debate exposes doubt |
|
|
what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
|
Saturday, December 27, 2003
A NEW DAY, AN EARLY DAWN
i have applied for a new job! - - - - yeah for me! - - - - well i applied at jackson recovery to work as an outreach worker - basically the first line of contact anyone has with jackson - someone told me it seems like a glorified secretary (if so i hope its like Secretary) but i know it is not - so oh well - but it seems a good stable job with much more room for personal growth and improvement then the job i am at now - so i am happy with that - i had an interview last tuesday and i will hopefully get a call this coming tuesday - but the woman who interviewed me told me that i was a very good canadate for the position - rock on for me!!! - now on to other things........christmas so i went home for christmas - man i love it - well it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be - family and friends were good ok - the only major annoyance came from my white trash cousins - its always a constant fight with them about something - hell - they just annoy me so much - but first lets start where it began - Christmas Eve
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Sunday, December 21, 2003
THE KIDS DID IT TO ME FINALLY - I HAVE A (ONE) GRAY HAIR
but in all actuality - its true - i have one long gray hair - actually its kinda whitish - or something inbetween - maybe a bit silvery - who knows really - its not something that stands out on its own - you have to look and see it up close - i'll point it out to you if you like - but i do reserve the right to bitch slap anyone who decides to add a non-gracious comment after it - but anyway - its bugging me a little - well because i am only 24 - and i am beginning to go gray! - eh gads !!!- i think about the genetics i have been passed - and well yeah - i maybe doomed - well my moms side of the family goes bald - and thank god i didn't get that - but my brother did and he is thining on the top now - {side note: check out this stash! he only had it for a day, pitty really} - but instead i have my fathers genetics leading my way - and in that family - guys go salt and pepper hair early - my father started at 32 and my uncle at 30 - i guess my grandfather was salt and pepper all over by 28 - yikes! - now - you think i would be starting to get a little worried by this - but in all actuality - i really don't think i care that much - i mean - it would be bad for me to go gray early - but i will not die it - i think it looks distinguishing and wise - or it will look like i am 40 - who really knows - i guess we will all just have to wait to find out - in the mean time i have a new photo of myself to show everyone thanks to the new digital camera i have - i love it - i am really not sure why i look so sad in this photo - but i do - on to something now that is not so fun - well the relationship with my man is going - we are talking now and having things out - i understand why he is upset and i know what i did wrong - it is all making sense to me know - only i am not sure how to go about fixing this - i don't quite know - persea....what to do to help us - i actually had a melt down last night - i am sure it was a mess to figure out what the hell i was doing - but if he is reading this - i thank him for letting me in and talking to me and i thank rebekkah and brandon for following me home - i pray (and i really have done that recently about this - *gulp*) that everything will turn out ok - i don't like to think about my life without him in it - it scares me so much -
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
A CONFRONTATION AND A LOSS so i had a small problem and said i was moody and frustrated about something and now i think i have pissed him off and made him very mad at me for something - i don't know what to do right now - i am so confused - i feel like i might have lost him now and i feel like i am going to cry - i have felt like it all day - i constantly have this feeling in my stomach that i'll never see him again and that he is going to tell me to fuck off when he sees me - but i just don't understand - i really didn't want anything bad - i was feeling bad about something - and when i told him he just told me he was crap and that he was nothing good at all - it didn't need that type of reaction - it didn't need any reaction - all it needed was a simple explenation - and instead i got a possible end - i don't want him to - i don't want him to leave me - i don't want him to go away - i want him to be with me forever - i want to wake up with him everyday like i was doing - yesterday and today - oh hell - this is the worst day i have had in a long time - i feel like i could be bad to myself later for what i have done today -
i just don't know what happened - i don't understand why it went this far and that it went nuts - i want cry so much - hell -
I AM LOST IN IT
now he is mad and i am at a loss - what the hell do i do - what the hell do i do now - i have fucked up everything again - do i even deserve to be alive?
NO IS THE ANSWER I AM GETTING
its shit is what it is - my genetics are playing a cruel game on me now - and because of all of this i get told no - no - no - no - eh - rrrrrgggghhh - frustrated - yes - quite - it makes no sense - at frist i was thinking it had to do with the knee - but this started before the knee - about a week before the knee - so i am down to the idea that it is because i am fat and not that pretty to look at - has to be the reason - there is no other possible explenation - fuck - i am in some mood now -
Monday, December 08, 2003
A SORT OF THING
but other then that - i am starting to feel a lot better - my fever broke yesterday night and everything but my cough is now gone - but i forsee that going on for some time into the future - why would it stop - i usually have coughs for a long time - but thank god that i am feeling better - so now i have four days off - what to do with it - well i think i will go christmas shopping for one - and do some workouts and then probably sleep a whole hell of a lot - yes sir -
Sunday, December 07, 2003
NO REST FOR THE LIGHTHEADED, FEVERISH, CHILLED, SORETHROATED, COUGHING SICKNESS PLAGUED BOY if you can't tell i am sick - and not sick of something this time - i am sick - the doctor told me i have acute influenza - or in other words - prepare to have the worst 4 days of your life - but mainly now i can't sleep because i am coughing to much - - - yesterday there is no work for me tomorrow - i can't go to work since i work with children in a confined setting - if the flu got in there it would be like the WACO compound - it would go up in seconds - so i am here tomorrow - oh well - i don't feel good enough to do anything anyway -
Sunday, November 30, 2003
IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE, BUT GIVE ME SIXTY
- - - ! - - - thank god this day and weekend is over in less then two hours - i am so tired of working - i feel like i could just scream if i get asked on more time "why can't i" - oh man - it has been a long day - speaking of long days - i was at miss llew's site today and it seems as though she has worked one hell of a day too - ugh - i understand - i understand - i don't think there is anything that anyone could do or offer me to get me to come into work tomorrow - it is beyond money and even days off now - i need a vacation from the kids - just a day is good - i just need to re-group and get my mind straigh again - bad -
DOUBLE HEADER because i am incredably stupid or insanely smart - which yet i have not figured out - i have taken the entire working weekend at my job and am working it - that is roughly 30 hours our of 48 at work - oh the perrils of the office - which in my case the office is a 10 bed youth shelter - and not the fun kind of shelter either - it is a shelter for troubled kids - so more of less - i could get assulted at any moment - yeah for me - last night i had a pretty good night - the kids were good for most of the day and and didn't have much of a problem at al - mostly it was stupid petty squabling and bickering - we had lots of tattle-tales and everyone wanted to confront someone on something - i think i even got confronted yesterday - which is not something that is not supposed to happen - but we did have some fun - i made some latkas with acouple of the kids for super - they all thought it was very fun and somewhat amusing that we were making a traditional jewish food for super - but i also had kids who thought it was fish and would not touch it - creepy gross but - yeah - like i would cook some fish for anyone - no way - but overall the latkas were a big hit and i almost even started a grease fire - so yeah me - i am sure that would have gone over well with everyone having to evacuate for the fire - hehehe but here i am now - today - on day two of the double header - ick - this sucks so much - i really wish i was still sleeping at the boyfriends house - it would be so much nicer to be laying next to him then to be sitting in this uncomfortable chair that i am in now - well for now i only have about 13 hours left! -
Thursday, November 27, 2003
IT'S MY LIFE
- - - - * - - - - about one year ago - i was home for thanksgiving with my friend christopher from ames - we decided to go out in the city and see what was going on - we went to a very lane ass house party and then we decided to go and find the bars - we headed downtown to hit 4th street but instead went to a new bar that had opened up about a month prior - as we went into the bar i looked up at the bar and saw this guy sitting there - i told christopher that the guy was amazing and that i was gonna talk to him tonight - christopher immedieatly laughed at me cause i am so introverted that i can barely talk to myself sometimes - but fate had it - a friend of the guy came over and spoke with my friend and then introduced us - - - - - * - - - - so last night i had something to give him - i had gone out about two weeks before and i purchesed a nice id bracelet for him and had it inscribed with the date that i had met him on the outside and some little thing on the inside - i didn't know if he would actually wear it alot - or even at all - but i wanted to get him something that was good and to show him what i think - and truthfully - i know i didn't have to get him anything - i could have just given him myself - which would be hard to wrap up in a bow i think - but none the less - he has told me before not to get him things - and yeah - i know i don't have to get him things to show i love him - but more so - i want to do it for him - i want to do it - i like to do it - i love to do it - to see him - give me the look he does - and tell me that he is gonna kick my ass for it - its all worth it - it means everything - so last night we went out - and stoped at a whole bunch of bars in town - westside, uptown and downtown - all over the place - about 8 bars in total i think - it was good and fun - rebakkah clitorus, the boy and myself - it was cheep drinks and bar fights all around - we saw beautiful schlitz stained glass lights and listened to tammy winette singing about "standing by your man" - all in all i had a wonderful evening - even better then i had imagined it would be - but after the last bar and at 1:45 a.m. - i went with the boy back to his house and gave him what i had gotten him - does he like it? - - - yeah i would say that he likes it - he'll probably always say i shouldn't have gotten it - but i wanted to - cause he is the best thing -
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
MMMMMM.....COFFEE AND COMMENTS
i received this in my email the other day and thought it was the perfect after dinner mint that i have been missing in my life -
Monday, November 24, 2003
SNOW FELL LIKE ASH FROM A BURNING HOUSE
so i spend the first half of my day doing logging - the kids are all running around so i banish them to their rooms so i can get cought up on work - this enforth sets them off and they begin to freak out in their rooms - you'd think they were watching glitter as much as they were freakign out - so after my shift partners and i give them a little talking to about respect and common decency towards others - to which some responded - 'i do what i want - what ever' - - suddenly i am having visuals of eric cartmen from TV's South Park in a hot pink halter and fishnet stockings saying the exact same thing - i laughed so hard - but everyone has something they do at work that they are not proud of - and mine today was during goals group - which could be the most important group we do with the boys - a client said his goal was to get along with his peers and not argue - and as the group of 8 boys listens to the client quietly - i hear the title of the goal and i blurted out about three little laughs before i could muffel myself - the reason being - he argued with every single person in there today - including staff - it was too funny to me to hear the goal at that point in time - and i just started laughing - if that makes me a bad person - whatever i am a good person for even working there - yeah i'll give myself a pat on the back - hehehe - so the day ends eventful - it was snowing like hell and blowing like hell all day - the snow has since subsided - but the wind is stull blowing like a cheep whore - so its cold as hell outside - about -5 with the windshere i think - oh bother - so i go home and try to call the boy tonight - he picks up but is out at the moment so i will stay at my house tonight - its ok - i haven't been here in sometime so it will be good for me to clean it i think - so i do clean it and pick it all up and get it nice and tidy - i go to bed here and all of a sudden at 3:30 in the morning - beep - beep followed by a large and very loud grinding sound - oh goody they are plowing the streets infront of the building now - errrrr........... hence why i started this post at 3:30 in the morning - but anyway - i think i may try to get back to sleep now - i have class tomorrow and work - again - god will it ever stop - - - - no it won't bring on thanksgiving break
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
NEW AND EXCITING FRESH SCENT so i am putting up the new pictures as of today and tomorrow - the link is up but i am still adding some text - so look to see them completed by tonight - as for right now i need to get moving to work - there is no rest for the wicked at all ....one other thing - it's coming up upon a year since i met my man - how exciting - i am trying to plan something to do for the ocassion - which falls around thanksgiving - not quite sure what to do - so leave me some suggestions on what i can do to make it great - i have some ideas - but always welcome outside input - thanks -
Saturday, November 15, 2003
COLD DEVIL
it was a wonderfully gloomy day outside - gray skies and dark ripples in the air - it was a beautiful mellancollic day - and i spent it inside all day - sick -
HERE I DREAMT I WAS AN ARCHITECT…
more so - I would rather be in nebraska - sitting around on beige carpet watching television and being called a hooker - as it would most probably be - but that’s fine with me - cause that is where I would prefer to be - or maybe on the couch - resting with the fleece blanket with polar bears and penguins on it - watching tlc or headline news - trying to figure out what I have missed in the past week I worked - I would rather be there - in an apartment in nebraska sitting on beige carpet then anywhere else in the world - it’s a new thing - really - wanting and knowing that I should be somewhere - somewhere else then where I am - sitting by myself alone in my apt - I should be in another apartment - not more then 10 minutes away - with someone - there is really nothing for me in my apartment - nothing here - but me - there is something for me across the river - I read and I write about it - every night - and I read it all over again - today while I was cleaning I came upon and read my old journals - all the things in there about not being happy in ames - about being by myself - living alone and not having anyone to come home to - but also there were times when I was with someone in college and I was still unhappy - I had someone to come home to and it was not good for me - but now I know I have finally found the person I want to come home to everyday - I want to come home and find him napping in bed so I can come into the house and climb in with him - I want it all to be right - and I think that it can be right -I know it is right - its something that is completely within our reach - I keep being told every so often - that what I want is a fairy tale - that what I want is just a figment of my imagination - that having a house with a dog and having me and my boyfriend living there is not realistic - and you know - living where we live - it might not be realistic - but I am willing to give it a shot - I want to give it a shot - I do want it - so what really has brought all this upon - I have suddenly gone and went nuts about things - well the truth of it is - I am coming up upon having known my boyfriend for one year - it will soon be one year since I fatefully met him in a bar - oh i know that sounds so seedy - meeting someone in a bar - but it is the truth - that is where we met - and since then we have gone through some troubling times - most impart to do with me and my problems of not completely fessing up with things and shading around details - I am amazed he has stayed with me this long - and I thank god that he has - most people wouldn't have put up with that shit - but he did and has - thank you for that - things are well now - and I am looking forward for them to be like this for some time - forever hopefully - I'm looking forward to being with him - everyday I wake up all I want to do is to see him - he is the best thing I have ever found - and I hope he knows this - I love him so much -
Thursday, November 06, 2003
a quick little thought....
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
A LOST TIME IN CAMELOT
so we were at the bar on halloween - and i was dressed up as a dead JFK and my friend {the wonderful miss rabekkah clitorus} was my jackie - well things were going well and i was getting drunk - i had gotten there early after forgetting that i was supposed to take the mr. man out to eat that night - he was understanding but i still felt like shit about it - i had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep the night before cause i was up making the jacki-o outfit for the last 11 hours - so i was there - bloody mess and all - i had blood all over the back of my head and i looked like i had been shot in the front and exited in the back - {i will have pictures up soon} - problem was that i was running around - half drunk and not paying attention to the person i should be seeing - well it wasn't even about paying attention - i was giving no attention to him - or even really acknowledging that he was there - at one point in time i was getting pictures with all the kids i know and didn't get one with him - he sould be rightfully mad about that - and then i was chatting it up with my shift partner nicole - and didn't invite him over or introduce her to him - scared as i was though - cause i don't know what she would say - to me having a boyfriend that is - yes - i understand that she was in a gay bar and that it probably means that she is ok with it - but still i have to work with her and i want to be dead sure that everything would be fine - we the costume contest took place and the dead JFK and Jackie costume we had on won best costume by vote of the audience - it was pretty funny - everyone was really excited and seemed to like the costumes a lot - i should hope so considering we spent so much time on them - so we split $250 bucks and i got a shirt from the bar - which considering is an x-large - i am not sure what i am going to do with it yet - after the contest we got some pictures cause the owner wanted some and i got some with other contestents and performers - i bought some drinks for the second runner up and the owner and my costume partner - and got more drunk - so we got into a little fight there about how i was not talking to him at all - which i wasn't - i take responsability for it - i was just letting him sit - and i don't know why - we argued about a whole bunch of little things and big things - mostly why things were happening - he left and i went and got my stuff to leave - i was pretty far gone at this point in time - about 6 drinks - a car bomb - a jeager bomb - two 'unknown' shots - and two jeager shots - did me in well - so as i go to leave and talk to the owner real quick - i get a drink - from the end of the bar - ann marie says its from your guy - i looked and said who - and she replied that it was from the him - i couldn't see him at the end of the bar - but she varafied that it was from my boyfriend - so i sent him a shot of blue island pucker back with my last butenier flower - and decided to leave - he cought me in the parking lot - i was gonna walk home but he insisted on driving me - i didn't want him to since his car is so clean and i was oozing blood down my back - but he put me in the car and took me home - we argued a bit there and i took a shower to get the blood off - at this point in time he left to go get my car - i didn't realize this and called him and asked him where the hell he went - he said he was out - i got pissed and hung up - remember that i was drunk here - cause i was really drunk - really really drunk - so i get cleaned up and he shows up at my place - again - he puts me to bed and i am passed out - the next morning i wake up to find him cleaning my apt and just getting my mess picked up from the other night - i felt bad - in more ways then one let me tell you - and we talked a bit - he teased me about the previous night - yes i was out of control - and yes i am paying for it now - ugh - it was not a good morning for me - but i did enjoy it that he stayed with me and took care of me at that point in time - thanks kido - i know this is quite a hodge podge of things in this entry - its probably quite hard to read and to follow - i may try to clean it up later if i have some time - but i am going to get the pics up here soon - that is for sure -
Sunday, October 26, 2003
AND WHEN THE CASKET CLOSES...WHAT REMAINS INSIDE
we first came into the church and walked up the set of tall stairs they had a display of pictures of when he was born - apparently they only had those pictures - but you can't blame them - he was only 3 months - people take photos - but who does a lot thinking i need them incase this person dies - no one does that - no one thinks that someone will die at any moment - never - so we stood and looked at the photos - all of us were silent - this is the first time i had ever know a baby to die first hand - i have heard about it before and seen it on television - but never seen it in person - next to the photo board was this shoebox size white box - truthfully - it was simple looking - nothing fancy so i really didn't think it was the coffin - but it was - at first glance - i thought - oh they didn't get the baby and there is a doll in here - so i don't like to cry - i try not to cry alot - sometimes though i get really choked up
i don't even know how to describe it - its almost beyond description - it looked so inhuman - not even close to it once being a living breathing person - it looked like plastic - like it was fake - oh god - i about lost it - i didn't know what to think - I was taken back by a flood of emotions while staring at this poor child - and it has stricken me with a new sense of urgency which persists even now - I say this because sometimes thing can fade - an emotion - while powerful and mesmerizing at the moment can fade into obscurity in a day or so - but this ideal - this feeling - has stayed with me for a good week now - and I keep being reminded of it daily - how important it is to live life and to do the things you want - as I stared at this child - this poor - in essence - shell of tissue - I thought about all the things it will never be able to do - as in get a 1st birthday - have a tricycle - go on a date - get his drivers license - become a man - find a love - all the things that I take for granted in my pathetic life - everything that I do and not pay attention to do - this soul will not get a chance to do - there will never be a him anymore - its hard to think about - but I asked myself this question while I was starting blankly at the child what am I doing in my life… not so much as what is going on today, or tomorrow - but what the hell am I doing - am I doing everything that I want - it was best said in the shawshank redemption when morgan freemans character said get busy livin or get busy dyin guess its my time to die -
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Friday, October 17, 2003
...AND NOTHING TURNED ITSELF INTO SOMETHING
Thursday, October 16, 2003
A CREATIVE WAY OF DROWNING YOURSELF
but if you are just figuring that out and you have been reading this for a while then you need to buy a clue somewhere - really there is no need for me to tell anyone that i have issues cause everyone should know that i have giant issues - and i do - but lately there has been me and the issue - and i can't do anything about the issue - so instead of me sitting around and worrying about it - i am out drinking - and heavily i might add - while i know this is stupid - and that i really is of no help to me and my present situation - the only thing that i can say is that i never mean to get drunk - but it always happens - take last night for example - so i was going to watch romy and michelles with a friend - and we decieded to get some food and drinks too - so i pick out a nice bottle of chianti gabianno and intended to drink about half of it and have a relaxing evening - so as i am sitting around watching the movie i drink about half the bottle quickly - not so good for me - cause then i wanted more - so i get persuaded into doing shots of rupelminze with my friend - double shots - about three total - so then i am done in - but continue to finish my bottle of wine i felt like hell last night - the room was spinning and everything was not fun - it was a very bad evening for me - well - i take that back - it was fun - but did not turn out the way i intended it too - perhaps i need some help
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
SAT AROUND DOING NOTHING
its my own fault for not actually getting a hold of him and leaving a message on his voice mail - i should have known better - and now i am stupid for doing this tonight - thinking that if i left a message he might show up - its my own damn fault i sat there for as long as i did and got drunk off the pitcher - and damn the cubs lost!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
PLEASE ADMINISTER 100MG PRN DAILY
but i try to not think about it all - and its hard - i am not starting my week off from work - and i would especially want to spend it with him - but here i am - not with him - because of..... - well i am not sure the reason - he thinks i am cheating on him with someone else - which is further from the case - i don't even want anyone else - all i want it so sit with him on the floor - me behind him - propped up on the couch and him sitting in front of me laying back on me - watching afternoon television - my arms around him - there doesn't even have to be any speaking - cause sometimes silence is speaks volumes - i would love to have this happen - it is a dream - as so many other things were dreams with him and he slowly turned them into a reality for me - as i tried to do for him - but i have gotten to close and now i am pushed away - but what am i to do now - i really don't know - i try so hard all the time to get through to him that he has nothing to worry aout cause he is the best thing that has happened to me - but it never works - i am not sure if there is anything i could do to show him - but it is the truth - he is all i want and i would be the luckiest man in the world if i could be with him for the rest of my life - he knows this - and i think he thinks the same thing - but then there it is again...... fear it keeps us back - it always stands in the way - the fear of me not coming back - my fear of losing him - our fears - they are always there and they will probably always will be there - but it doesn't matter i will wait for him no matter now long i have to - and you know this -
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
OBSTACLE #1
if i wouldn't have left would things be like they are now? i find it hard to get an answer to this question and i really don't know what to think - i dont get calls anymore - i think i am alone again - althought - he said once that he sees us haveing a fight and then getting back together again - constantly - for as long as we want to do it - so i hope - i really hope that we will - i love him - and i hate that we are apart right now - especially cause i think that we should be together - for all things certian - i love him - and i know that he has feelings for me - i wish we could be together now - i want to be with him - i want to go to bed knowing that he is beside me - sleeping and that i am there for him - if he needs me or wants me - that i am there beside him - maybe i am asking too much - but i hope not - but right now there is something in the way - an obstacle if you will - something is stoppiong me from him - and letting me atleast be around what i want i would like to know what it is - for i sit around everyday thinking i have killed my life that i want - and i don't know what i did -
Thursday, September 25, 2003
GET OUT OF MY WAY FLEA BAG
so here she is walking by my door as i am locking up with a pug - an ugly lookin pug at that - it's head was huge and it had a little itty bitty waist - it reminded me of one of those weightlifters that has such a huge upper body and a small waste that he might break apart in the middle - well yeah - it was an ugly dog - the lady stops when she sees me and then continues to walk - i have seen her before - i believe she is a nurse - i've arived home at the same time as her before and she was wearing an all white uniform - eh....whatever - well the dog is running all over the hallway - i turned and walked with her towards the elevator - it wasn't nearly ten seconds before she blurted out - "this is my mothers dog you know" - as if i really even care whose dog it is - well i don't respond so that must mean that she needs to keep talking - cause she does!!! - i used to have a dog like this one but mine was more musclar and he had a better coat" - again - why does she talk - so this time i just laughed at that comment cause i wasn't really sure what to say - when we got to the elevator she stands infront of the vator and the dog runds around the corner of the wall and starts to pee on the wall - of course at this i began to laugh histarically - the woman becomes angry at the pug and pulls on its leash knocking the dog onto the ground as its peeing which causes it to pee onto the floor and wall - i couldn't stop laughing - and then the elevator opens - we both walked into seperate sides of the elevator with me still chuckling - her on the right and me on the left - and then she opens her mouth again - her : this dog is so strange it never listens! just this morning it was standing infront of a school bus barking at it like the bus was gonna hurt it. and the other day when we were driving when i stopped at a stop sign it jumped out the window and nearly hung itself cause i had the leash tied up in the car. so yeah i am making friends - but really i didn't even think and maybe its retarded just flew out of my mouth - but god damn it - its the truth that dog was retarded - and probably her a little bit too -
Sunday, September 21, 2003
WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN well the title implies doom and problems - and yes that is what happened - well last tuesday i was down at home on the farm - its only a short jaunt from where i live in the city - anyway - my car was down getting serviced at the local aamaco and i was in the shower - well my parents decided to go and pick up my car for me cause if the aamaco closes i would have to wait till the next day to get my keys - well my mother drives my car home and she apparently decides that she wants to tidy up the car or something and pick some things up - who really knows what she was thinking - but anyway - she finds and reads a postcard i was going to send to the #1 man back when we were having some problems and fighting - i guess as she said that she thought it was a postcard from my friend sarah - whom i have discussed candidly in thus journal before - but it was not to or from her - and my mother learned something that day that i think she was not ready for - or was she.... she cornered me in the kitchen and flat out asked me - so i want to know if you are dating "#1 man" (of course she said his name, but i will not) - and then she added - it would be stupid of you to lie since i found this postcard in your car describing some arguements you guys were having and that you hope that you both can work them out - so then i just said - yes - i am gay and i really do not care what people think about it - if you wish to pass judgement then you can - others have in the past and i guess it will just have to be that way - but she only said that she didn't care and that it was not important - wow not important in a sense it is important - cause things will be different at family gatherings and seasonal things - forever will her perceptions and dreams of a typical american family will be gone - but she didn't care - now i had heard coming out horror stories from guys - mothers who won't quit crying and screaming "oh god what did i do wrong?" or worse parents telling their children to "get the fuck out" - so i was ready for something truely horrendous - but instead - i got complience and acceptence - nothing was wrong - and that was the best part - .....ah......but now i have to put up with questions such as... "how long have you known?" ... its so wonderful to speak with your parents about sex - at that point in time i wished i could have been anywhere else - anywhere!! - all in all it was a tiring little discussion and one that i will not ever want to make again - everyone else can just find out from someone else - like the part in waynes world - she tells one person - they tell one person - and they tell one person - and on - and on - and on - on second thought that might be a bad idea - who only knows what small town gossip will do to a story like that - god - i'd probably end up hearing that someone at the local beauty salon said i was a transsexual that likes leather and has webed feat - anyone who has ever lived in a small town knows what i mean Friday, September 12, 2003
THE FOG
now that is fog but i must also add that it is pretty damn cool - because it is the city the whole air is filled with this muted orange glow from the street lights around town - and lights come out of nowhere and are followed by mysterious cars driving out of the mist - its a very david lynch movie out side - think mulholland drive and lost highway looking - very preceptually stunning but creepy and mysterious - so therefore i am drawn to it - i was staring out the window for the longest time while my pizza rolls were cooking - just looking at the civilization moving about - but enough about the insanity of me - death cab for cutie and belle and sebastian releases yup folks you heard it here - new records from death cab and belle and sebastian - not to mention a DVD form belle and sebastian also - oh lucky stars - october will be the best month ever - i can not wait - i simple can't -
Thursday, September 11, 2003
THE RAIN FALLS GENTLY TAPPING SLIGHTLY RAPPING AGAINST MY WINDOW PANE
kinda a strange day where you never want to get out of bed or even wake up for the most part - where the best thing is a soft comforter and a warm body next to you - its been this way for the past two days................and i am loving every minute of it - unfortunatly i do not have any of my fun sweaters up here of anything that is slightly fall resembling - i dug out one of my least favorite dress shirts to day to wear - it made it feel a bit more like fall but really nothing major yet - its still a bit to early for my favorite season to begin - and i can't wait - so now i am just sitting around in my room watching the rain fall on my 5th story windwon - its weird beign able to look out and see the whole top of a town and watch the rain fall and not see it land - usually i am on the ground and you see the destination - but tonight i am not seeing the final destination - i am only watching the journey - ..............ugh..............to much thinking -
Sunday, September 07, 2003
WHAT EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW - I'M NOT WELL
it was just a short quiz - really doesn't mean much of anything - or does it?
Friday, August 29, 2003
2 + 2 = 5
on the way back home i kept thinking that i would probably never see the band play again - they don't come around that often and who really knows what they will do next - but i was happy to have seen it - i could go on here longer - but i want to get this post published and out to you so i am ending it prematurally - oh well - i figure the two of you who read it won't mind -
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
USE THAT STRIPPER POLL OR GET RID OF IT
yes we went across the streat to teasers gentleman's club - first off - here i am myself gay with a large and incharge drag queen sans dress and wig - so i figure - ok - the whole bar will know were queer and it will be over before we get inside and a lap dance - but actually - we were a hit with the ladies - you see they perceive no ill wants from us - we just want to laugh and drink - and not groap them - so the strippers loved us - to the much dismay of the guys who were sitting in the bar drinking and scowling - but here is my top five special moments from my first strip experience -
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
GET OUT
the main problem today is that she is going around calling me a 'whore' to everyone - which is simply not true - but why should i care if i know it is not a big deal - well - i guess i just don't see where she is getting this idea - she brought it up about a week ago on the phone - and then its just gotten out of control - she thinks that since i am living in a new town that i will instantly become a whore because there are new boys in town - but also because my friends (aka: her) aren't there to stop me - well that is a bit presumptious isn't it - thinking that she is really the one who is keeping me away from other boys - yeah - or maybe it could be my morals and values? -
Sunday, August 10, 2003
AND THEN EVERYTHING TURNED ITSELF INTO NOTHING
all in all it was a great trip and i had a very fun time - it was a good time held by all i think - but who really knows - now actually sarah is going to come over and stay with me for about 4 days - which will be fun - i have to work every night - so who knows what she is going to do - shop - read - play in the internet - something fun i am sure - and i will hear about it when i get home and we go drinking - yeah! - god i sound like such an alcoholic anymore -
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
LOVELY AND DELICIOUS ST.PAUL PORK PRODUCTS
Monday, July 28, 2003
COMMING SOON...FASTER AND MORE RELIABLE
which also means that i will be getting some pictures up here of the new apartment and all the surrounding coolness - which is really not a whole lot - but oh well - i try - the internet man comes on thursday - so no more going home to post - yeehaw -
Monday, July 14, 2003
A LITTLE DANCE IS ALL IT TOOK
When i finally get to the bar from work all i wanted to do was to get a drink. I had just completeled the worst week of work i have ever had. So can you blame me for just wanting to get a mucho intoxico. I bet not. Well, i went there and just happened to find Albert there already, along with Cathy, Brandon and the boy. You might as remember the boy from previous post concerning our messed up psudeo-relationship and from the other side of paradise which happens to be about him. Well at first he wasn't talking to me and was actually just ignoring me. So i ignored right back and spoke with Cathy. She kept telling me to just don't worry about him. That i should just go on with things. But i kept telling her that it is really hard to move on with life, when you have the perfect man right infront of you. I have been billing this boy as the 'one' and continue to do so. So it was bothering me to see him ignore me. So i then decided to fuck it all and just go and drink myself into a stuper. I didn't really need to go home so i decided to just fuck it all. So i started to get drunk. After a while i went and found Albert because i owed him a dance. I had drank some of his drink earlier and decided that i should dance with him. Because he loves to dance and I love to dance. We love to dance and that was good enough for me. So we went along with some girl we'll call Mary for simplicities sake to go shake our groove thang. It was not long after we first went out there though that a boy i had met earlier that night came up behind me. If you can see where this is going then you are not that intuitive cause it is pretty predictable. So he is grinding on me, so i turned around and danced with the boy. His name was Jonathan and happened to work at the same place that i do. Interesting uh. I thought so, and apparently this boy thought i was interesting cause he was getting pretty hot on the dance floor. He kept wanting to put his hands where they DID NOT belong. Needless to say i really didn't have that much fun dancing with him. But we did so for like three songs. So when we finally stop dancing i go back to the people i know and take a seat by Cathy. The night finishes up pretty quickly and we all decided to go to Rebekkah Clitorus's house for an after hours party. Truth be known, there are like six people who live in that house so it is always an afair to remember. But on the car ride home i was bitching cause i wanted to call the boy and talk to him. Cathy told me not to for one reason. This is the best thing i have heard in a while. Cathy and the boy are sitting at the bar looking onto the dance floor while i am out dancing and getting felt up by Jonathan. Apparently the boy is looking very angry which makes Cathy put forth this statement.
...IT SURE BEATS GETTING CLUBBED TO DEATH
Saturday, July 12, 2003
A GOOD PLACE FOR A BAD BEGINNING
but now i am the proud renter of a nice little two bedroom apartment in the historic district of town - specifically in the call terminal building - the pictures of the rooms look awefully cluttered - i assure you they are bigger then they look - but now i just have to decided what to put in the second bedroom - what to do indeed! - i am not sure at all - i am toying between an actual second bedroom/office - a place where my weekend guests can stay and i can do my typing - or just an office with a couch in it - where i can do work and relax - i think that i am leaning more to the first bedroom/office - i think yes - but then i will have to buy some new sheets for the second bed i have - !!! - oh my god what fun this is - right now i have these sexy nautica sheets on my bed - oh i love them! they are so soft - maybe you'll get to try them out sometime!! - haha - no right now i have a basic diagram of what i want everything to look like in the house - i have my red couch and my two 1940's gold chairs for the living room furnature - my television will be sitting along with my dvd and some movies i am sure on top of my large steamer trunk (that found at a garage sale for 6 bucks! rock!) - then i have my crate and barrel coffee table and end tables - and the book case that matches the tables - which will be filled with books not movies like my brother suggested- maybe a plant if i have adequate light - in the kitchen i will be using my 1950's authentic metal table for the kitche table - it looks just like the tables that luke has in his dinner on the gilmore girls - oh i love it - bedroom is just bed, dresser and if i have room a desk for the laptop - and then the second bedroom - i am still wondering - the bathroom i am working on a decorating scheme right now - colors are black, cream and white - yes - and i have even found this kick ass terry cloth shower curtian that i believe i will be buying - oh well - i guess it will all be seen when i get some photos up of it - hehe - i am suck a dork describing what decorating i am gonna do - - - - well a gay dork that is - on another last little note - i had a good birthday - i went out with my parents to see pirates of the carribiean and then went shopping with my mum - followed by some work packing things up and me falling asleep while i read a series of unfortunate events: the reptile room - all in all a fine dandy of a birthday - not too bad and not too good - just all around average - actually it was just what i wanted to do on my birthday - absolutely nothing at all -
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
JUST GIVE UP
last night i went out with rebekkah clitorus, albert and kathy - i met them at bill's bar (which is my new favorite bar) and i proceeded to get trashed - i had five drinks there in two hours and then at home i had three shots of pucker and two 40's of smirnoff - yeah it was a bad night for me - i really needed to let out some stress and i guessed the best way for me to do that was to drink myself into a coma - so i did - i puked three times today - including one time at four o'clock in the afternoon - that is just nuts - i can't believe i did that - dumbass boy that i am - but i had a good time and that is all that counts - right? - unfortunatly i did have to walk through the ghetto of sioux city to get back to my car that i left at bills bar - just me reading my little series of unfortunate events book and drinking some water - while the ghetto life went on around me - i was actually surprised i wasn't called a cracker or had something thrown at me - TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY because of the apt thing i am not sure if i will be writing for sometime - moving and all - but i'll let you know what happens - and i am working on pics too! - much love to you all -
Monday, June 30, 2003
HIGH EXPECTATIONS - WHEN I SHOULD HAVE NONE
now for something completely different - i have a new link for a friend test - it is located here so you should go and take it and see if you know me - i will admit some of the questions have multiple answers for different points - but the best one always has 10 points - try it out!! -
Thursday, June 26, 2003
WAITING FOR THE MOON TO RISE
two nights ago we went on a date - the first date actually of whatever we are - budding i think - like a small plant or an undersea invertabrate life form - yes that is it - growing something new - but yes we had a date - it was a long one - from 5:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. - almost like a marathon - really it was fun though - we were gonna go out to eat early - but yea - tornado #1 was around town so we didn't - everything in town closed down cause of the warning in effect - i guess there was one about 3 miles right outside of town - scary - well at around 7 we finally went to eat and then just grabbed some movies - at this time was tornado #2 around the outside of town again - about 10 miles away or something - we ignored it - we watched the movies and vegged out as only i can do in perfect style and just talked - but the highlight was when he said we were going out - cool - no biggie i thought - but oh man - we went into the towns graveyard and then went to a mosaleum that is built into the side of the hill - we sat ontop of it and looked down into the whole river valley - it was quite a site to see - especially with all the heat lightening that was going on - there was constant lightening criss crossing the sky - it was a spectacular light show - i loved it - so then we came back and watched some other movie - i am not sure what - tornado #3 this time - we again ignored it - oh well - and then we just crashed hard - i fell asleep in an instant - so tired - but i had a really good time - it is nice to be happy again for once - for such a long time i was making myself misserable trying to gain something i think i will never have - oh well - i had fun - tonight i will be going to see him again - should be fun i am sure -
|
