debate exposes doubt |
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what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
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Wednesday, December 25, 2002
~*~ SPENDING CHRISTMAS IN A HOSPITAL ~*~ well it is not as bad as you would think - for one - it is quiet - no loud children running around - and two - it is clean - you don't have to climb over mountians of wrapping paper and boxes to get from one room to the other - - but then again - you are surrounded by death - and the orderlys are not very chipper - not that they usually are chipper - but lets just say that today it went like this - ---------------------------------------------------------- me: hello nasty nurse: hmmmm me: merry christmas to you nasty nurse: whatever i'm working me: i'm sorry about that. i worked the day after christmas last year. nasty nurse: who cares *as she then throws down a pen onto the table and walks away* i'm here. this sucks. ----------------------------------------------------------- glad to see that satans little helper is taking care of my grandmother this holiday season - what a bitch - like it was a bowl full of laughter for us to drag our asses an hour and a half there to see grandma and her sorry ass - i should have told her off - but alas i was too exhausted - i have gotten no rest this break - everyday i have been up and awake at the crack of dawn - mostly to go to the hospital to see grandma - she was excited today - well about as excited as one can get it with a large feeding tude shoved down ones nose and two cental lines attached to your body - i have been told that they hurt a lot - they really don't look plesant - but she seemed in good spirits - that is better then i can say for myself - i walked in that room and saw her with the tubes and had a huge flash back to my friend J on the brink of death in the hospital last year - i about passed out - so i spent the visit outside the room reading a book - which brings up another funny story - ----------------------------- doctor: oh what book is that? me: the picture of dorian grey. doctor: oh is that by tom clancy? me: *what do you say to that?* ----------------------------- i thought doctors were supposed to be educated - tom clancy - yes tom clancy wrote a book about an artist who has a muse and a good friend and they all seem to be extremely eroticly arroused by each other! - what the fuck - it was just a messed up day - but as to spending christmas in a hospital - well if i am ever in this situation where i am the one in the hospital i would just rather go in the night then face the depressing realization that is christmas with a cathader and mushed food in bags - Tuesday, December 24, 2002
it has been a little bit of time since i have written - i am at home now for break - things here are a little more insane then usually - what with my grandmother in the hospitel and all - things are just moving a little bit more slower - i have rarelly seen my family and i have seen no friends - what time i do spend with them is in a little room where i am ready to pass out from all the beeping and the tubes - it is such a horrible thing - i really don't know what to say - it doesn't feel like christmas at all - things are so messed up - i did so the man though - or as he would be refered to my on my x's sight - the home wrecking peice of sh*t - no doubt - i am sure in this thought - but i did see him and things are good - we talked about things for a while and then we went out for supper - it was fun to see him again - we went to the bar after that and danced a bit - it was fun - i really enjoyed hanging out with him aa again Monday, December 23, 2002
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
last night i averted a small disaster when i was able to get my homework done - even after my laptop took a dive - i was up all night retyping and studying - and then looking over it all - i honestly swear that i have never written a better paper in a night then i did last night - i am thinking about displaying it - once i get my grade done - then everyone can see what i cranked out in 7 hours - i think it is pretty good - but oh well - and mucho thanks to my x - who saved my life by letting me use his laptop! - thanks so much kid! - mad propps to you - Tuesday, December 17, 2002
so i think i may hav gotten everything right this time - what is new is the links section i added to the left side - on top of the archives section - it will be nice to have a links section now - i have finished two of my tests and i still have two tests left - but i am not sure how they will go - i have one other test today at 4:30 - that should be my hardest test of the semester - i believe that i can still get about a c on it - it is just that it is comprehensive and covers the whole semester - who would do such a thing - comprehensive tests are completely insane - too much information to remember and plus - it is not like we learn anything from multiple choice tests anyway - just information regurgetation - and it suck - but oh well i will stop bitching and call it done for the time being - will repot back later - Monday, December 16, 2002
well i atleast think things are getting better - he is acutally talking to me - and we really don't seem to be snapping at each other nearly as much - perhaps then we are going to be ok afterall - or perhaps not - who really knows what will happen - i do want to be friends with him - and i really hope he knows that - i think he would after this much time and disscussion - but one can never know - i think that once school is over for him things will be well - and good - for him and then in turn for us all - last night my x and myself actually had a really good conversation - we talked on aim for quite some time and it was actually good - we didn't snap - we didn't fight or anything - i really hope now that he is done with teaching that he will get a much better attitude toward everything - that we will be able to be frineds now - and that he won't be so upset all the time - i also will take some blame for the fighting - i did provoke some of it and start some of it - but i hope really that things will get better - Sunday, December 15, 2002
oh the trouble with breaking up - the trouble with being in the same area - it is just so much of a problem when everything you say or do can be construed as something harmful to the other person - so i was messing around on another site and i found this wonderful website dedacated tgo fighting with your lived one - it is amazing - and i can't even believe how much better it makes me feel to be able to laugh at someone elses failed romance - here Saturday, December 14, 2002
we had a huge fight last night - which included him telling me that i was destorying him - that i should not carry on with some aspects of my life cause i am hurting him too much in the process - and that i am a big lying untrustworthy peice of shit - which cummulated in a huge fight in his room - where i spelled out what was wrong with the situation and him telling me basically that i am dumb - that i am not a caring friend at all - that i am not what i say i am - and that i should never speak with him again - again - here is the problem - he tells me all these wonderful things about how i am destorying him - that i am shit and that i don't even deserve to be in the same room as him and then the next day he writes me a mail saying that shouldn't let him push me away - that he wants to know me and such - but i am confused - if last night you said everything that you wanted to - why today are you recanting you statement and telling me now that you value a friendship? - does this make any sense - please just tell me what you want - you can't ignore me forever - Friday, December 13, 2002
so apparently i am being ignored - i receive no email after i send one out and i get nothing from my blog - so i guess that i am being ignored - oh well - really should i expect anything - i guess i just really don't know what people want - perhaps i am that out of touch with reality - that i am doing things that people really don't want done - has it come to this - do people not need me anymore for any such things as talking and having fun - it would make sense as to why i have been receiving less phone calls - time to start a new - so everything comes out - he tells me that he doesn't think we can be anything at all - even friends - so i take the initiative and say - ok boy - i am sorry - but if this is how you want it then we can do it this way - that i would always love him - but that WE ARE NOTHING NOW - that HE IS NOTHING NOW IN THE SENSE THAT TO ME "ROMANTICALLY" HE IS NOTHING CAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED - it was mentioned numerous times that he is very important to me - and that i wanted to be friends but that he didn't think it was going to be possible - well hell - i am willing to be friends - and i will remember that you are trying to push me away and that i should not hold those words to heart - but there comes a time when it gets so repetative that i just want to say - fine then go - it is hard to hear how much of a peice of shit you are daily and still try to be objective - but if you want this then this is what you will get - i are still SOMETHING to me and will always be - but WE are nothing as you said it should be - - - - - - abrigged and revised for correctness so i have inadvertantly caused a disaster - this is horrible - i now know why the boy i live with is completely mean to me today - well yesterday i was at school writing a blog - which would be the last entry - well i guess i called the new man i am talking to in s.c. the 'boy' - that was the name that i used to call him - i found this out by looking at a place that i do not like to go - to his blog - it is located at this spot - you can go there and find out what i have done - it was not on purpose - but that is fine - he won't believe me - i did not think about it when i did it - but he will think i did - i feel really bad about what was done - and i guess i just didn't think - i really want to be friends with him - and i know we can do it - i kno we can be friends - it will take effort - and i am willing to give that - if he is not or does not want to then i guess i need to accept that - i can't force him to be friends with me - and i know that - i guess i would really just like to continue what we had - in a lesser form - he says it is hard cause when he looks at me he sees a liar and someone he can not trust - and i can see that - i have been bad - i did do something to jepordize his trust - but then again - he did also - he participated in a deed that should have ended our relationship two months ago - but after a while of fighting with it - i took his advice - forget it and move on - do not harbor things - i have always harbored things in my life - i take everything to heart - and i let it fester - but when put in the position i was i decided that when presented with the lies and then lack of trust - i thought and i decided to forgive him - that we could maybe start to repair what we once had - and we did - but then this time i fucked up and i guess i would like to think that he can offer me the same patience and acceptance that i offered him - i know i am looking at this new man as a potential something - i know i unintentinally cast off the name i had given him and applied it to someone else - but i did not mean it - and i guess that if this is how he wants it then this is how he will get it - as for now i am not going to hold him in the same regard i used to - he will always hold a spot in my heart - but if he wants a new life - then i am going to let him have one - boy if you are reading this - this is it - i am letting you go - you a no longer anything to me - we had what we had - it was amazing and great - i loved it so much - but now it is time to move on - you are free to do what you like with who ever you like and i will no longer interfer - i am no longer anything to you - we are two seperate entaties - you have it your way now - this is what you wanted right - i hope it is - i am sorry that it could not work out - i truelly am sorry - i will always remember what we had - whether you believe this or not - it is true - it was some of the best times of my life - i will never forget you - this next is your song - it will be forever long i live - ------------------------------ Spaceboy feel it break your bones mr. jones taste me as I bleed taste my need and spaceboy I've missed you spinning round my head and any way you choose me you'll break instead watch me death defy defile my life i don't need i don't care please i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home 'cause when a lover aches that's when a lover breaks i want to go home i want to go home and spaceboy they'll kill me before I'm dead and gone and any way you choose me it won't be wrong and anyway you choose me we won't belong we won't belong we won't belong we won't belong we won't belong we won't belong Thursday, December 12, 2002
so i got a call last night from the man in s.c. - it was at 2:35 - and i totally forgot that i told him that i was gonna be up all night - he felt so bad that he semi woke me up - but i really wasn't just waking up - i only went to bed at 2:30 - mainly cause i was working on flash cards and typing blogs - oh well - he was so appologetic on the phone - i told him that it was not a problem that i had just gone to bed - and he still appologized and told me that he had to go and he would talk to me tomorrow - how cute is that - he just kept appologizing for waking me up - not that he did though - but still - i thought it was really cute - -------------dakerside of the news--------------------------- i still haven't heard anything from my mom as of yet - she said they were meeting first thing in the morning - so i would have thought that they would be done by now - it is 10:30 now - i am just really worried rigth now about her - some people her age never recover from things like this - they said last night that she was in denial that she knew she was gonna be home for christmas - i guess it was really sad - cause she just ketp saying that we could have it at her house - poor kid - i feel so bad for her - i think she is just playing though - that she does not have demensia - she knows she is not going to go home - but still she wants to so bad - and it is really sad - it is just like when grandpa broke himself out of the hospitle and toured the homestead on last time before he went into a coma two days later - things happen for a reason - so i belive that i should be home - incase something happens - it is really sad - and i am gonna make myself cry by going on so i will stop and listen to some queens of the stone age to be happy - well fake happy - go with the flow ------------------------------------- She said "i'll throw myself away, They're just photos after all" I can't make you hang around. I can't wash you off my skin. Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out You won't remember anyway I can go with the flow But don't say it doesn't matter anymore I can go with the flow Do you believe it in your head? It's so safe to play along Little soldiers in a row Falling in and out of love With something sweet to throw away. But I want something good to die for To make it beautiful to live. I want a new mistake, lose is more than hesitate. Do you believe it in your head? I can go with the flow But don't say it doesn't matter anymore I can go with the flow Do you believe it in your head? so things have gone from bad to worse - i have just received word from my mother that my grandmother - her mom - is most likely going to have surgery to remove her leg - how much of her leg they are not sure - maybe the whole thing - which would be completely a horrible proposition - but then comes in the really bad part - they will to perform major surgery for this - and we were told that because of her age and that for almost all of her life she was a smoker - she may not be able to be take off the resperator after the surgery - for ever - that is if she even makes it through the surgey - she is very old - and besides the leg - is in remarkable condition - but still there is always a chance when dealing with people and anesthetics - so i belive i will be traveling home soon - depending on when they decide to do her surgery - it sounds like it maybe on friday - once they get to her the city - oh hell - when it rains it pours - it really pours - Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Quote of the week: -------------------------------------------------------------------- tom: "i am glad to see you are beging to have violent views again on something." amory: "i am", he agreed reluctently, "Yet when i see a happy family it makes me sick to my stomach..." tom: cyncially "happy families try to make people feel that way." ------------------------------------------------------------------- yet again from this side of paradise - i promise that when i start reading a new book over break there will be some variation. but for now it is either this or modern sociological theory. i choose this . Monday, December 09, 2002
so i am watching conan tonight and it is a re-run - the only reason i am watching is to watch with splended amazement at the destructive musical entity know as ...and you will know us by the trail of dead - they are great - i saw them live once - it took me three days to get back to normal - oh the fun - but during a 'in the year 2000' skit the writers put in a jab at an oh so guilty pleasure of mine - the anna nicole smith show - wow - but the joke goes as - ------------------------ conan: E channel following the success of the anna niccole smith show decides to add a new reality show to their rooster staring a bloated body from the east river. ------------------------ poor anna - does she even realize that she is on television - why do i try - seriously - i go out of my way to make sure people are ok - to make sure that people understand that they are loved and then they just take that knowledge and throw it away - and then cry about how no one loves them - honestly - why do i put myself through the trouble of caring for others - it is stupid and futile for me to continue ths idiotic pursuit - god forbid somethings happen - no one is perfect - and i am not going to continue to pretend that i even care about that topic anymore - i get nothing for people - i honestly get nothing from people - there comes a time when you have to look at the cost vs. profits equation in life - what are yuou givng verses what are you getting - while others may be getting lots of beneficial things - i am getting shit - nothing - or little to nothing - it is completely stupid for me to continue like this - if i do i am going to die - and i am nto talking about that metaphorical dying - not that oh my soul is dead - can i ever love again - no i am going to die - i will be gone from this earth - not here - it is far to easy for me to forget about myself and worry about the concerns of others - and in the process if i get a cut - oh well - is it bleeding - oh well - until the next thing i know i am getting a little sleepy - then laying myself down for a good nights sleep - goodnight everyone - Sunday, December 08, 2002
i hope and wish more then anything that i can remain close friends with a certian person in my life - i know he is reading this - and i want him to know that i sincerelly wish it for us - that i do love him - and always will - forever - so just on the television was a comercial for volkswagon - and it was the most enthrawling comercial i have seen in such a long time - it is about this guy who gets up and goes to work everyday - everyday it is the same things - wake up go to work and do this - wake up go to work and do this - get up go to work and do this - it is the same monotamous day over and over again - unitl one day he sees something out the window of the skywalk - he sees - well asuming it is the new bettle - the new bettle - the convertable beetle - the look on his face says everything - change - it is an amazing comercial - totally highlighted by this song - it sounds very bettles rubber soul-ish - this foursome singing about mr.blue sky - it is so wonderful - the whole comercial makes me want to go out and buy a bettle - even though i would not like it at all - but still - major props to VW - they are again inspiring me to buy a car that i would hate - but great comercial! - this weekend was pretty good - i went to a party with a good friend jules on friday - it was hosted by an ex-roommate from my freshman sememster - weird - when we left that room we never wanted to talk to each other again - and now it is like we are such good friends - he really is a great buy - but i would never want to live with him again - but the party was good - i ran into some good friends from my freshman year - all these guys that i used to see on a regular basis - that was fun - i reallyl liked living in the dorms - having people always around - it was fun - there was always people there - having someone just stop in and talk - or having people come over and play video games with - it was good times - but i had to use a communal bathroom - so that was a no go - but anyway - so the party was fun - i enjoyed it - rob and me kinda had a little bit of some qt time - we both expressed that even though we have had some tough times - that we both really learned alot form each other - and that we are better because of each other - what we learned - that was nice - so then jules and i left and the next day was pretty interesting - my goal was to get the christmas tree up - and put up some decorations - and it took all day - but i did - i bought at very nice fir tree - it is about seven feet tall and it is very thick - so that is good - and then we decided that we should put red lights in the tree - it is different but it really looks very hot - so then it has red lights and gold balls on it - then there is a red and gold ribbon coming from the top of the tree all the away down - it looks pretty good - and i think it will last a long time - jen seemed pretty unimpressed but oh well - it is my tree and trust me if i could do it the way i wanted to it would look beautiful - but i have no money - so it looks only pretty good - but oh well - i am off to do work now - Friday, December 06, 2002
quote of the week - from 'this side of paradies' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she: Lets pretend. he: No - i can't - its sentiment. she: You're not sentimental? he: No i'm romantic - a sentimental person thinks things will last - a romantic person hopes against hope that they won't. Sentiment is emotional. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how did i ever survive without this book Thursday, December 05, 2002
i have been listening to incredable amounts of INTERPOL lately - right now i am stuck on the last song on the cd - which would be - Leif Erikson - the words and the music completely fit the entire mood that i am in right now - his voice is so thick and hollow sounding - it sounds like it is eminating from this deep well of dispair - large and looming over every failed relationship and torrid romance - i am so in love with this record - i listened to it all day yesterday - sometimes i will listen to music for an incessent amount of time and then i will get tired of it for a bit - i bought this album in september and i have yet to get tired of it - listening to it about two times a day - like i used to do with my belle and sebastian records - but those aren't moody enough for me right now - i am in the throws of a depression and i need something that speaks my moods - and turn on the bright lights does - things around my house have been a bit confusing as of late - i am in the midst of a personal struggle with my id and superego - between my wants and know what i needs - it is tiring - at this time in the game i am really not sure what i want to do - i really want to go home this weekend and see the new person in my life - and to also see my grandmother - who is not well - the last living relative from the generation on that side of the family - it is scary - if she goes - we will sell her house that i have spent so many a childhood moments - so many times that i have slept in the couch - played hide and seek in the house - run around the back yard - i always thougt that my children would be able to do the same things there - play in the yard as i watched form the kitchen window - talking with grandma over things and events in her life - it is a sad time - sad times we are spending - Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Hands Away --------------------------- will you put my hands away? will you be my man? sew it up don't wait lets see about this hand oh what happened? oh what happened? lost on desperations knowing inside your covers always blown written by interpol. ok - so i was just informed by some friends of mine that there is a certian amount of time that one must wait before you can talk to a person after whatever - so that makes me feel a little better - i was told by them that it was about three days - so i guess we'll see what tomorrow brings - probably nothing - Tuesday, December 03, 2002
i have been listening to BRIGHT EYES for about three hours on rotation now - i haven't heard back from the new boy yet - i called him - and there has been no reply - i keep getting sad - more sad - the longer time goes on with out hearing things - i get more nervous - i get more sad - what is happening - was it just a weekend thing - an only once happenings - will there ever be anything else - will i get to hear his voice again - see his face - i keep thinking - now - perhaps this is why he didn't want a picture taken - perhaps this was nothing - it didn't seem like nothing though - there were times when it was hugely something - when it would be to hard to put forth that much of an effort for just a trick - oh i want him to call - even if it is to say that it was nothing - that would be better then sitting here thinking bad things - listening to bright eyes over and over again - i wish i knew - i wish i knew something to do - to call - oh the trouble of getting so involved so quickly - i do this so often - it really hurts me so much to think that it was nothing more then a fling - perhaps this is lifes way of telling me that what i want it right in front of me - right there - and it has always been - but it has only been a few days - perhaps he is busy - i feel like i am boarding on crazyness - like i am going to go crazy - just sitting and waiting and waiting - typing my life away - it is a drone of a life - i think that there is to much in my life now - i don't know what to do - i want to talk to him - so bad - why is this happening this way - oh to pour things out to people and then to have them do nothing in return - i thought it was good - i thought it was something good - i thought that we made something good - maybe i am wrong - i am wrong for all i know - if i do not hear back - i am wrong - we were nothing then - we were a good time to each other - and nothing more - and then i have done more to hurt myself then i know - i did something that i have never done before and what i get is nothing at all - nothing - nothing - nothing - here is the song of the night - *Haligh Haligh* The phone slips from a loose grip Words were missed, then some apology I didn't want to tell you this No, it's just some guy she's been hanging out with I don't know, the past couple weeks, I guess Thank you and hang up the phone Let the funeral start, hear the casket close Let's pin split-black ribbon to your overcoat The laughter pours from under doors in this house I don't understand that sound no more Seems artificial like a TV set Well Haligh Haligh Haligh Haligh This weight, it must be satisfied You offer only one reply You know not what you do But you tear and tear your hair from roots From that same head you have twice removed Now a lock of hair you said would prove Our love would never die, well hahaha I remember everything The words we spoke on freezing South Street And all those mornings watching you get ready for school You combed your hair inside that mirror The one you painted blue and glued with jewelry tears Something about those bright colors would always make you feel better But now we speak with ruined tongues And the words we say aren't meant for anyone It's just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you You said you hate my suffering And you understood and you'd take care of me You'd would always be there, well where are you now? Haligh, Haligh, Haligh, Haligh The plans were never finalized But left to hang like yarn and twine Dangling before my eyes As you tear and tear your hair from roots From that same head that you have twice removed Now a lock of hair you said would prove Our love would never die And I sing and sing of awful things The pleasure that my sadness brings And my fingers press onto the strings Yet another clumsy chord Haligh, Haligh, an awful lie This weight will now be satisfied I'm gonna give you only one repl I know not who I am But I talk in the mirror To the stranger that appears Our conversations are circles Always one sided Nothing is clear Except we keep coming back To this meaning that I lack He says the choices were given Now you must live them Or just not live But do you want that? i have met someone new - unexpectedly i have met someone - thus throwing my whole life into confusion - i didn't go out looking for it - i was not thinking that i wanted to find it - i was not even wanting it at the time - but i found it - i found something - something new - something interesting - something wonderful - so different from what i have - so close to what i want - but i did not go looking for it - i was not expecting it - it feel into me - it came from nowhere - it came from a girl - who introduced us - who said a name - and pointed over there - to a face - a sweet face - shyly looking away - i was not looking for it - i thought that it would be a nice person to meet - i did not know what would happen - i did not think that i would be so involved - so quickly - i did not think that i would want to see him again the next night - that i wanted to talk to him again - and i did - now i knew that something was happening - what was i doing - i wanted to so much - to see him again - i had to see him again - so i did - it was an amazing night - i felt so completely accepted by him and i have only known him for a short time - i had never felt like this before - i felt like i was free - like i could be myself - like i could be who i am and do what i want and he didn't care - i was so completely happy - i felt like i have never felt in a long time - i was happy so happy - a friend of mine told me that he had never seen me this happy before - that i was actually smiling - and i was - i was comjpletely happy - Monday, December 02, 2002
i am a bad person - i have done something that has hurt someone close to me - i am horrible - i do not deserve to be here - i am a bad person - i have done a bad thing - i have hurt someone close to me - i do not deserve to be here now - Sunday, December 01, 2002
thanksgiving was abnormally wonderful this year - things were great - my parents were fun and i had a great time with them - it is times like that in which i think that i could tell them about me and ther would be fine - that they wouldn't care at all about me being gay - and i think that we could have a wonderful relationship - that someday i can go home for a thanksgiving with my husband and they will be happy to see us - i'll sit in the living room with dad and drink beer - my man will be there too of course and they will be talking about the current politics of something happening in the society - mom will be in the kitchen and i will go in to see if she needs any help - perhaps she needs something from the store - i can go and get it without feeling like i am leaving my man to fend off the wolves - can this happen - is this reality possible - i think it maybe posible - it is times like the past weekend that make me think that i can tell them and they will be ok - that they will be accepting and love us both - that it doesn't matter that i am not bringing home a woman and that instead i have a man - but then again perceptions can be wrong - i do think that they would tollerate it - but i do not think that they would be too happy - it is somewhat of a problem - i guess i can only wish - - hopefuly this day will come soon - i believe it will - and i hope it will |
