debate exposes doubt |
|
|
what we place most hopes upon,
generally proves most fatal.
- the vicar of wakefield 
|
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
so i will be leaving to go home today - i am not sure if there is internet there or not - this could be a very long week - mom told me something about dad tearing down a phone line with an augar - hmmmm - typical day on the farm if i do say so - things here seem to be well - i am missing my friends - and have been drinking quite a bit as of late - there is also someone in my house right now changing the water main - as i started to walk down the stairs i thought.....hmmmm this is how pornos start - the sleepy house inhabatant waking to find the young stud downstairs fixing something - they meet and somehwere in the living room and the owner asks what is going on and the stud say in such a retarded way - 'uh. i'm just cleaning some pipes' - yes - hehehe - you are - but no - then i see the guy - all four hundred pounds of him - and istead of the classic line he says - 'hey, how ya doin this mornin' - actually i am surprised he fit down our stairway to the basement - it is a rather small narrow hallway - but apparently he is making the most of it - as well as i am - locked in my room this morning - best i think - so i will be at home all this week - and i am not sure if i will be able to write - hopefully i will - well to everyone not reading - cause there is a lot - happy thanksgiving - Monday, November 25, 2002
last weekend turned out to be a whole lot of hype and a whole lot of let down - friday was somewhat good - because we got out of school for a week - bad because i realized all the work that i have to do - there is so much work to be done - it makes me sick just thinking about it - so i will not - until tuesday when i go home and then i will start doing some of it - well friday was kinda fun - my ex's friend came into town and we went out to a bar intown - all in all it was fun - except for the fact that all they talked about was teaching - needless to say i had nothing to talk about - last thing i taught was my cat and that was how to drink out of a fawcet - so i had absolutely nothing to say - but that was fine - i mainly went out cause they both wanted me to - so it was ok - we got some slightly expensive - but really good hot dogs after the bar - i was only slightly blahed - moving on to saturday - well i got up late - and just laid around all day - that was about the extent of my day - again - at night we decided to go back to the bar - we were going to venture to des moines - but that seemed stupid - having only two people go is like having only two people in sex - semi fun - (that was a joke - you can all laugh and call me a whore later) so instead we went back to the bar we were at the night before - it is a great bar - and we drank there - with a new person of course - the wonderful and tallented mr. christopher - he came out and provided some much needed fun - he mostly talked about all the things going on in his life - and which at times is a lot of things - i don't know if i could handle a life like that - but he does well with it - so with that we all laughed and talked about our lives - it was a good time - my ex and his friend then went home and chris and myself we to another bar in town that some of his friends were at - this new bar is a dive - just to tell everyone how bar it is - the bar itself was smelly - the people were not very pretty - nor were they even kept - some of them looked as though they had just gotten up in the morning and wen to the bar - and the worst thing of all was that the bathroom had about two inches of water on the floor - cigerette butts all over the place - and a bucket of vomit in the sink - ya - it was one of the classier joints in the working class section of town - nice uh - well the bar was crap - the people we met were nice though - they were a bunch of sweet girls who thought that we were the most adorable couple - what us - dating - right - it won't happen - he is too good for me - well too good looking for me - he perfers the hot type and i guess i am not - oh well - i guess - so the best part of the evening is when the hate crime took place! - so while we were out dancing to some really bad songs - the girls we met there came out and danced with us - so it was not just me and chris - that WOULD have been a hate crime right there - well the girls kept trying to get this one shy girl to dance with chris - she kept refusing - and finally they got her to do it - i saw the whole thing from a distance - chris drags her out on the floor and then this guy comes over and talks to him for a second or too - he then leaves - they dance for a second or two then chris come over my way - 'lets get out of here' he says - i was like 'what, excuse me?' - so we tore off - walked quickly out of the bar and scurried down the stairs - and out into the street - so i stopped him there as i asked him what was going on - he was agitated -and kept looking behind me at the door - he said - 'lets get off the street before a hate crime happens' don't hav to tell me twice - so we laughed and walked quickly to the car - once in the car he told me that the guy who talked to him on the dance floor said - guy: that girl says your gay - chris:i am - guy:what your a faggot, get away from me - - we then laughed about all the homophobia in the bar - it was practically spilling all over the place - sick - i will never go in that place again - but seriously - i doubt that something would have happened - but i did notice at the end of the night that people were stairing at me and chris - everyone was - especially when we were dancing - probably cause we didn't look like we were doing some sort of version of the robot - what a man who is dancing with some sort of rythem at this bar - he is gay - quick railroad him out of here before he takes all our women and releases his homo spores making everyone gay - sic - well that ends saturday - i got home and went to bed - sleepy time - sunday was more of the same - get up - lounge around till about nine at night - get dressed and go out to the bars with lizy - she and i went to this working class joint in campus town - still homophobia - but it is more controlled there - so no worries - we chatted about everything - it was nice - it had really been a long while since i had talked to her - and this was a much due session of talk - we had fun - ordered some cheesy bread and had some drinks - she is such a nice girl - i then got home and went to bed - thus ending my oh so not thrilling weekend - oh well - they all can't be huge orgiastic celebrations of alcohol and sin - or can they - Friday, November 22, 2002
so i walked outside today to find that they are tearing up the street that i live on - again - they tore it up two weeks ago - why again - apparently it was not bumpy enough after the first time so they need to redo it - well this created a problem for me because then i would have to walk a block to the bus stop - it usually stops in front of my house - but when there is road work it moves one block over - but the bus was coming in one minute - there is no way i can sprint that - so i screamed some bad words at the construction men and walked inside - grabbed my keys and went to my car - which was and is now running really low on fuel - so i was forced to drive to school so i could get ot my test on time - i parked on campus too - and since my school is so anally strict about parking tickets - i will now get one - great - so i think i will now send my new ticket - for 15 bucks non the less - to the city for making me have to drive - freaking wanks - the day has been quite interesting - things have happened all day today and it has been so interesting - first i get blow off the the girl at the computer lab - and then i find out my bank is completely out to get me by taking away all of my money - i put my self in the hole and minus a lot going to see harry potter this week - really it was a good movie - but not 58 dollers worth - but anyway who really cares about all of that - so at that point i was cought trying to decided wheather to go home and dig myself a little hole in my covers and try to sleep the rest of the day away - or should i continue on - moving past and forward - well i moved on - and i went to class late - good thing too - cause there was extra credit - so i got some points there - in my next class was my presentation - that was interesting - i speed my way through it - a four minutes presentation - clocked in at about 2 and 1/2 - but that is fine - i coved all the bases that i shoud have - then i went to the libraray to get some coppies of journals made - once there i was analy raped by the library as i found out that the price of a copy has increased to ten cents - so i spent eight dollars on coppies tonight cause that was all i had - i could have easily spent eight more - so i will have to go back - i get home - watch a somewhat amusing but overall dissappointing will and grace - i am not sure if i like the way they are taking this season - it is getting weird - well i then sat and played snood - trying ot salvage the day by wasting it with video games - a good friend - odinata we'll call her - then came over and we went to perkins to eat - there was a cute boy there with a big ass - i am not sure if the really cute face weights out the big ass or not - hmm - oh well i am not sure and i really don't care - the best part of the whole day is that it is over now - yes - thank f$%k for that! - Thursday, November 21, 2002
this was all directed to the girl sitting six feet away from me me:do you know how to change the printers? *sound of crickets cherping* me: hey can you help me *silence - two minutes pass of me staring at her* me:please i need to get this printed *the sound of a pin dropping it is so quite* me: oh whatever she'll have to do with out it *girl gets up and walks to printer then says* girl: oh wait did you need something? apparently today i am invisible so this sound go well with my presentation! i spent about three hours at target today - running around and getting things for my house while a prescription (for a mythical illness i think) to get filled - i went to the eye doctor today - and i was told i have some eye illness that will require me to wear my glasses for 7 days - that is not so bad - what is bad is that i have to use this weird eye drop to help cure this illness - which i am not even sure i have - but anyway - while at the eye doctor i decided to get new lenses in my glasses - but which ones - i have a regular pair of vintage modeled polos - they have no nose peice and site on the bridge of your nose - they look very cool and retro - or do i get lenses in the vintage buddy holly black rimed glasses that used to belong to my father - hmmmm - retro small or retro black rim - i am still deciding - but back to target - ya i spent about two hours talking with local food slinger and gossip merchant stina - she is a wonderful lunch lady - so we talked about a bunch of things and it was pretty fun - i had a calorie loaded french vanilla cappuchino and stina had a pretzel - i haven't really talked to her in a while and we had lots of fun - it was all good - so things today were pretty good - i have a presentation to do tomorrow and i am still up making sure that my clothes that i want to wear tomorrow are dry - wish me luck - Tuesday, November 19, 2002
i have no idea what to write - i am clean out of ideas - there is nothing really to write - my life is completely busy with school and school - i have completely to many papers to write and not enough time to do it in - this sucks so much - i have nothing to write about cause i have no life right now - so in order to pass my free time - i think i will dredge up some story from my past - well a long time ago at a not so super discount store - um... - no this is not that good of a story - shit this sucks i am leaving - sorry Monday, November 18, 2002
well i forgot to mention earlier that the reason that the weekend was so much fun was because at the party there was a special circumstance - well it just so happens that an x friend of ours lives right next to us - last year he lived with a friend of mine and he was a pretty cool guy for the most part - then he just started to flake out - he went around telling everyone that he was sick (with a horrible disease non the less) when in truth he was not - well it just went down hill after that - we started to find out that everything he was telling us all along was a complete lie - we were very disillusioned and hurt by the whole thing - we trusted this kid with a lot of things and he was just lying to us - all my friends and i got pretty angry - and the worst part of this whole thing is that he just took off then and left my friends he was living with to pay his rent and everything - well anyway that is all in the past and we don't really talk to him at all - but we have heard somethings he was saying about us - just mean things - so when we found out he was having a party the same night as we were we decided to take advantage of this occasion to go over and just tear it up - so around one when everyone was good and drunk we walked across the parking lot - my whole party - given it was not a huge amount of people - probably about 20 - and we just raided his party - we basically ran his friends out - or they left on there own - they just got out when they saw all of us - they were pretty young looking to - almost high school - we found him - fed him lots of bull shit - drank lots of his liqour and then left with the rest of his party and took them over to our house - i really don't know what happened to him that night - but it was more then fun to do that - me and the misses got in some good words and it was all worth it - but then again i am not sure cause i got really trashed after that - oh whatever it was great! we are so bad - so the weekend was long and tedious - so long that i couldn't have even posted on saturday - even if i wanted to - and i wanted to - but i was more cought up with other things to do - like trying not to be sick all over the place - apparently i have to much to drink the night before and it put quite a damper on the next day - i did get some work done thought - so it was not like the whole day was wasted - it was not - we also started to decorate for christmas - and i know it is freaking early as hell - but i have so much work to do you have to do it when you have time to do it - and for me it was this weekend - just a few lights and the such - no biggie - - what i was thinking would happen this weekend did not - there was lots of talking thought and i would have to say that this led us to a better understanding of what is wanted by each of us - who knows if any of that will happen though - i think it will - truely i think it wil all be ok later - Friday, November 15, 2002
there is a party at my house tonight - it should serve to be pretty interesting - i think there will be some good things going on - and because of a special situation - it should also be quite interesting - apparently things are not as they seem? interesting - a new turn of events leads to an unknown conclusion - can things be resolved by the end of the weekend? i should be typing my paper right now - but instead i am bloging - oh well i guess - so goes the life of an idle daydreamer - distracting me more so is the movie on amc - it is the movie legend - the one where tom cruse plays a young elf like forrest inhabatant that unsuspectingly brings doom to a family of unicorns when he brings a mortal female to see them - in typical myth like fashion - the dark side then takes over by cutting off one of the unicorns horns - and using it to enslave the world - then the hero has to blah blah blah get the horn yadda yadda yadda with the magic faries blah blah blah defeat the satan looking monster and that is about it - it is a pretty good movie - kinda messed up - but overall it is ok - but the interesting thing - what has really got my attention is the wonderful acting job tom cruse is doing - i believe this movie was made after he did risky business - and he has this cute little boy with long locks look going for him - aside from now where in vanilla sky he had that getting old trying to look young but still getting a little hagard around the face look - it is so nice to see him so young - oh youth and vanity - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - on to a new subject - really i do not know where this thing is going with my x - we are friends - and then we might not be friends and get back togeather - and then i do not know - and then it is like we are togeather - everyone askes me if we are back togeather - i say no - they all laugh at me and say whatever - oh it is so confusing - i do not know if there is going to be an easy or mildly easy way out of this - hell - it might get down right ugly - i sincerely hope not - i really hope this can be resolved peacefully - but someone will get hurt and someone will be angry - that is the way it alwasy is - sadly Wednesday, November 13, 2002
today started off well - my first class went quickly and not much was learned - after my first class i walk to the student union on the edge of campus - every m/w/f I go and eat lunch with my friends seth and jules - we sit around and just eat really bad over priced union food and talk about everything that is going wrong in our lives - today though I just happened to run into my imaginary boyfriend - saying he is an imaginary boyfriend sounds weird - he is a real person - very much real - and he knows me - we have talked before - we both used to work at the same store - but he just doesn't know that I think he is completely the cutest person in the world and that we are pretend dating - god now that I write this out it sounds really sad - oh well I guess - so it is - anyways - he was sitting down eating lunch when I saw him from the check out lane - I stared briefly for a moment at him - oh so good looking - with that dark hair and those dark eyes - but then the man at the check out got angry at me for taking so long and yelled something at me which I guessed was some words meaning 'get a move on' - so I dug into my pockets and started sorting through my change - I have been a little short on money lately - so I had to dig through my car to find some money this morning - luckily I found five dollars worth of change under my seat - who knew there was so much money in my car - but anyway - so I was paying with change and staring at my imaginary boyfriend for way too long - people were getting angry - after I got done paying I walked over and saw where my friend seth was going to sit - where we usually sit - in the back atrium type area - it is normally a really good spot to sit - lots of professors and grad students sit out there which is nice cause it makes us feel a tad bit more sophisticated - sad - yes it is - but sometimes you just have to - but I didn't want to go out there - I wanted to go over to the imaginary boyfriend and ask him if I could sit with him - he was at a table for two and I knew it was just fate that it turned out that way - he was waiting for me - so he got a table for two - we could share my french fries and talk coyly over the trivial news in today's daily newspaper - share a laugh and a dreamy glance - I could tell him about the book I am reading now - this side of paradise - about how amory blaine goes through life looking for love - he would then be interested and ask to read it when I am done - (of course since he is my imaginary boyfriend he would be interested and not just act interested just to please me) - which I would gladly give him to read - oh how great it would be to talk to him about anything - just stare at him as he talked about the useless crap he talks about - oh it would be so wonderful - but then my daydream was shattered by the harsh light of reality that was suddenly thrust upon me - as I walked toward him he got up and left - oh no imaginary boyfriend - do not go - what about lunch - what happened to conversation we were to share - what happened to it all - and that is when I knew I it was over - I had to break up with him - it was not going to last anyway - we both had our separate worlds and our own friends - so after a few minutes of standing there and thinking about the future I will never have with the cutest boy in the world - I moved on to the table in the atrium and sat with my friends - it was a sad day - but I know it is better off this way - it is too much work to maintain an imaginary boyfriend - always having to do everything for them - it was just time to end it - but tomorrow is another day - who knows what may happen - Tuesday, November 12, 2002
last night my x and i got into it a little bit - it always surprises me the way that things can just get out of control - it was pretty good and then all of a sudden i say something - he takes it a little bit farther - then i take it a little bit farther - and then he takes it farther - and then as do i - and by that time it has ballooned up into something that none of us want to deal with and we are just screaming at each other - it is sad really - it is un necessary that we fight like this - it really is - i know that most of the problem is that i can not forget the things that have happened in the past - to be breif - right after we broke - five days later he was screwing around with my roommate next door to me while i was home and then he lied about it - and then he said he would attend a party at our house - but instead he did not show up and ditched our roommate and i - i guess i have a problem with each of these things - i am not the type of person who just lets things go - when i have a problem - i need to let it work itself out with me and try to get over it myself - and that takes time - to him - the past it the past - and it makes no difference what happened - even though it has barring on the future - we both disagree on how to handle this situation - and because of this we fight - he does things that i do not like and i do things he does not like - we tell each other these things and we then fight about it - yelling mostly - i know i have faults and i recognize these things - but i am not sure what i can do to change them - it is a trouble and a pitty really - we can 't get along to save our lives - but we both care about each other and like to be with each other - i reall do not know what to think or do - sometimes i think i should just throw it all away and try to start anew - but that would be too emotionally costly - i don't know if i want to throw it all away - hell this is too much - last night i was reading 'The Vicar of Wakefeild' and i came upon the best quote i have seen in a while - -- "What we place most hopes upon generally proves most fatal." -- I think that really puts it out there - that is everything - it is the truth - it shows exactly what i am thinking and living right now - but enough about that - i will move on to something new and nice - -- next thing -- the birthday party that i went to last night turned out ok - she was actually quite happy the whole time and you could tell that she was happy to be with her friends - there was a little bit of sadness i think - perhaps - a little bit - i just received a drunk message that she sent me last night from the bar - she sounds so happy - very happy - and that is good - i care so much about that girl - she said she was doing very well and that she was happy at the bar - that i was the best sevis that she has ever know and that she cares so much about me - it was really sweet and touching - i am so happy that she is doing well - after last year when we almost lost her - it is really good to see her out there with people - meeting new friends - potential dates and everything else - she is amazing and i love her for it - -- next -- i received an email from a long lost love last night and it really made me sad - it was so nice and touching - really eching everthing that i was wondering - i did hurt him a while back - i know i did - that thought has been haunting me for such a long time - and i care about him so much that i would never have wanted to do that ever - but i did - i was confused - and the best thing i knew how to do was the worst thing - if you read this - i am sorry - i do feel bad - but i am so happy that you wrote me and we can talk now - Monday, November 11, 2002
tonight we are going out for my friends birthday - this is especially important tonight because she is a very special friend - last year i took her to the emergency room and just about sealed her to her death - she went into the hospitle at the end of october and did not get out untill march - i feel bad caues i made her go that night - even though i knew it was best for her - i made her go - she then missed her 21st. birthday - for her 21st she was in the hospitle - so this is almost a make up day - for her to make up the birthday she lost - but it will never be the same - she can never get that time back - i feel bad for her - i thought this day might be sad for her - that she might be upset - cause it would bring back some memories - but so far things are going well - she is upbeat and happy - i hope that it remains the whole night - that she is happy and is around friends all night - i hope so - i know she will be - so i have been listening to a lot of INTERPOL lately - i picked up the ablum in september - and it has been in my rotation every since - there is something about the singers voice - it has a feeling of sorrow in it - even though it is deep and strong - the songs are pretty too - they speak of love - in a round about sort of way - the songs are catchy new wavey - they remind me of the smiths or joy division - more joy division - but they are overall different - they are more upbeat and quicker then joy division - it is one of the best albums i have heard this year - essential tracks on the album would be obstical 1 - NYC - PDA - and say hello to the angels - overall the whole ablum is amazing - and i do recomend that you get it as soon as possible - it is a nice and welcome change from the pop and nu-metal that still persists on the radio - Sunday, November 10, 2002
i have been out tonight and went to a small gathering of friends - it was quite amusing - right in the middle of some the house people doing the 'ketchup dance' - which i do not know what that is - apparently it is this amazing new dance that is sweeping the nation - i was told it was going to the next macarana - isn't that reason enough not to do it - but anyway - the dancers were distracted by a nock on the door - it turns out the police had shown up and were there to tell us that we were playing the 'ketchup song' too loud - people were getting angery at the loud latin music blarring at 12:30 - serious people - it is 12:30 - when is an appropriate time to play loud catchy latin music? - come on - Friday, November 08, 2002
time to re-read an old favorite - i am starting to read "this side of paradise" again - it is the book written by f. scott fitzgerald which follows the course of amory blaine and his travels through life in the 1920 - it is one of my favorite books - actually anything by fitzgerald is one of my favorite books - Thursday, November 07, 2002
this is the beginning - i have decided to start writing in to this - my new site - so first - since this is my first entery on the page i should tell somethings about me - i suppose - not that anyone will really want to read this - but for the select few who are completely board out of their mind at wee hours in the morning - they can amuse themselves with my confusing life - so first i titled this the troubled wasteland because - one my life is troubled - and two i live in a wasteland - well somewhat wasteland - it is pretty and all - but there is nothing here at all - i live in iowa - it is nice and flat with nothing but lots of corn and beans all around - except when it is winter - and then it is completely snow - but oh well - other then that i am right now attending university - i am in my fifth year majoring in psychology and sociology - i know most people graduate in four years - but i deciede that half way through my sophomore year i wanted to switch my major - so it is taking me a little longer then usual - but i don't care - it gives me more time to hang out with my friends who are still in town - which is all of them - so i guess it is not so weird that i have not graduated - but i am also taking some graduate classes - so oh well who cares - personally - i am 23 years old - i turned 23 this summer - and i was sure it was the end of life itself - truthfully it is not that bad - being 23 is just like 21 except it is not fun when you go to the bars anymore - and i believe it will continue this way until i reach the next milestone of life - which i am not sure when that will be - so i have decided to just wait till it hits me - also as of right now i just got out of a semi long term relationship - which is good - at first it was a lot of yelling and screaming - but now it is better - i am sure i will talk about this more in the future - as it is a major theme in my life right now - well i guess i should get moving - i need to get to work - until next time - |
