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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
THE HUM OF THE REFRIDGERATOR KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT - AND THE SORROW OF A DAY KEEPS ME THINKING
- on sort of a messed up day is when i will write this - tomorrow at this time i will be returning from a funeral of a friend - whom as of two weeks ago was in my house attending a party - and as of two days ago - decided to exit this world - i am not sure what to think of this yet - as i was just home for the weekend trying to settle a problem of my own - but i do feel incredibly selfish for thinking only of my problems when others out there have had such worse other - but still i had to go home to do this - but to talk of what happened - i went home on thursday because i had to deal with a sitation that had sprung up a week earlier - i will not go into a discussion of what happened but you can read about it at this side of paradise - anway - i spent quite a weekend at home - i did get something accomplished between me and the boy - something that i hopefully wish will be good as new again - althought i highly doubt that at this point in time he will openly get back togeather with me - and i do not blame him really - how can i - i let something go and a person in my life decided that he wanted to enter the relationship - and he but a destructive blow on the person that i love - i can't really say much about this - only that i am sorry - things this week have been - confusing - i feel as even though i made huge strides this weekend - we will not be togeather - and couple this what happened this weekend and what i learned about on monday morning - and things have been not good - just not happy - i have a funeral to go to tomorrow - this was much unexpected -
posted by Scott at 2/25/2003 04:26:00 PM
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
when things go form worse to non-existant
i think that i have lost the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with - i think that i may have lost another true chance at happiness - i can't seem to do anything right here in this relationship - of lack there of i guess - i am not really sure what i am doing - if i am coming or going - if i am staying - or if i am even dying - i can't tell anything anymore - things are a haze of constant darkness and i think tha in some way i am slowly killing myself - because i keep wanting to go home and see him - because i keep wanting to go home and sleep with him - to feel him beside me - to see him - to know that for the night i have him - and that i will always have him - i can't and don't want to think about my life without him - when i do i feel like i want to die - i feel like i want to kill myself - i don't even want to think about life without him - cause right now - he is all i think about - he is the only thing that matters to me at all - nothing else matters - nothing else in my life matters right now but that boy and how he is doing - i miss him - i miss him all the time -
posted by Scott at 2/18/2003 12:24:00 AM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
when it all comes down to it - why do i even try to love?
it is stupid to continue this and try to do things like this - i am not one to be in love or for that matter let people love me - i have let one person love me - and it has truned from something great into something scary - i am not sure how to handle this anymore - i feel as if i will not be able to handle this - it seems as even though through all that myself and this man have been through - him breaking up with me - him sleeping with my roommate - then my loud and horrible response to that - numerous fights and then my finding somone new - and his dating around - he never got the idea that we would not get back togeather - i admit i did tell him that i saw myself with him in the future - but for fucks sake - if he can date around why can't i - that is the reason for our recent two day tirade - i have a person who would like to come down to the party and stay with me for a couple days - a sweetie really for he doesn't get many days off work - so i felt rather lucky to have him offer such a thing - but my ex won't allow it - throwing such major tantrums as - i will move out if he is here - or the very nice - i just won't be able to take it at all - oh no i can't even think of it without me getting sick - yet he can date himself and do whatever the hell he wants with boys - i am not sure here but i believe it is a double standard and i should not have to put up with it - i am not a bad perosn - i should be able to have and do what i like - and for him to come accross with utterly immpossible demands as 'he can come to the party but not into the house' is rediculous and childish - i am at the point right now where i am conflicted between wanting to never talk to him again - and trying to help him with whatever his problem is - and the more this happens the more i want to just leave his ass behind - i can't really deal with this very much - he is trying to limit my life in certian areas so that he can still have a chance - and while i would admit that perhaps in the future there is a chance for something to happen - i mean i don't hate the kid - we just don't get along very well - this trantrum he is pulling is stupid and not very good for my well being - i can't idliy sit by and let him do this to me without me putting up a fight - and when i do he gets all sad and freaks out knowing damn well that i will tear myself up when i see what i have done - there is not much i can do but go with what he says - what other options do i have - nothing - i have nothing - i am nothing who has nothing and that is final - there is nothing i can do to stop this - he controls me and that is final - so i guess i am at his mercy -
posted by Scott at 2/15/2003 12:33:00 PM
Friday, February 07, 2003
i have a problem - i am sitting in my room watch TRL for lack of a better reason then i can't find the remote and am too lazy to get up and change it myself - but anyway - so i just got done watching the video 'anthum' from the band good charlotte - and i am completely confused - since when did those poor little whimpy kids in the band good charlotte become punk rockers - if i remember right all the way back to the first video or song that was released 'little things' it wasn't really punk nor was it good - they seemed to be riding that stupid neuvo punk movement - i mean just because you can write a catchy punk song with three chords and a stupid chorus doesn't mean anything - and then they put this new album out - oh my god - kids - what are you thinking - just cause it is shinny doesn't mean we have to play with it does it - they are nothing - there is no real punk quality to them - i guess you can call me old school - but i thought punk rock was like jawbreaker, fugazi, the ramones, husker du and the replacements - who not only had a genuine punk rock sound - but had an attitude to go along with it - no it was not a fuck you attitude - although at times it was - it was more of a general no concern for the mainstream - we do what we want - kind of attitude - who cares if we get famous - this is what we love to do - when as we see today - good charlotte just seems to be all about the exposure - i mean hosting a rock show on MTV - and then wearing all the black clothing and make up - who the hell does that guy think he is - let me tell you off right now - you are no mike ness (singer and songwriter for phenominal punk act social distortion- so get over it - so stop wearing the eyeliner - fucking please - and the spikey hair - ya right - jesus christ - no way in hell am i buying that shit - just stop it now - punk is not clothing - punk is not a fashion - punk is a way of life - it is a attitude that you have and you don't absolutely don't throw it around sid viscious style - good charlotte is one of the worst bands i have ever heard and i seriously wish they would stop there 'new punk meets boy band' asthetic immedietly - i mean come on - have you seen the 'anthum' video - you can't tell me that those background stand ins didn't want to beat the living shit out of those little snot nosed kids - playing up there lifestyle and making it something cool and trendy - oh god - i need to stop this cause i am rambling now - but anyway - just so you all know - good charlotte is the worst band in the world - they are a bunch of punk posers and i wish they would stop playing up the fact that they are 'punk' - TRUE PUNKS NEVER USE THE WORD PUNK' - remember that - oh they make me so mad -
posted by Scott at 2/07/2003 03:52:00 PM
i was out last night - getting trashed - and i feel surprising not better at all - i hate this - being this way - i feel completely stupid and dumb - why does this continue to happen - something happens and my life falls apart - and i fall apart - it is stupid - oh well - i guess there is not much i can do - oh well - people are treating me like crap and it is weird - but i always get treated like crap at times - but the main problem is that i have lost soemthing - and no one cares - it had to be done - that is debateable - but now that it is done - i am not going back - even though i still think certian things - i don't think i want to again - do that - with anyone - i am done with everything that has to do with boys - why should i not be - they only ruine things all the time - make me sad - and depressed and then it leads to bad things - oh well i guess - time to self medicate -
posted by Scott at 2/07/2003 01:20:00 PM
Thursday, February 06, 2003
i am confused - and i hate my life - the best thing i can do is to go out tonight and party my ass off - to get so drunk that i can't even see striaght and i end up in the gutter - i do not care tonight - i am going out to the wolves and i will not return alive
posted by Scott at 2/06/2003 08:29:00 PM
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
THE STORY IS IN THE SOIL - A WASTELANDS YEAR END 10 BEST ALBUMS
first - i know that the year officially ended a good 30+ days ago - but hey - you can't say you've never gotten waylaid by some possible social and academic workings - but anyway - i have wanted to do this for sometime now - but have never actually gotten around to going through my new acquisitions this year to make a list - but now i have some time so i want to tell you what i thought was the best of 2002 in music
No.10 - The White Stripes - White Blood Cells - a really amazing album - along with the strokes - the white stripes really helped to jump start the ailing rock scene - this album is full of gritty rough songs of love and sadness -
No.9 - Belle and Sebastian - Storytelling - please - they could put out an album of elevator music and it would make the top 10 - the instramentals are gourgous and the new songs are great - 'black and white unite' is the best end of summer song i have heard in a long time
No.8 - …and you will know us by the tail of dead - source tags and codes - just when i was wondering who would take over sonic youths thrown - a brilliantly agressive album - and a live show that kills - really -
No.7 - Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head - beautiful - that is all -
No.6 - The Shins - Oh, Inverted World - great album - the person who introduced me to it told me it sounded just like phish - boy i was glad she was wrong - it is such a great sounding album - i really can't describe it - trust me on this one - great -
No.5 - Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf - the album that saved rock - forget all the shit about the lo-fi garage rock saving rocks ass - the Queens did it with a little help from dave - and thank god dave found rock again in the process - i don't know if i can survive another there is nothing left to lose
No.4 - Badly Drawn Boy - About a Boy - i just actually found this album about two weeks ago - i feel so bad that i didn't have it along time ago - everyone said it was an amazing album - and now i believe them -
No.3 - Sleater-Kinney - one beat - hmmm..... - possibly the best all girl rock album ever - they have finally got their rock back after two ok albums - screaching yet soulful vocals with asskicking rock god guitar heroics - i saw then live and left in a coma -
No.2 - Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights - i looked far and wide for this album for three weeks and finally found it in minneapolis - it is one of the most rippingly depressive albums i have ever heard - i listened to it for over three months straight - annoying most of my roommates and friends - i love it - i completely love it -
No.1 - Bright Eyes - Lifted or The Story Is In The Soil Keep Your Ear To The Ground - all i can say is everytime i hear this album i want to cry - conors stories are filled with pain and love that most everyone can relate to - it can transport you into a specific mood and leave you there until the next - he is a genius - plain and simple -
posted by Scott at 2/04/2003 05:45:00 PM
Monday, February 03, 2003
i am now full into pulling my first all nighter of the semester - it is not that i am not completely ready to do the work that i am asked - it is just that i am so puzzeled by what i have been asked to do - that i can not get it right no matter how many times i do it - i have actually written the assignment twice by now - i have read it to a freind and then tore it apart - twice - i am writing it now for the final and third time - i have decided that i will just have to be satisfied with how it is for myself - i know that it will not be perfect - for the first assignment of the semester - i can not ask for it to be perfect - but i do wish that i knew if i was writing something that will be aproved or completely destroyed - i am now doing graduate work and i do not know if i am capable of it - i guess this is my first and true test of weather i am going to be able to make what i wish to be a future occupation a reality - god i hope it all turns out - give me strenght -
posted by Scott at 2/03/2003 05:53:00 AM
THE SECRETS REVIELED or THE OTHERSIDE OF PARADISE
there is a new site - time to unveil it - the second half of my life - no more secrets - the time has come for everyone to know - take a look - it shouldn't disapoint - it has more sadness in it then a bright eyes ablum! -go to this side of paradise
posted by Scott at 2/03/2003 02:39:00 AM
Sunday, February 02, 2003
go find out which edward gorey book you are! - it is quite interesting that i turned out this way - i mean anyone who knows me knows that i am more then just a bit bitter - i am all the way bitter - even started using that as my last name for a while - please - i think i will actually change my name - i would love to start receiving mail for Mr. S. Bitter -
 Dancing Cats and Neglected Murderesses - You are a bit bitter in some ways about how life has treated you, but you will do anything to change it around...anything!
Which Edward Gorey Book Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
posted by Scott at 2/02/2003 03:04:00 AM
Saturday, February 01, 2003
changes abound - new links to better places then here
posted by Scott at 2/01/2003 09:37:00 PM
THE TRUE LIFE
it seems the worst things can happen to the worst people - this statment seems to make no sense at all right - well i guess i thought that i was a good person - but as it comes to be - i am not as good as i think - things can happen in a person life that make then think about the way they have been living - i guess my day was today - i used to say that i cared about my friends more then anything in the world - but i now know that it is a lie - i can't care about them if i continually hurt them - it is stupid of me to think that i could even say that i care when i do the things i do - i wish someone would have told me a long time ago - i can't believe that i have been living a lie for all this time - i have been thinking that what i do is right - and allthought it can be said that everyone makes mistakes - i don't believe that people who habitually consciously make mistakes can claim that - that they just have bad luck - it doesn't ork that way - just as people who intentionally premedatate and kill people - are not seen as insane - although there are a few people who do make it past the trials and are granted the easy way out - i don't belive that i should be able to anymore - i no longer pretend to be good - cause there is no use - it has been demonstrated to me that i am not the person that i surpose my self to be - it is no reall big surprise that i am not this good - i have thought about it for years now - i am a complete farce - there is nothing good that can come of me - when it goes - the way it goes - i am bad - for all those that get involved - i am bad - nothing ends good - i have not had one good ending experience in the last year of my life - everything is marked in turmoil and tragedy - halloween - nothing short of a huge tragedy - parties at my house - a continual mistake - everything in my life is troubled - i guess that is where i get the name of the page - so smart to call it a bad deal now - cause things are always bad - i sometimes wish that things would be as simple as things were in an earlier time - when you would go and get married and never have to worry about anything - but that is not true either - i guess i am just looking for a way out - it is sad that i think this way - but i guess i have no other way to think - i am aa bad person for what i have done and for what i will always be and do - i can't change that - and i can't change anything else about life - this here would be the part where i say that i am tired of life and that i would rather die then contine on living in it - but i am not going to say it this time - i am here and until i go - i am here - until i decided that i can't possibly go on any longer then i am here with all of you - i am getting close to that point - but i am not there yet - i fear i will be someday though -
posted by Scott at 2/01/2003 06:35:00 PM
- perhaps i can add a picture here for all those looky loos who want to know -
posted by Scott at 2/01/2003 04:46:00 PM
i've never thought of myself as a painter - nor a girl - but i am lazy so i guess this is partially right!
 Lazy Line-Painter Jane.
Which Belle & Sebastian Song Character are You? brought to you by Quizilla
posted by Scott at 2/01/2003 03:30:00 PM
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