debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Sunday, October 26, 2003
AND WHEN THE CASKET CLOSES...WHAT REMAINS INSIDE
we first came into the church and walked up the set of tall stairs they had a display of pictures of when he was born - apparently they only had those pictures - but you can't blame them - he was only 3 months - people take photos - but who does a lot thinking i need them incase this person dies - no one does that - no one thinks that someone will die at any moment - never - so we stood and looked at the photos - all of us were silent - this is the first time i had ever know a baby to die first hand - i have heard about it before and seen it on television - but never seen it in person - next to the photo board was this shoebox size white box - truthfully - it was simple looking - nothing fancy so i really didn't think it was the coffin - but it was - at first glance - i thought - oh they didn't get the baby and there is a doll in here - so i don't like to cry - i try not to cry alot - sometimes though i get really choked up
i don't even know how to describe it - its almost beyond description - it looked so inhuman - not even close to it once being a living breathing person - it looked like plastic - like it was fake - oh god - i about lost it - i didn't know what to think - I was taken back by a flood of emotions while staring at this poor child - and it has stricken me with a new sense of urgency which persists even now - I say this because sometimes thing can fade - an emotion - while powerful and mesmerizing at the moment can fade into obscurity in a day or so - but this ideal - this feeling - has stayed with me for a good week now - and I keep being reminded of it daily - how important it is to live life and to do the things you want - as I stared at this child - this poor - in essence - shell of tissue - I thought about all the things it will never be able to do - as in get a 1st birthday - have a tricycle - go on a date - get his drivers license - become a man - find a love - all the things that I take for granted in my pathetic life - everything that I do and not pay attention to do - this soul will not get a chance to do - there will never be a him anymore - its hard to think about - but I asked myself this question while I was starting blankly at the child what am I doing in my life… not so much as what is going on today, or tomorrow - but what the hell am I doing - am I doing everything that I want - it was best said in the shawshank redemption when morgan freemans character said get busy livin or get busy dyin guess its my time to die -
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Friday, October 17, 2003
...AND NOTHING TURNED ITSELF INTO SOMETHING
Thursday, October 16, 2003
A CREATIVE WAY OF DROWNING YOURSELF
but if you are just figuring that out and you have been reading this for a while then you need to buy a clue somewhere - really there is no need for me to tell anyone that i have issues cause everyone should know that i have giant issues - and i do - but lately there has been me and the issue - and i can't do anything about the issue - so instead of me sitting around and worrying about it - i am out drinking - and heavily i might add - while i know this is stupid - and that i really is of no help to me and my present situation - the only thing that i can say is that i never mean to get drunk - but it always happens - take last night for example - so i was going to watch romy and michelles with a friend - and we decieded to get some food and drinks too - so i pick out a nice bottle of chianti gabianno and intended to drink about half of it and have a relaxing evening - so as i am sitting around watching the movie i drink about half the bottle quickly - not so good for me - cause then i wanted more - so i get persuaded into doing shots of rupelminze with my friend - double shots - about three total - so then i am done in - but continue to finish my bottle of wine i felt like hell last night - the room was spinning and everything was not fun - it was a very bad evening for me - well - i take that back - it was fun - but did not turn out the way i intended it too - perhaps i need some help
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
SAT AROUND DOING NOTHING
its my own fault for not actually getting a hold of him and leaving a message on his voice mail - i should have known better - and now i am stupid for doing this tonight - thinking that if i left a message he might show up - its my own damn fault i sat there for as long as i did and got drunk off the pitcher - and damn the cubs lost!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
PLEASE ADMINISTER 100MG PRN DAILY
but i try to not think about it all - and its hard - i am not starting my week off from work - and i would especially want to spend it with him - but here i am - not with him - because of..... - well i am not sure the reason - he thinks i am cheating on him with someone else - which is further from the case - i don't even want anyone else - all i want it so sit with him on the floor - me behind him - propped up on the couch and him sitting in front of me laying back on me - watching afternoon television - my arms around him - there doesn't even have to be any speaking - cause sometimes silence is speaks volumes - i would love to have this happen - it is a dream - as so many other things were dreams with him and he slowly turned them into a reality for me - as i tried to do for him - but i have gotten to close and now i am pushed away - but what am i to do now - i really don't know - i try so hard all the time to get through to him that he has nothing to worry aout cause he is the best thing that has happened to me - but it never works - i am not sure if there is anything i could do to show him - but it is the truth - he is all i want and i would be the luckiest man in the world if i could be with him for the rest of my life - he knows this - and i think he thinks the same thing - but then there it is again...... fear it keeps us back - it always stands in the way - the fear of me not coming back - my fear of losing him - our fears - they are always there and they will probably always will be there - but it doesn't matter i will wait for him no matter now long i have to - and you know this -
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
OBSTACLE #1
if i wouldn't have left would things be like they are now? i find it hard to get an answer to this question and i really don't know what to think - i dont get calls anymore - i think i am alone again - althought - he said once that he sees us haveing a fight and then getting back together again - constantly - for as long as we want to do it - so i hope - i really hope that we will - i love him - and i hate that we are apart right now - especially cause i think that we should be together - for all things certian - i love him - and i know that he has feelings for me - i wish we could be together now - i want to be with him - i want to go to bed knowing that he is beside me - sleeping and that i am there for him - if he needs me or wants me - that i am there beside him - maybe i am asking too much - but i hope not - but right now there is something in the way - an obstacle if you will - something is stoppiong me from him - and letting me atleast be around what i want i would like to know what it is - for i sit around everyday thinking i have killed my life that i want - and i don't know what i did -
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