debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Friday, May 30, 2003
A CHANGE OF VENUE WOULD DO YOU GOOD...TAKE MY ADVICE...RUN AWAY
so what has spurned this sudden change in scenery? - funny you should ask - well i am now officially graduated from iowa state university with a double major in psychology and sociology - and i did it all in under seven years!!! - haha - no i did it in five years - but two of those years were spent in graphic design and public relations - those didn't work out so well - but speaking of graduating.....i just received my diploma in the mail today from the uni and how weird - it looks exactly like my fathers - who also graduated from isu for those of you who are not up to speed on your mr. don lord trivia - except his says something a long the lines of it being given out 'on this day of the lord' in blah blah year and day - and mine does not say year of the lord - we have too many religions now to do that - oh a P.C. nightmare if we did do that - and isu does not need anymore bad publicity (see larry eustacy for more info about bad publicity) - but it was completely comical to us since my last name is lord - makes it sound like it was our day - hmmm.......what a nice thought - we laughed a bit till we realized that we it was sad and we stopped - so i am now graduated - and as an added bonus in the scotts life is getting better game show - i also have received a job offer at the boys and girls home in sioux city - which i took - my main duties will include talking to kids and monotering then from 2 to 11 at night - no early mornings for me!! - so now i am back to start a new chapter in my life - oh did i also mention that i have a psudeo boy here - ya - we met on the day before thanksgiving and it was what could be described as love at first sight - it was just intense - well he is a complete sweet kid and i do really like him so much - i know he likes me - but there are some issues to deal with before we get into anything - but who knows what will happen - maybe it will be goody - maybe it won't be good - but i will try my best to make it work and i am completely commited to him - oh love - it is such a pain in the ass - he puts up a hard demener but once you get inside - he is just a teady bear - love that kid - but in recap so here i am - i am now living in : sloan, iowa - population : about 1000 - give or take 100 Family? : yes there are lots of them around here - some good, some bad (like felony bad) Friends? : yes there are some great friends - High School Problems? : oh god it seems my whole graduating class from high school still lives here, and have done nothing with their lives - oh i cant wait to talk to some of them!!! Overall : i am not sure - there are deffinetly some amazing prospects (the boy) and there are also some other problems - but i think that everything will be just fine - - just fine -
Monday, May 26, 2003
I SHOULD BE FILLED WITH HOPE AND LOVE BUT ALL I FEEL IS SADNESS
but then on the way home and today - jen asks me somethings that i have been thinking about for some time now - what if we aren't going to be together - what if i get back there and he says no - or something worse - god only knows what he is thinking - i have no idea - i know he has said in the past that he likes me a lot - but things have happened and i don't know if that jepordizes anything - but it probably has - it just kills me because - i know he is scared to death of things happening and getting worse - he is so scared that things will get worse or that things will be bad - that i will leave him - when i won't - oh hell - who knows what is going to happen - i really have no idea - i guess i will just go with the flow -
Friday, May 23, 2003
GOOD DAY FOR A WHITE WEDDING - AND POSSIBLY SOME SNOGGING
also - a huge step in the right direction - the boy is letting jennifer and myself stay at his house one night - that is so amazingly kind - i am so indebt to this kid - and he knows it too - he keeps doing these amazing things for me - and all i have done is treat him like crap in the past - oh - man - i am so in love with this guy - - i would do anything for him - i hope he knows that - i think he does - such a sweetie -
Monday, May 19, 2003
STARTING OVER WITH A LITTLE HELP
A HOUSE
but then last night i found i was missing my outlaw star videos - it would not be so bad if they were only 20 a peice - but i paid $50 bucksfor each one and i had three - so i am missing a large amount of money here - it is just troubling that i can be missing those and i am not sure what happened to them at all - they just disappeared in the house somewhere - but still i wouldn't have accused him - but.... on wednesday of last week i got back from seeing X2 with elizabeth and we wanted to watch thirteen ghosts which we thought that my ex had packed up - well we looked in some boxes he had in the stacked in the dinning room and we found a cook book of mine that he apparently thought was one that his mother had given to him - that i am not mad about - what pisses me off is that he tried to take some magazines of mine - i get bon appitet monthly from my aunt as a renewing christmas gift - well i found six of the magazines in his box - he was trying to take off with them - it is just the point that he knew they were mine and he tried to steal them - he knew they were mine - so then this raises my doubts about other things - if he knew the magazines were mine and knowingly took them - why wouldn't he do that for some dvds he wanted - it just makes me wonder - and think - well he granted me the oppertunity to look through the boxes and i did - there were some questionable cook books - well one that i thought was mine - but to avoid other problems with my ex - i just left that - i wanted to look inside his truck but he then threw a fit - screaming that i was on a witch hunt and accusing him of everything i have missplaced - to me this is a logical demand - he had two and a half hours to hide something if he needed to - why not just let me do it so he can exhonerate himself - make me look like the idiot - instead - it made him look like he has something to hide - when he flew off the handle and started yelling saying i couldn't get into his truck - cause i was being irrational - i am missing $180 worth of dvds - if he was missing them - we would all have to bend over backwards to find them - this is just one of the most frustrating things i have delt with in the last few weeks - he is completely uncooperative about things - and only when i start to take away things - like the unsupervised passing access to my room for any reason (the shower is in my room) - that he becomes passive - when things suit him or when he needs something - he becomes compliant - it is the way he is - and i am done dealing with it - i am not sure where my things are - or what has happened to them - but whatever has happened - things are not right around the house
Friday, May 16, 2003
A STRANGE WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS
so this should be interesting since i am going to be moving here in about two weeks to see what is going to be happening - i really need to get this job and that would give me some much needed income - i also need money so i can get a place in the city - i think i am going to go through this one buy where i just have to rent monthly - my friend jamie used to know him and she said that he didn't have contracts and it was all monthly renting - sounds great - cause who knows where i will be in a year - here - or back in college somewhere? - i do not know - wish i did though - i would like to be here person permiting - but i am not sure if that is going to work out for me and him - also tonight i am going to go out with the kids from sioux city and celebrate my graduating from college - i think it should be quite a lot of fun - well it will probably involve me getting rip roaring drunk and so on - but when is that not in a party itinerary? - so this evening should be quite fun - i also had a heart to heart with the boy last night - i think it was well received - i am not sure his response to everything - but he is still talking to me so that is a good sign right? - i think things will be fine between us - i am not sure exactly what is happening - but maybe tonight i will see something more - it can only get better from here -
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
BEEN A LONG TIME
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER I THINK IT WAS A GREAT GRADUATION PARTY - OR IS THAT WHY IT WAS GREAT?
pre-party dinner and hotel exchange we left ames at about 4:45 to go out to eat and them hit the hotel room and then the party a 7:00 - well i was some sort of a stupid genius - because i figured we could eat at olive garden - right - like hell we could and still make it there on time - and also - it was prom weekend! - wow there were people sitting around outside of the resturant - so no way - we decided that we would go and eat some fast food - so we drove around for a bit and finally found a wendey's - we made the order as difficult as possible for our worker who seemed to be a bit razzled that there we more then just one single order - oh well - i felt bad for a second - hehe - and after that we quickly drove off to the hotel - in which we encountered another problem - apparently the bitch of the girl who was clearly demonstrating her power - or shoudl i say what power she thought she had - so at 6:30 i was franticaly calling my parents to ok the use of their credit card - even thought they had already called and got the room a few nights ago - sadly enough it toke a lot of time that i didn't have to spare and make the woman behind the counter seem like a complete bitch - she kept saying - oh it is just for security - yes i am sure it is - which is why my friend jen could have gone outside and called them pretending to be my mom if she wanted to - bitch - anyway we finally got into our hotel room and got to eat something - we then got dressed for the evening - it was pretty ammusing getting ready - all the girls running around spritzing and schlacking everything into place - we finally got to the bar around 7:30 - casually late for my own party - a night at the garden so
and then it gets fuzzy so ya - remember some of the night - deffinetly not all of it -
Monday, May 05, 2003
IT'S LIKE I AM WATCHING A DREAM I CAN'T WAKE FROM
i am upset because it seems as though i a getting taken dicked here - i read the part about the ex seeing some photos of him - and i quote...'but i saw a couple pictures' - and where would he see those pictures - oh i am not sure - the only photos i have of him are (a) on my computer and (b) in three rolls of film - and one other photo floating around here - so may i ask - praytell where on earth did he say he found some pictures - he told me to do an internet search-cause i would be surprised what is on there when i can tell him right back that i have done internet searches cause when i was trying to get a photo of him in the first place i did that alot - and i got nothing - so i know better then that - it is completely the most retarted thing i have ever heard of his mouth - i know what has happened - and for him to sit there and lie right to my face is fine - because i am tired of it - and for this to happen and for him to be this way about everything is competely petty and demeaning and beyond childish - there is no other way - and there is no other possability - what has happened is what has happened - and all i can do is say that actions are for reasons - there is a reason for everything - my reasons for confrontation are to say for you to not do it again - your reasons for your actions are done and all i can say is i hope you got what you were looking for - there will never be another interaction that i will not regret what life i have wasted - - if i could make a list - of my mistakes and regrets -
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