debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Thursday, January 30, 2003
THINGS GET WORSE ALL THE TIME it is really ever a surprise that things continue to get worse - i am appauled that things can get worse - but apparently it is possible - so i have been having problems with my car - i have been loving it - telling it is pretty and that she runs wonderfully - but suddenly she starts to throw a fit in my direction - first there is a small problem - she won't let me have my keys back - apparently she wants to keep them - so after much cussing and yelling i get them out - but not only once - basically everytime i turn her on - she wont let me have them - it is getting rather unplesant - i hate yelling at her - but if that wasn't enough - well she has decided that i shouldn't move out of park either - the shifter has gotten a small bug in it and won't let me move it - weird - uh - so i thought that perhaps it would be the same problem - that maybe cause i can't get the keys out that it was her way of saying - no you shouldn't drive me at all! - well i guess not - i took her in to the shop today and i have since gotten a bill for all my worries - $700 - yup - she is costing me seven hundred dollers to get her tempramental ass working again - so now i am out money - all money - what am i going to do - i am so confused - i have no idea what i am going to do - so i guess i really need to start my job search going - i have put out applications and one place is going to start calling back for interviews come monday - but that will be too late - oh hell - when it rains it pours - it really pours - Wednesday, January 29, 2003
i have been working out lately - and i am sore - it is not that i haven't worked out in a long time - i think i am just doing too much there - trying to get too much in too little time - oh well --->on another note - i am starting a page on yahoo so i can post some new information and some pictures - it will be close to this one and quite relative - it will probably be the same information and everything - now with new and imporved pictues of my daily life - oh joy! Tuesday, January 28, 2003
so i have decided that i hate love - well i decided two things today - one that i hate love - it is stupid sappy emotion that ends up screwing everyone over in the future - unless you are one of those unlucky few that make it and find the one - to those people - you make me sick - but the other thing i decided today was that i wish everyday was a holiday - yes it would be stupid - hurried and you would see all those relatives that you dont want to see - but then it would give you a reason to get loaded and cry every night - i mean seriously - why have holidays if not for those reasons - celebrate the birth of who - liberation of what - please...... - all i wanna do is drink and cry at the end of the night for some reason as yet to be determined by which relative that tells me i look fat or asks if i am working out cause it doesn't look like it is working - oh hell - also - i have been making invatations for my black hearts party - i decided that since i am alone and misserable this valentines day - why not celebrate it with the rest of the single looser kids - so let it be known that on the 15th of feb. i am having the first annual - yes i plan to be alone for the rest of my life - BLACK HEARTS PARTY - please dress in all black if you wish to attend and write me for more info - anyone can come - you just all have to be single for that night - so if you can't take that - eh - get lost - Friday, January 24, 2003
so tonight i finally got to see the movie 'about a boy' - and i must say i am plesantly surprised by hugh grants acting skills - i mean who knew that he could pull off a character with such emotion and complex characteristics - i was not aware of this - i mean i saw him in 'bridget jones's diary' - another charming and amazing acheivement in book to movie accomplishments - so anyway - yes the movie 'about a boy' was amazing - i loved it so much - it was fantastic - a completely different movie then what i thought it would be - the whole plot about these two people not knowing what they want - but some how finding it in each other was just quiet honestly - unexpected - especially with a confirmed and unchangable bachlor and a lost diminuative school boy - it is just so good - and the score for the whole thing was done by - of course - badly drawn boy - and it sounds very good - i think i may even run out and buy it tomorrow - or atleast some badly drawn boy cd variation - that would be awesome for me - i keep listening to bright eyes all the time - and speaking of bright eyes - i ran into someone from home again - this girl and i used to be really good friends - and i have totally thought about her alot over time - wondering what she is doing and the such - well i ran into her at the rec tonight - and it was a total shock - but that was so cool - and i am going to call her tomorrow and bring her to troys house - i think - ummm - maybe that would not be sucha good idea - but who knows - things are pretty messed up right now in my head - and i would like to see her again for old times sake - she was a great friend - and i think that we could be again - hell she likes indie rock - right there i have a good friend - ! yes yes yes ! Thursday, January 23, 2003
it's over - it is fucking over - i talked to him today - and i am sad about it - but i think i might have been for the better - i couldn't hav gotten into that - i really don't think it was an option for me - there were some issues - like me not worrying about him - i thought that is what people in relationships did - i thought we worried - i thought we carred about each other - isn't worrying an offshoot of caring - i don't know - i am sad about this - yes and i probably will be for some time now - but i guess it was ment to me - they say true love waits - and i guess it does - well see about this - but i will no longer hold my breath for it - Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Well the future's got me worried Such awful thoughts My head's a carousel of pictures The spinning never stops I just want someone to walk in front And I'll follow the leader Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs I almost forgot who I was But I came to my senses Now I'm trying to be assertive I'm making plans Gonna rise to the occasion yeah Meet all their demands But all I do is just lay in bed And hide under the covers Yeah I know I should be brave But i'm just too afraid of all this change And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt I keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out Working on the record seems pointless now When the world ends who's gonna hear it? But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words Yeah, Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good When we get off tour I think we should Hang and black out together 'Cause I been feeling sentimental for days gone by All the summers singing, drinking, laughin Wasting our time Remember all the songs and the way we smiled In those basements made of music But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all I'm not as strong as I thought So when I'm lost in a crowd I hope that you'll pick me out How I long to be found The grass grew high, I laid down Now I'm waiting for a hand To lift me up, help me stand I've been laying so low Don't wanna lay here no more Don't wanna lay here no more Everything that happens is supposed to be And it's all predetermined can't change your destiny Guess I'll just keep moving Someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going ---------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTHING GETS CROSSED OUT *bright eyes all i have been doping is listening and crying lately - as i am not sure if this will ever stop - i want to say sorry to everyone as a sort of last will - i think i will just say that i really love everyone - there have been so many things done for me by people i can't imagine not having them around at all - they all mean so much to me - from people that i see everyday - to people that i rarely know - everyone has been the best - a part of me has died tonight - the part that will ever go on and love - everyone that i have loved - should know that i am indebted to them for everything they have ever given me - i may not ever be able to love again - and i am not sure if i can ever be loved again - but to everyone - thank you so much - i have loved you so much Monday, January 20, 2003
i can't continue to go on like this - i have decided that i need a change in life - as i am not sure what that change will be - i think that i need to do some serious soul searching as to wether i want to continue on or not - sometimes it is a hard decision - i have been on the brink of disaster before - and i know that people will think that i am being stupid - as do most people when there is talk of the such - but i am not sure - it is a big decision - but after the time that i have had now - i am not sure what i want to do - i have killed myself twice over here - two times i have died from broken hearts - and now i feel that it has died for the last time - both people in my life no longer want me to be at all - sometimes i just don't want to be here anymore - Saturday, January 18, 2003
so it is the weekend - and i am not sure what is going to happen this night - i am supposed to go out with my roomies for ones 21st birthday - well the onyl real problem is that one of the roomies is my x - and he knows some people at the place we are going and it is known that those people think of him romantically - i just don't know - i really don't want to go tonight and see him hitting on anyone - or anyone hitting on him - i really don't know if i am all that level right now - i really don't know if i can take it - otherwise - something interesting has happened - i wrote into sinister and expressed some thoughts i was thinking that we at much bringing me very down - and i got the most wonderful return not from a girl - she and i have since been talking about three times a say now about things - we seem to be experiencing the same thing - and while it is not quite right - it is amazing and so nice to talk with someone about it - something that we can both relate too - she is so wonderful - thank you stine - Thursday, January 16, 2003
denied - last night i was denied - not to do anything special - or anything dirty - i was denied from sleeping with a friend - and i don't mean sleeping you dirty thinking freaks - i mean just laying there - not doing anything but sleeping - it adds a certian sort of comfort - and i talked with the boy and he said that three was nothing against me - and i agree and believe him - there is probably nothing that i did last night that would warent him not wanting to be nice - he just wasnted an alone night - and good for that - he needs one - he deserves it - i have been monopolizing him since i have returned - so i shall give him more space now - which he will say is me ignoring him or something i think - oh well - i think it is doomed no matter what Wednesday, January 15, 2003
as i was left - i was lost - but should i be either of these things - i am not sure - i was left the other day - off to fend for myself - to decided my fate - an outcome that i could choose - and i chose to do nothing - i decided that nothing was better then something - for that was the best way to go - in any case - but especially this one - i decided that i should not look to help my self - but in the end i ended up loosing - getting lost in the shuffel - i couldn't be found - there was comfort added - only after i publicly displayed dissaprovel - but still i was lost - lost in the day - it did not end up like i wanted it to - nor like i thought it would - it ended up a different way - Tuesday, January 14, 2003
so there is something new on mr.t's site - it references me - it's not perhaps the best thing - it doesn't exactly paint a glowing picture of me or anything - but i can't help but feel saddened by this - hmmm - what to say i am not sure - it has been such an eternity since i have posted anything - sadly enough this is due to the sudden lack of internet at my parents house - my god - i didn't know what to think - i was slightly sad on the first day cause i thought - ya - i still have friends in town - so i can see them and talk to them - seriously what is the internet anyway - just a series of sites that i check that give me little glimpses into what other people are doing - most usually people whom i have never met and onyl share a small common interests - usually it is sinister - but on the second day - it got a little weird - i got up and went down to the computer to have my morning look at things - and nothing - there was nothing - the screen started and the computer turned on - but once i tried the internet link - nothing - it only stares at me blankly - then i became unnerved - i called the internet company - got the run around by the super unfriendly secratary - she had quit a bitchy front going on - and i could tell that she didn't really want to be helping me - i am guessing she wouldn't want to do much of anything but sit on her large ass and get fatter - so i got frustraed and hung up on her - i was pissed - so i forgot about the internet and went about my day - i tried to make it work three more times that day - nothing - it wa broken and even more scary was that the next day was saturday - i wouldn't be able to get any sort of help after that - if they couldn't do anything for me when it was a weekday they certianly wouldn't be able to do anything on a weekend - so i called again - but i never got through - i was put on hold - and after a half and hour i gave up - frustrated - extrememly pissed and sad by all the new things i was missing - i tried to call it off by saying that nothing was happening - that i was not really missing anything by not having the internet - but what a joke - all those unread emails piling up and blogs going unread - oh - it was enough to drive me crazy - so i have decided that i need to join a internet withdrawl group - so if there ever does happen again - or if for some ungodly reason a plane that i am on crashed and i am trapped on some deserted island with no reall contact, food or water i will be ok and not crave the cool, icy touch of the internet - Sunday, January 05, 2003
so i am feeling slightly ill tonight - so i am sitting around watching tv - i found something pretty interesting - i have been ever increasingly watching the gilmore girls - a quirky little show about a young woman, her teenage daughter she had out of wedlock as a child herself and her friends and family which are a very interesting mix of rich hoity toity individuals and regualar old towns folk - but anyway - so i was flipping around and i found what is the first episode of the gilmore girls on - it is a sunday - and wow is the guy who is rory's illagitament dad hot or what - he is such a looker - hmmm - ya - this episode is pretty good - it is nothing quite impressive - i really don't know what to think - the episodes now are all good - they have good plots and are very interesting - especially with all the love interests and the characters in the town and the interactions between them - this - and i know that every story needs a beginning - but this one is not quite that good - it is ok - there is good information being provided that does help with the story and how things are or have become what they are now - and interestingly - rory looks very young and immature right now - she looks as if she is twelve - and she is not supposed to be twelve - it is a pretty good show though - but anyway - umm - give me the second season anytime - and if they have made such large improvements in the story from the first season to the second season - i am quite interested in how things will progress into the third and fourth seasons - i feel like such a big looser now - everyone has been telling me about this show for some time now - and my brother has been trying to get me to watch for sometime - everyone says it is so good - and i am now finally starting to watch and like it - - shifting gears now - willy wonka and the chocolate factory is on - this is gonna be a blog of just television critiques - but willy wonka is such a fun fantasy show - it used to scare the crap out of me when i was a child - there was just something about the oompa-loompas - those little orange deamons - they scared the shit out of me - and they are still a little creepy - with those white eyebrows and green hair - just freaking scary - they look like little devils - oh they are on now - scary - little freaky things - just plain freaky - it is wonderful how the movie just destroies the little children - what does that really say - they have all these morals and values - the little songs the oompaloompas sing - lollipop kids rejects - they are just freaks - well last night we went down to the garden - it is a little gay club that we go to about once a month - well mr. t, a girl he knows from work and myself went down - at first i was a little saddened - mainly cause i do not have any money - which meant i couldn't drink - so i let mr. t drink - he was happy about that - and proceeded to get a little drunk - well he got a lot drunk - there was also this guy there - he came with a friend of mr. t's friend - apparently he was there for the first time - he was a cute kid - i wanted to dance with him for a bit - but i think he was staring at mr. t - i am not sure - there were some instances where it would seem that he wanted mr. t - he even followed him off the the bathroom once - at which mr. t returned with a big smile - he knew the guy was checking him out - well we had a good amount of fun - even if i was getting snubbed - actually now thinking about it - when mr. t got back from the bathroom he asked me if any hotties were hitting on me - and he had a big smile on his face - i wonder if something didn't happen - hmmmmm - well i also got to talk to seth - he was very good - it was nice to see him again - it had been a while since i had seen him last - well we talked about how things were going - it was so nice to see him - he seems to be doing well with his boyfriend - which is good to hear - he has had some problems with men in the past - well just that they are stupid, shady or immature - i am so happy for him - he really deserves it - but the weirdest thing that happened all night was when mr. t and i were dancing - there was this woman - middle aged and lonely - standing all by herself in the corner of the dance floor - i had watched her earlier - she was with two gay men and an older man - which i deduced was her husband - he kept dancing on these other women - and she kept walking over and tried unsuccessfully to get him away from them - but anyway - mr.t goes over and grabs her hand and drags her into dance with us - which i at first thought was funny - but then i saw her husband - he was pissed - he pulls her away and they begin to fight - mr. t begins to giggle and we still dance while i watch the fight - so i tell mr. t to back up into the crowd - and we do - but then the guy comes over and begins to dance beside us - right behind me - ! - so i leaned forward and told mr.t that we needed to get the fuck out of there - he really didn't hear me so i yelled at him to leave and walk out through the crowd - so he then got it and we left - the guy looked at us - and we just ran out into the upper floor - mr. t got his friend and i told seth what happened - he said he knew the couple and that they have caused problems before - so we ran out - we got into the car and left - overall it was an excitingly scary night - Friday, January 03, 2003
a correction is in order - what i meant to say was is that i am confused by actions - i know that things were started - and that yes i am to blame for this - but what i guess i do not understand is - is the boy trying to find a new boy? - he has had callers and i believe even a few interests - and yet things happen - i really do not have problems with this - cause again - i believe that it is better that things happen with us then with strangers - it is just safer this way - - so i do not know what to think about mr. t and i - we have been having fun as of late - which is good - i didn't know if we would have much fun anymore - but we are - so excited - but then again - what is going on with us - he seems to want to do other things - i am confused - what has been happening - perhaps he was just so lonely being here all alone and then i got back it went all crazy - or perhaps it was just a thing - who knows - -this is one hell of a night - i feel pretty sick - yet i want to go home - i don't want to drive the two hours though - but if i stay here i will be comfronted with things i was ill last night - very ill - i probably spent most of the night in the bathroom - and i am feeling again the sort - i have this stomach ache and it is not going away - i really can't spend another night like the last one - i will be a complete wreck - my back hurst for some unforseen reason - and i feel like i have just eaten so much food - but i really have not - i just feel so sick - oh god i wish i could just get better or die - this stomach ache thing is so not right - i feel sick all the time - and i think i am getting more puckie - oh god this sucks - Thursday, January 02, 2003
i feel really ill right now - my stomach is completely tied in knots - i am not sure why - but it is so not right - i was supposed to drive home right now - but that is not going to happen at all - i am so sick - ugh - but as of late - i have been sitting around with mr. t and we have been playing video games - it has been really fun - it is so nice to be talking with him again - for a while there i did not know if we were going to be able to be friends at all - which would have been weird - cause he has been such a part of my life for so long - it is nice that we are talking and being friends - it is a good thing - i think as of right now it is too late to really drive home - it is almost five o'clock - if i leave now i will get home at - um eight - and that is almost the whole night spent - so i think i am just gonna stay here regardless of how i feel - i will leave tomorrow morning - around noon - that sounds good - yes - plus it also gives me and mr. t more time to play the game - that is if he doesn't go out with some new boy - he has been talking to new boys lately - right around me - and that is good - it is a little wierd for me to hear him talk about some guy or even talk to someone on line next to me - it is just different cause i know that there is something there - some reason - but then again - i have done it too - so i guess i have nothing to talk about - but still it is a little wierd - it just seems like a strange thing - but there is nothing i can do about this - ok no more things - he is able and should be able to do what he likes - i have no say in it - but that is fine - ok - ok - ok - ok - ok - Wednesday, January 01, 2003
¡¡¡¡¡ HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!! so it is the new year and things will be quite interesting this year - this will finally be the year that i graduate from school - and then i will move on to more school - ya - *silent cheer for myself* - i am such a looser - but anyway - i think things will be good - new school should be fun and i really like learning - again i am a looser - so what is new - everyone knows this - so last night i sat around with mr.t and watched some movies and then the central time zone countdown on conan - that was fun - i got pretty drunk last night - i had a bottle of wine - and then two whiskey sours and then half a bottle of chanmpagne - that was very tasty - and i only slightly felt sick after that - so all in all it was a good time - now on to what counts - new years resolutions - yes - the proposed life changes that everyone makes and three of us keep - but this year i have a head start - i have decided for one to quit smoking - and i did - well i quit on thanksgiving actually - but i have decided that i will stay done - no more cigerrettes - i caved last weekend and had one cause i was completely stressed out - but no more - i am done for good - yup - *cheer for myself* - man i suck - i need to get a life - perhaps i will play some playstation - *hehehe* |
