess i am not good enough for you - oh god - hell - i swear it was not bad -
i just don't know what happened - i don't understand why it went this far and that it went nuts - i want cry so much - hell -
so now i don't know what to do with myself - what i was frustrated about before - i told him and he told me he was an asshole that needed to die - something that was far over reaction for what i am talking about - hell - it is not that important - i am just wondering why - why why - i almost really don't even care - but damn - it is just frustrating - what am i supposed to do -
now he is mad and i am at a loss - what the hell do i do - what the hell do i do now - i have fucked up everything again - do i even deserve to be alive?
frustrating - perhaps a little bit yes - i am not sure what to do anymore - in fact - i am becoming quite introspective about myself and what the hell is the problem - well yesterday a comment was made by a friend of mine - and i never really thought about it - but you know - it could be the truth -
it so could be the truth - perhaps i have gotten to fat to use a word i don't like to use - but its the truth - i have gone back up in weight - but it is nothing like what i was at - last christmas i was at 216 - and i got my weight down - through smoking, diet and exercise to a very nice 175 - but considering i am a short man - weight caries on me not very flatteringly - so yeah - i lost a lot of weight - but i still look fat - oh wel - so i am up a little bit one year later to 186 - not too bad - still 20 off my old weight - but its the truth - i am fat - hell - so i am in a gym now - running my ass of every time i am there - drinking slim fast - and taking some wonderful supplements that danny showed me about a while back - but it won't work - i know it won't - i am doomed to be fat forever -
its shit is what it is - my genetics are playing a cruel game on me now - and because of all of this i get told no - no - no - no - eh - rrrrrgggghhh - frustrated - yes - quite - it makes no sense - at frist i was thinking it had to do with the knee - but this started before the knee - about a week before the knee - so i am down to the idea that it is because i am fat and not that pretty to look at - has to be the reason - there is no other possible explenation - fuck - i am in some mood now -
it was a rough day at work today - i had three clients and one staff puke because of the flu - its been one hell of a day - i feel gross -
but other then that - i am starting to feel a lot better - my fever broke yesterday night and everything but my cough is now gone - but i forsee that going on for some time into the future - why would it stop - i usually have coughs for a long time - but thank god that i am feeling better -
so now i have four days off - what to do with it - well i think i will go christmas shopping for one - and do some workouts and then probably sleep a whole hell of a lot - yes sir -
NO REST FOR THE LIGHTHEADED, FEVERISH, CHILLED, SORETHROATED, COUGHING SICKNESS PLAGUED BOY
if you can't tell i am sick - and not sick of something this time - i am sick - the doctor told me i have acute influenza - or in other words - prepare to have the worst 4 days of your life - but mainly now i can't sleep because i am coughing to much - - - yes - it was predicted by my boyfriend that i would get absolutely no sleep tonight - but i tried - that is all i can say - so i am just really dazzed right now - sitting in an upright position just wishing i could fall asleep - but actually today wasnt so bad - yesterday was hell -
yesterday woke up feeling pretty good - no major problems at all - i had a little neck and back ache - but that was it - i figured it was from a hold i did on a client a few days prior - so i left my bf's and went home to shower and get ready for work - during the shower i got this massive headache - and a cough started to come on - i blew it off right off the bat - after i got out of the shower though i felt a little dizzy and was starting to feel sick to my stomach - but it was too late for me to call in so i had to drive to work and see what they would say - when i got to work i found out all the supervisors were in a meeting and couldnt see one - my shift partner paged them numerous times to tell them i was really sick - and then just said - ok - and then i got sick - in a trash can in the living room - and my shift partner again - called but this time just demanded that i was going home cause i was throwing up and i didn't need to be here - this time they agreed - thank god for that so i noticed that i was really weak at that point in time - so i needed a ride cause i didnt want to drive myself and end up in a ditch somewhere - so i thought to call my bf first - but he is scheduled to have knee surgery on monday so i didn't want him to get sick - so deicded to call rebekkah clitorus - but what good would that do - even if i could get her out of bed she has no car - so i called the bf and he came and took me to his doctors office - after i fended off the need to puke in the sink in the exam room the doctor told me that i have the flu and that it just set in so i would get some meds to lessen it but i had to let it run its course - so i would have to wait - so i left - felt like i was gonna pass out in the lobby and called the bf to come and get me - he is the best guy - i owe him a big dinner for this!! - i went back to my apt and my parents came up and brought me back to their house so they could watch over me - cause it just sucks to be sick and alone - so i sletp there last night and i slept a lot today - i constantly woke up all the time - but i got a lot of sleep in - but now - i am back at my apt - sick and alone - but feeling dramatically better then yesterday - but no where near 50% yet -
there is no work for me tomorrow - i can't go to work since i work with children in a confined setting - if the flu got in there it would be like the WACO compound - it would go up in seconds - so i am here tomorrow - oh well - i don't feel good enough to do anything anyway -
