debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Monday, June 30, 2003
HIGH EXPECTATIONS - WHEN I SHOULD HAVE NONE
now for something completely different - i have a new link for a friend test - it is located here so you should go and take it and see if you know me - i will admit some of the questions have multiple answers for different points - but the best one always has 10 points - try it out!! -
Thursday, June 26, 2003
WAITING FOR THE MOON TO RISE
two nights ago we went on a date - the first date actually of whatever we are - budding i think - like a small plant or an undersea invertabrate life form - yes that is it - growing something new - but yes we had a date - it was a long one - from 5:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. - almost like a marathon - really it was fun though - we were gonna go out to eat early - but yea - tornado #1 was around town so we didn't - everything in town closed down cause of the warning in effect - i guess there was one about 3 miles right outside of town - scary - well at around 7 we finally went to eat and then just grabbed some movies - at this time was tornado #2 around the outside of town again - about 10 miles away or something - we ignored it - we watched the movies and vegged out as only i can do in perfect style and just talked - but the highlight was when he said we were going out - cool - no biggie i thought - but oh man - we went into the towns graveyard and then went to a mosaleum that is built into the side of the hill - we sat ontop of it and looked down into the whole river valley - it was quite a site to see - especially with all the heat lightening that was going on - there was constant lightening criss crossing the sky - it was a spectacular light show - i loved it - so then we came back and watched some other movie - i am not sure what - tornado #3 this time - we again ignored it - oh well - and then we just crashed hard - i fell asleep in an instant - so tired - but i had a really good time - it is nice to be happy again for once - for such a long time i was making myself misserable trying to gain something i think i will never have - oh well - i had fun - tonight i will be going to see him again - should be fun i am sure -
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
WORKED UP SO SEXUAL
the night the lights went out - 11:30 p.m. - i got off work in a driving rain storm that included 50 to 70 mph winds and torrential rains - and lots of sky to ground lightening - apparently we got about 3 inches of rain in less then an hour - if you know what that means that is a lot of rain - typically in this situation i would have called the boy and asked if i could crash at his place - since we are not talking i went to chads - - 11:50 p.m. - so it took me about twenty minutes to drive about maybe 8 miles - not cool - but interesting chad (aka: rebecca clitorus *its a working name*) was home and it just so happens he was watching the wizard of Oz on video - specifically the tornado scene right when the storm hit - poor boy thought he was going to Oz - so i chilled with him a bit till we decided to drink - eh why not - - 12:30 a.m. - so we get to Bill's Bar late - by all accounts it looks like a crack house in the middle of athe ghetto - but it was actually really nice on the inside - i have a feeling the owner doesn't want to fix it up cause then the property taxes would go up - eh - who cares - but we were there in the driving rain - drinking jeagermeister shots, SoCo and cranberries for me and Red Headed Sluts for chad - mmmm.....they were great drinks packed with alcohol - actually we were quite snockered when we left the bar at 1:30 to go home - - 1:45 a.m.- we get home drunk and shortly there after trevor and two people i don't know come with him - they were pissed cause some bitch was supposed to be celebrating her birthday with them and she ditched them and took all their liquor - not good - so when two other people show up, kerschell and mikey - they get on the phone and start the guilt trip to get the girl home so they can party - oh......but here is the catch - they told her that i was a straight guy and that i was really interested in meeting her and maybe having some fun - i even talked to her on the phone with a deeper voice and manly manerism to make it more official - it was hilareous - so they finally get her - with my good acting job - to go back to her house so we can party with her - i wanted to go home but after that performance i decided to stay a bit longer - i mean who knows what could happen - maybe i would get some!!! - hahahahah....eh.....no....don't want it - - 2:30 a.m. - after the most confusing car ride of my fucking life we end up at this girls house - and oh she has a friend over - and damn he is hot - a fireman too - wow - he was pretty good to look at - but excessively straight - the kind of guy that needs to tell us about his women all the time to justify it and make it clear in our heads - completely not necessary - but funny - so we get there - i meet the girl i am supposidly going to hit on - she seems nice - and we proceed to do some jello shots and drink really strong drinks - but they containded Southern Comfort - so no problem for me - we sat out on the balcony for a while and smoked and talked with some firefighter (yes he was hot - no pun intended) who was obvisually not a big fan of gay people - well - maybe i am wrong but he seemed scared of us - i guess he knew trevor and a friend of his is gay - but still - he seems completely uncomfortable with two gay guys there - well three - i was undercover as a straighty - well after a bit of that - someone decided that we should play asshole or whatever that card drinking game is called - seriously - a card game - what happened to the good old glory days when all you needed was some quarters and a rock glass to get trashed - well i learned how the play the stupid card game and got very drunk in the process - oh hell - it was too much for me - so i told the boys we needed to go - well miss clitorus said ok after she steals some lancome eyeshadow and some lipstick from the girl whose party it was - apparently when miss clitorus when to the bathroom for 20 minutes she decided to go through the girls makeup - haha - i laughed so much at that - partly because the girl walked in on her doing so and gave her some lipstick she didn't want anymore - lucky bitch- so i agree and stand watch as the bitch digs in and takes it - then it is really time to go - trevor grabs the straight guys package when he leaves - probably forever putting a mark on that mans consciousness - then it was time to go - such so we do migrate out and drive home - - 4:45 a.m. - so we finally get home after a couple short stops to miss some bushes that had come down in the storm and for miss clitorus to tip over a port-a-potty - she is so good at being bad i tell you - so after that we just got to the house and watched the rest of the Wizard of Oz and looked at some porno and the such - it pretty soon it was getting light out so we decided to get ready for bed - i was gonna go sleep with miss clitorus but i decided to sleep on the couch instead so i could sneak out when i needed too - - 5:30 a.m. - so i am kinda in a drunk slumber when i hear curtis come home and trevor say "look who is on our couch! and he is naked!" - i chuckled a bit cause i was wearing pants but you couldn't see them - so then i see curtis coming over and pulling down the blanket off my face - i couldn't help but laugh - he said hi and then asked if i was naked - i said no i was wearing pants and i think he was a bit disappointed then - hehehe - poor kid - well he gave me a kiss goodnight on the cheek and went upstairs - trevor then gave me another blanket and then the same kiss and went to bed - those kids are so sweet to me - - 12:30 p.m. - so my lame ass finally wakes up and it is time to go home - thanks fuck for that - i felt like a wreck a bit but not too bad overall - i will deffinetly have to do it again sometime - probably next week - hehehe - fun fun -
Saturday, June 21, 2003
I KISSED YOU IN A STYLE CLARK GABEL WOULD HAVE ADMIRED
so what i have failed to include in this thing all along is that the kid in vermillion - well i do like him - well no i said that before - - but not in the sense tha it wanted to say it - i mean i do like him - oh lord does that mean what i think it means - yup.....there is life after the boy - but oh the kid in vermillion - which i refer to as the kid because for the first time in a relationship ever i am now the elder one - but still the least experienced - as it always will be it seems - but really not by much - he has only had one morerelationship then me - i would say it would be even but i refuse to count the last fling i had as a relationship because at no point was there ever mutual agreement on the state of the relationship - except now that there is none - so yes the kid is a wonderful guy - and what do i see happening with this guy - well i can say for sure that i think there is something happening - he did tell me that he fancied me - and i do fancy him - it sounds so victorian and stately that way i think - but - yes - i think there is something in the works here - yes - most deffinetly - even to put it a bit farther - the last time i saw him we left each other with a kiss - yup - well actually multiple kisses - nothing like a make out or anything - just nice and sweet - it is so good to be in the company of someone like that - who likes to be close - and sit around and actually talk and things - not saying that the boy didn't do those things - cause at one time he did - but it has since been lost in time somewhere - i still remember the most touching and loving thing that the boy did for me - it was one time i was leaving his place - i was sitting up in his bed to get out and go home back to ames - and he rolled over and grabbed onto me - and just hung onto me around my waist - as to keep me from leaving - it was great - there was love and it was shown - it was amazing to feel him grabbing onto me and not wanting to let go of me - since then he has distanced himself from me and we have fallen out of things - whatever we are - it is nothing like what it used to be - from that time between thanksgiving and christmas - those were the best of times - i will remember them forever - but not to cast a cloud over what i am hoping to establish now - no never at all - the kid is great and i hope things with him continue to move on and grow - the thing with the boy is most certianlly dead - i have tried to get him to respond and i have gotten nothing from him - i am tired of putting myself out there to get hurt - no more games - no more games at all -
A RELEASE OF SORTS - FINDING NEW MEANING IN TRAVEL
sometimes i think i must be a masochist or something - cause i always end up hurting myself over and over and over and over and over and over... - but seriously - i guess i am done with it - i am not sure though - i really do care about him - if he still wanted to be with me i would - but right now - everything i see and feel from him tells me to get the fuck lost - so maybe i will - which brings me to why i have titled this post thus - because i have been traveling a lot lately - to where you might ask - why let me tell you - i have been going to vermillion actually - yup south dakota - apparently after my last major relationship i have unconsciounslly decided that i can't handle anything in the same vacinity - for the love of god - but last night i spent almost 5 hours there after work - just hanging out and talking with this kid - and the more i do that the more i like him - he is a great kid - and we really have a lot in common - we both work in the social service sectors of society - we both want to go to grad school - he is about 3 years younger then me - but so what - i never have cared about age - fuck it - so i am liking the kid - he is great - he really is - so i have been driving to see him - which - as i am driving back home to sleep at 5 in the morning is a little much - but hell - time flies when you are in the company of something good - and he actually likes me too - well hell - thats a rariety around here apparently -
Thursday, June 19, 2003
THE DARK HORSE COMES INTO THE PICTURE
tomorrow night i am going to go and watch a movie with him after work - should be a long ass day but i think it will be well worth the time - he seems really great - and i think he is really great - oh hell - nothing - i am still in love with another boy - fuck myself - god damit i am such a pathetic loser -
Monday, June 16, 2003
A NEW HOME
but anway - where i am going to live - on place is the Call Terminal building - it is right on the thriving 4th street bar and night club area of town - i believe it would be a very fun time to live there - another building is the Carnegie apartments in downtown sioux city - this used to be the old sioux city library now renovated into housing - and last is the Century Plaza apartments - again in downtown sioux city - they are pretty cool and look to be the best out of all of them - so who knows really what will happen - i guess i will take what ever i can get into - no doubt - on another note - i have not heard back from the boy yet - this scares me -
WEEKEND DOWN AND OUT FOR THE COUNT this weekend was only slightly devastating - so that is good i think - well i worked all day on saturday - which meant that i didn't go out on friday at all - i had to be to work at 8 on saturday - so i got up at 6:20 - so i went to bed friday at midnight - yup i lead an exciting life - but saturday was pretty mundane too - i worked my first realy shift at the place - and it went really well - all the kids obeyed me and did what i asked of them - i had minimal conflict with him - and i hope that continues - maybe i will be able to build a really good repour with them and it will all be fine - and then maybe after that i can run for queen of england - right - that will not happen - i am sure some of them were just nice to me since it was my real first day - but who knows till i go back - i'll tell you on tuesday night - saturday night was supposed to be a nice release - instead i got to the bar just as the boy was leaving - i tracked him down and asked him if i could stay at his house - he hesatantly said yes and so i did - the whole while feeling like a giant pain in the ass - which i am - ask anyone - but i can't help it - oh well - so i staied there - all the while hoping i could sneak in a kiss and maybe get a little close to him - ah no - i couldn't get enough courage mustered to even sit down by him - i was too afraid he would ask me to move away from him - or even worse to stop whatever it is that i am doing - i am too scared to even sit by him - what is wrong with me - so tonight thinking that it would make everything ok in the long run - don't ask me why i thought that - i sent him one final email detailing how i was feeling and that i wanted a response to the question of -do you think there is any hope for a future between us? what i get back - if i even get anything back - i know i will not like - i can already tell it will be bad - oh fuck why do i do these things - all i want is for him to love me - god damit - is that too much to ask for?
Friday, June 13, 2003
THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN FOR ME
but scott you say - so what if you have to work - that shouldn't let you stop the wonderful night of inebration and debotchery you had planned - and i would normally say - damn right it won't stop me - but tomorrow is different - tomorrow i have to work a 15 hour shift - from 8 in the morning to 11 at night - thats enough to make anyone want to sleep the whole day before - and believe me - it is a scary thought to know you have to work that much - you would sleep - which is why i am not out tonight at all - i really wish i could be - there are so many things i want to do - but alas it will have to wait for tomorrow night - and if you think a 15 hour day is gonna slow me down at the bar - hahaha - you are dead wrong pal - no way in hell - in other news - i hate my life - completely and utterly hate it - everyone always says hate is a strong word - but yeah - i know and i still hate it - it sucks - i sleep alone everynight - i constantly see the man i love and nothing comes of that - and i am not entering a dead end job which pays me practically nothing at all - nothing!!! - so why shouldn't i hate it - everyone will say this is just stupid karma coming back to get me - but fuck that shit - it has had me everyday of my life - for once i would just love to have everything go right for a small extended period of time - just one time - for like a week or so - instead something is always fuckin it up - god i hate myself sometimes -
Thursday, June 12, 2003
THE NEW FRIEND
anyway - we just were talkin about whats goin on in our lives - he asked my why i was back here - i asked him what he was doing with his life - it was cool - he was a very nice person - who actually never once asked me to have sex with him - which was a nice change - sometimes it is fun to play with the people on the net - which maybe why some people do not like me - but come on - hello - read the profile - don't just go asking strangers for sex - even if i am hot - which i have been told a lot lately - i feel like a comment box - everyone keeps droping their comments at me - but what the hell - what do i care - i will never date them or even be with them so it is of no concern to me what they think - but it is nice to have a compliment - god i sound so conceeded - but anyway back to the new friend - so this kid is really nice - i find out he is actually 18 or 19 - just finishing school and going to college in august - thats fine - brad is 19 - so i don't feel all pedafilic or anything for talkin to him - not that i am looking for anything - people keep you minds clean - but he was nice - the best thing about him was his taste in music - he likes - or should i say he knows - which is more of a surprise - who..and you will know us by the trail of dead are - and even better he knows who death cab for cutie are - wow i am just floored - no one ever knows who those bands are - kudos to him - he wanted to meet for coffee sometime - but i said no - i'm not gona do that - just a net friend is fine - and i also must detail that i am still looking at a relationship with the main boy in my life - wether he wants it or not - who knows - but no one else is going to take his place - i just simply met a new friend -
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
AT ANY MOMENTS NOTICE, CRAZY MY ENSUE
Sunday, June 08, 2003
WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING PEOPLE ALL ALONG
Saturday, June 07, 2003
IT CAME FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART - BUT MAY HAVE FALLEN SHORT
finally i got a hold of someone - trevor - a sweetie - he was at home wiht curtis and albert - so i zipped over there - on the way though i called the boy's cell phone and left two very heart felt messeges - almost crying during them and basically telling him how i felt about us and the situation and everything - i didn't want to leave a messege but i needed to get it all out - once there i and watched two week notice with them - i couldn't help but feel something was up there - trevor was extremely nice to me and curtis was kinda in a fowl mood - i was not sure if i was causeing some problems there or if it was a consequence of previous actions in the evening - oh well - but trevor made me a drink that tasted a lot like my pal stina's dreamscicle (patent pending of course) - it was not bad but the 1/2 and 1/2 was making me ill - no food can make liquor do that to you - well after the movie and trevor repeatedly taking my shoe off - he really is such a nice kid - seriously - i decided to go back to the bar - the kids were a little sad to hear that - but i told them i would be back - and i was - so i went to the bar and saw that the boy was there - i refer to him as the boy to keep his identity a secret - although who the fuck cares i have no idea - but i went over to him and told him i liked his shirt - it was one that i gave to him - we chatted a bit - nothing really to interesting - just small talk - i wanted so bad to just hug him and say everythign to him - but i first asked him if he got my phone messeges - he said no - oh hell then - he has no idea what he is about to get - so some time went by and he got up and said he was going to leave - i asked him if i could crash at his place and he said "no i would rather you not tonight" - now i am sorry - but that only gives me bad ideas about what is going to happen then later - i have had friends and an x who told me not to come over only to go and do things with other people - and i guess if he was blowing me off - then that is fine - its a free world - - - - well i followed him out and to the cars - i told him to check his messeges - and he left - i then called him and asked him if i could come over to his house and talk to him - he said yes - what happened next was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life - so i got to his house and went inside with him - he stood right in the door way going past his dinning room table as to not let me get into the house - and then i spilled it all - i told him that everythign i had said on the messege was true - i didn't come to sioux city for a job - i could have gotten three in ames easliy - and they paid a whole lot more too - i didn't come back for family - i love them but i can't stand them sometimes - i honestly came back to sioux city for him - everything i have done is for him - and if that makes me sound crazy then so be it - i was sorry that things turned out and happened the way they did - but i don't know what to do anymore - i love him - and that all i wanted was to be with him - i have done this and i am here for him - i know that we have had some huge problems - but relationships have problems - and i can't ask for him to take me back - but i really really love him - and then i gave him a huge - he laid his head on my shoulder and i about thought i was gonna die - - - and then i said good bye - i'd call him later - and i left - and then i came back - i got as far as the second door out - there are three - he was still standing in the same place he was before - i told him that i thought this was insane - that i swear he still feels for me and that i know we are good together - i even dug out the quote from him - "all i want is to know that you are here everyday when i wake up and when i die i want you to be there with me" - and i said - i don't know if that was all bull shit or the truth but i have been carrying it with me for so long now - i just don't know what to do anymore - i told him i was so scared to walk out the door cause i thought he would never see me again - and i was - still am scared about that - the pain of a broken heart is amazing - i sometimes think i should have finished what i started a long time ago - the self destruction - but it would do no good - i would just be covered with more reminders of the bad things that have happened - so i hugged him again - kissed him on the cheek and walked out the door - on the way to the house that drama built i called him and told him that was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life to walk out on him then - and it was - i feel asleep on trevors couch somewhere around four alone - and it is were i might end up again tonight - for i believe that i am alone again - love to you all for reading -
Friday, June 06, 2003
hell this is not right - my comments section is not working right - looks like everyone will just have to write me a letter - hahaha - like anyone writes me anyway - OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW - THE TROUBLED WASTELAND MORPHS INTO DEBATE EXPOSES DOUBT?
i just felt that things needed to be changed around here - my old site was looking like a mess and it was really a product of college - now that i am out on my own i figured i would need something new - a new place for ideas and the such - since i am starting my life over in a new town and everything - this really gives me a chance to tell about my new life in a new setting - of course there will be some appearences from kids of yore - they are all still around - but i just wanted something new - in other news i have successfully completed my first week at the boys and girls home - and might i say that it has been an interesting one - i have fallen asleep in training numerous times - it really gets old though - when you are reading about theraputic problem solving and getting lectured to by a man whose voice sounds like a knife slicing warm butter - ya - who won't fall asleep - but today we actually had sort of an activity day - we leard how to take people down - using purely theraputic ways of course - not we don't talk them to the ground - although i have known some people who could talk someone out of their clothes - we use simple little movements and physical techniques to do it - it rocks - i can't wait to use it on a friend of mine!!!
Thursday, June 05, 2003
OF THINGS TO COME AND GO - AND NEW LOOK COULD CHANGE THINGS AROUND FOR A PERSON
for those of you who believed that - like i would change what is my already pleasantly sunshine and flowers outlook on life - ha ha ha for those of you who believed that - well i am not sure what to say - you need to read this more - cause i am nothing like sunshine - i perfer darkness - it hides me better - and flowers are all nice as house decorations and all - but i am not flowery - unless you count thissels as flowers - there is something new on the horizon
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