debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Sunday, November 30, 2003
IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE, BUT GIVE ME SIXTY
- - - ! - - - thank god this day and weekend is over in less then two hours - i am so tired of working - i feel like i could just scream if i get asked on more time "why can't i" - oh man - it has been a long day - speaking of long days - i was at miss llew's site today and it seems as though she has worked one hell of a day too - ugh - i understand - i understand - i don't think there is anything that anyone could do or offer me to get me to come into work tomorrow - it is beyond money and even days off now - i need a vacation from the kids - just a day is good - i just need to re-group and get my mind straigh again - bad -
DOUBLE HEADER because i am incredably stupid or insanely smart - which yet i have not figured out - i have taken the entire working weekend at my job and am working it - that is roughly 30 hours our of 48 at work - oh the perrils of the office - which in my case the office is a 10 bed youth shelter - and not the fun kind of shelter either - it is a shelter for troubled kids - so more of less - i could get assulted at any moment - yeah for me - last night i had a pretty good night - the kids were good for most of the day and and didn't have much of a problem at al - mostly it was stupid petty squabling and bickering - we had lots of tattle-tales and everyone wanted to confront someone on something - i think i even got confronted yesterday - which is not something that is not supposed to happen - but we did have some fun - i made some latkas with acouple of the kids for super - they all thought it was very fun and somewhat amusing that we were making a traditional jewish food for super - but i also had kids who thought it was fish and would not touch it - creepy gross but - yeah - like i would cook some fish for anyone - no way - but overall the latkas were a big hit and i almost even started a grease fire - so yeah me - i am sure that would have gone over well with everyone having to evacuate for the fire - hehehe but here i am now - today - on day two of the double header - ick - this sucks so much - i really wish i was still sleeping at the boyfriends house - it would be so much nicer to be laying next to him then to be sitting in this uncomfortable chair that i am in now - well for now i only have about 13 hours left! -
Thursday, November 27, 2003
IT'S MY LIFE
- - - - * - - - - about one year ago - i was home for thanksgiving with my friend christopher from ames - we decided to go out in the city and see what was going on - we went to a very lane ass house party and then we decided to go and find the bars - we headed downtown to hit 4th street but instead went to a new bar that had opened up about a month prior - as we went into the bar i looked up at the bar and saw this guy sitting there - i told christopher that the guy was amazing and that i was gonna talk to him tonight - christopher immedieatly laughed at me cause i am so introverted that i can barely talk to myself sometimes - but fate had it - a friend of the guy came over and spoke with my friend and then introduced us - - - - - * - - - - so last night i had something to give him - i had gone out about two weeks before and i purchesed a nice id bracelet for him and had it inscribed with the date that i had met him on the outside and some little thing on the inside - i didn't know if he would actually wear it alot - or even at all - but i wanted to get him something that was good and to show him what i think - and truthfully - i know i didn't have to get him anything - i could have just given him myself - which would be hard to wrap up in a bow i think - but none the less - he has told me before not to get him things - and yeah - i know i don't have to get him things to show i love him - but more so - i want to do it for him - i want to do it - i like to do it - i love to do it - to see him - give me the look he does - and tell me that he is gonna kick my ass for it - its all worth it - it means everything - so last night we went out - and stoped at a whole bunch of bars in town - westside, uptown and downtown - all over the place - about 8 bars in total i think - it was good and fun - rebakkah clitorus, the boy and myself - it was cheep drinks and bar fights all around - we saw beautiful schlitz stained glass lights and listened to tammy winette singing about "standing by your man" - all in all i had a wonderful evening - even better then i had imagined it would be - but after the last bar and at 1:45 a.m. - i went with the boy back to his house and gave him what i had gotten him - does he like it? - - - yeah i would say that he likes it - he'll probably always say i shouldn't have gotten it - but i wanted to - cause he is the best thing -
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
MMMMMM.....COFFEE AND COMMENTS
i received this in my email the other day and thought it was the perfect after dinner mint that i have been missing in my life -
Monday, November 24, 2003
SNOW FELL LIKE ASH FROM A BURNING HOUSE
so i spend the first half of my day doing logging - the kids are all running around so i banish them to their rooms so i can get cought up on work - this enforth sets them off and they begin to freak out in their rooms - you'd think they were watching glitter as much as they were freakign out - so after my shift partners and i give them a little talking to about respect and common decency towards others - to which some responded - 'i do what i want - what ever' - - suddenly i am having visuals of eric cartmen from TV's South Park in a hot pink halter and fishnet stockings saying the exact same thing - i laughed so hard - but everyone has something they do at work that they are not proud of - and mine today was during goals group - which could be the most important group we do with the boys - a client said his goal was to get along with his peers and not argue - and as the group of 8 boys listens to the client quietly - i hear the title of the goal and i blurted out about three little laughs before i could muffel myself - the reason being - he argued with every single person in there today - including staff - it was too funny to me to hear the goal at that point in time - and i just started laughing - if that makes me a bad person - whatever i am a good person for even working there - yeah i'll give myself a pat on the back - hehehe - so the day ends eventful - it was snowing like hell and blowing like hell all day - the snow has since subsided - but the wind is stull blowing like a cheep whore - so its cold as hell outside - about -5 with the windshere i think - oh bother - so i go home and try to call the boy tonight - he picks up but is out at the moment so i will stay at my house tonight - its ok - i haven't been here in sometime so it will be good for me to clean it i think - so i do clean it and pick it all up and get it nice and tidy - i go to bed here and all of a sudden at 3:30 in the morning - beep - beep followed by a large and very loud grinding sound - oh goody they are plowing the streets infront of the building now - errrrr........... hence why i started this post at 3:30 in the morning - but anyway - i think i may try to get back to sleep now - i have class tomorrow and work - again - god will it ever stop - - - - no it won't bring on thanksgiving break
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
NEW AND EXCITING FRESH SCENT so i am putting up the new pictures as of today and tomorrow - the link is up but i am still adding some text - so look to see them completed by tonight - as for right now i need to get moving to work - there is no rest for the wicked at all ....one other thing - it's coming up upon a year since i met my man - how exciting - i am trying to plan something to do for the ocassion - which falls around thanksgiving - not quite sure what to do - so leave me some suggestions on what i can do to make it great - i have some ideas - but always welcome outside input - thanks -
Saturday, November 15, 2003
COLD DEVIL
it was a wonderfully gloomy day outside - gray skies and dark ripples in the air - it was a beautiful mellancollic day - and i spent it inside all day - sick -
HERE I DREAMT I WAS AN ARCHITECT…
more so - I would rather be in nebraska - sitting around on beige carpet watching television and being called a hooker - as it would most probably be - but that’s fine with me - cause that is where I would prefer to be - or maybe on the couch - resting with the fleece blanket with polar bears and penguins on it - watching tlc or headline news - trying to figure out what I have missed in the past week I worked - I would rather be there - in an apartment in nebraska sitting on beige carpet then anywhere else in the world - it’s a new thing - really - wanting and knowing that I should be somewhere - somewhere else then where I am - sitting by myself alone in my apt - I should be in another apartment - not more then 10 minutes away - with someone - there is really nothing for me in my apartment - nothing here - but me - there is something for me across the river - I read and I write about it - every night - and I read it all over again - today while I was cleaning I came upon and read my old journals - all the things in there about not being happy in ames - about being by myself - living alone and not having anyone to come home to - but also there were times when I was with someone in college and I was still unhappy - I had someone to come home to and it was not good for me - but now I know I have finally found the person I want to come home to everyday - I want to come home and find him napping in bed so I can come into the house and climb in with him - I want it all to be right - and I think that it can be right -I know it is right - its something that is completely within our reach - I keep being told every so often - that what I want is a fairy tale - that what I want is just a figment of my imagination - that having a house with a dog and having me and my boyfriend living there is not realistic - and you know - living where we live - it might not be realistic - but I am willing to give it a shot - I want to give it a shot - I do want it - so what really has brought all this upon - I have suddenly gone and went nuts about things - well the truth of it is - I am coming up upon having known my boyfriend for one year - it will soon be one year since I fatefully met him in a bar - oh i know that sounds so seedy - meeting someone in a bar - but it is the truth - that is where we met - and since then we have gone through some troubling times - most impart to do with me and my problems of not completely fessing up with things and shading around details - I am amazed he has stayed with me this long - and I thank god that he has - most people wouldn't have put up with that shit - but he did and has - thank you for that - things are well now - and I am looking forward for them to be like this for some time - forever hopefully - I'm looking forward to being with him - everyday I wake up all I want to do is to see him - he is the best thing I have ever found - and I hope he knows this - I love him so much -
Thursday, November 06, 2003
a quick little thought....
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
A LOST TIME IN CAMELOT
so we were at the bar on halloween - and i was dressed up as a dead JFK and my friend {the wonderful miss rabekkah clitorus} was my jackie - well things were going well and i was getting drunk - i had gotten there early after forgetting that i was supposed to take the mr. man out to eat that night - he was understanding but i still felt like shit about it - i had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep the night before cause i was up making the jacki-o outfit for the last 11 hours - so i was there - bloody mess and all - i had blood all over the back of my head and i looked like i had been shot in the front and exited in the back - {i will have pictures up soon} - problem was that i was running around - half drunk and not paying attention to the person i should be seeing - well it wasn't even about paying attention - i was giving no attention to him - or even really acknowledging that he was there - at one point in time i was getting pictures with all the kids i know and didn't get one with him - he sould be rightfully mad about that - and then i was chatting it up with my shift partner nicole - and didn't invite him over or introduce her to him - scared as i was though - cause i don't know what she would say - to me having a boyfriend that is - yes - i understand that she was in a gay bar and that it probably means that she is ok with it - but still i have to work with her and i want to be dead sure that everything would be fine - we the costume contest took place and the dead JFK and Jackie costume we had on won best costume by vote of the audience - it was pretty funny - everyone was really excited and seemed to like the costumes a lot - i should hope so considering we spent so much time on them - so we split $250 bucks and i got a shirt from the bar - which considering is an x-large - i am not sure what i am going to do with it yet - after the contest we got some pictures cause the owner wanted some and i got some with other contestents and performers - i bought some drinks for the second runner up and the owner and my costume partner - and got more drunk - so we got into a little fight there about how i was not talking to him at all - which i wasn't - i take responsability for it - i was just letting him sit - and i don't know why - we argued about a whole bunch of little things and big things - mostly why things were happening - he left and i went and got my stuff to leave - i was pretty far gone at this point in time - about 6 drinks - a car bomb - a jeager bomb - two 'unknown' shots - and two jeager shots - did me in well - so as i go to leave and talk to the owner real quick - i get a drink - from the end of the bar - ann marie says its from your guy - i looked and said who - and she replied that it was from the him - i couldn't see him at the end of the bar - but she varafied that it was from my boyfriend - so i sent him a shot of blue island pucker back with my last butenier flower - and decided to leave - he cought me in the parking lot - i was gonna walk home but he insisted on driving me - i didn't want him to since his car is so clean and i was oozing blood down my back - but he put me in the car and took me home - we argued a bit there and i took a shower to get the blood off - at this point in time he left to go get my car - i didn't realize this and called him and asked him where the hell he went - he said he was out - i got pissed and hung up - remember that i was drunk here - cause i was really drunk - really really drunk - so i get cleaned up and he shows up at my place - again - he puts me to bed and i am passed out - the next morning i wake up to find him cleaning my apt and just getting my mess picked up from the other night - i felt bad - in more ways then one let me tell you - and we talked a bit - he teased me about the previous night - yes i was out of control - and yes i am paying for it now - ugh - it was not a good morning for me - but i did enjoy it that he stayed with me and took care of me at that point in time - thanks kido - i know this is quite a hodge podge of things in this entry - its probably quite hard to read and to follow - i may try to clean it up later if i have some time - but i am going to get the pics up here soon - that is for sure -
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